Posts tagged relations

GUESTBREAKER: Your Ex Is “Totally Jealous of Me”Yeah! I’m really happy we could do this, too! I love this place. Wait, what’s that? Your ex is totally pissed that you’re taking me here? Oh that’s awesome, because I was definitely in the market for someone who is still regularly contacting his ex.
NO, really! I hadn’t told you this, but if you didn’t bring her up right now on the second date I was just gonna dump you. That’s totally cool. Did you like, call her to tell her about it, or did she snoop around and find out via word of mouth?Ohh she snooped. That’s so cool. Wow. I can definitely see us going places.Yeah, no, I’m not deleting your number. Just texting my friend to let her know what a catch you are.
A Not-At-All Sarcastic Guest Dealbreaker written by Christine Friar.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Ex Is “Totally Jealous of Me”

Yeah! I’m really happy we could do this, too! I love this place. Wait, what’s that? Your ex is totally pissed that you’re taking me here? Oh that’s awesome, because I was definitely in the market for someone who is still regularly contacting his ex.

NO, really! I hadn’t told you this, but if you didn’t bring her up right now on the second date I was just gonna dump you. That’s totally cool. Did you like, call her to tell her about it, or did she snoop around and find out via word of mouth?

Ohh she snooped. That’s so cool. Wow. I can definitely see us going places.
Yeah, no, I’m not deleting your number. Just texting my friend to let her know what a catch you are.

A Not-At-All Sarcastic Guest Dealbreaker written by Christine Friar.


DEALBREAKER:  You Have the Same Name as My Dad
Baby. Sweetheart. Honey. Darling.  Anything but the name my I grew up hearing hollered and followed by, “You let the cat outside!” or “Your cigar smoke is getting in through the screen door!” or “She learned this from watching you!”  Which, for the record, I did.

DEALBREAKER:  You Have the Same Name as My Dad

Baby. Sweetheart. Honey. Darling.  Anything but the name my I grew up hearing hollered and followed by, “You let the cat outside!” or “Your cigar smoke is getting in through the screen door!” or “She learned this from watching you!”  Which, for the record, I did.


GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Know We’re Dating
So I got your number from a friend. It wasn’t listed. That’s cool. I thought maybe you had seen ‘The Net’ starring Sandra Bullock one too many times and were just really worried about staying under the radar. What I don’t get is why you introduce me as a friend in public. You never let me pick up the check when we go ‘out’ (which doesn’t feel like a date because you always insist we do it in a group setting). I’ve never been to your apartment and you’re purposefully vague when describing which neighborhood you reside in. After our third ‘date’ I didn’t quite expect sex, though that’s generally a rule, but I expected a kiss at least! Or for you not to sit across from me on the subway. At first I just thought you were really conservative. Maybe you didn’t tell me you were Amish and had no idea how to appropriately act while on Rumspringa (you proved this by your lack of interest in Zima). You kept talking about your boy friends, I assumed it was two words and not the bleak, depressing compound I so often hear. I guess what really set it over the edge was when I had that work party and you came with Jeneane. She said you left when you found the pictures of you taped to my mirror. Well, Stacy, that’s what people do in ‘relationships’. They have pictures of each other. And if you weren’t such a shy, ice-queen then I wouldn’t have had to dig through your trash at 3 AM last Tuesday to find a wallet size.So that’s it. We’re done. I don’t need a clueless girl like you who couldn’t tell a relationship if it came up to her door, crying and begging for you to take him back.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Alan.

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Know We’re Dating

So I got your number from a friend. It wasn’t listed. That’s cool. I thought maybe you had seen ‘The Net’ starring Sandra Bullock one too many times and were just really worried about staying under the radar. What I don’t get is why you introduce me as a friend in public. You never let me pick up the check when we go ‘out’ (which doesn’t feel like a date because you always insist we do it in a group setting). I’ve never been to your apartment and you’re purposefully vague when describing which neighborhood you reside in. After our third ‘date’ I didn’t quite expect sex, though that’s generally a rule, but I expected a kiss at least! Or for you not to sit across from me on the subway. At first I just thought you were really conservative. Maybe you didn’t tell me you were Amish and had no idea how to appropriately act while on Rumspringa (you proved this by your lack of interest in Zima). You kept talking about your boy friends, I assumed it was two words and not the bleak, depressing compound I so often hear. I guess what really set it over the edge was when I had that work party and you came with Jeneane. She said you left when you found the pictures of you taped to my mirror. Well, Stacy, that’s what people do in ‘relationships’. They have pictures of each other. And if you weren’t such a shy, ice-queen then I wouldn’t have had to dig through your trash at 3 AM last Tuesday to find a wallet size.

So that’s it. We’re done. I don’t need a clueless girl like you who couldn’t tell a relationship if it came up to her door, crying and begging for you to take him back.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Alan.


You’re Probably a Lesbian
“Hey sweetie! Listen, if you don’t mind I’m going to bail on our picnic today. Don’t hate me, I just forgot that I promised my friend from work that we’d go to the flea market. You remember her, right? She’s that petite blonde girl from my office? Totally cute style? Anyway, she and I are probably going to do girl stuff after the flea market. It’s nothing you’d be into, don’t worry! Just probably some yoga, maybe some red wine, stuff like that. Also I think she and I are road tripping to San Fran together just for fun! And you know how times are tough right now, so I’m gonna move in with her to save on rent. So practical! Anyway, I promise I’ll make it up to you later this week. Love ya!”

You’re Probably a Lesbian

“Hey sweetie! Listen, if you don’t mind I’m going to bail on our picnic today. Don’t hate me, I just forgot that I promised my friend from work that we’d go to the flea market. You remember her, right? She’s that petite blonde girl from my office? Totally cute style? Anyway, she and I are probably going to do girl stuff after the flea market. It’s nothing you’d be into, don’t worry! Just probably some yoga, maybe some red wine, stuff like that. Also I think she and I are road tripping to San Fran together just for fun! And you know how times are tough right now, so I’m gonna move in with her to save on rent. So practical! Anyway, I promise I’ll make it up to you later this week. Love ya!”


GUESTMAKER: I Like You So Much I’ll Put Up With Your Dealbreakers Things that I would normally classify as Dealbreakers which I’ve overlooked because I was smitten:
Vegetarian.
Wore flip flops.
Had a child.
Younger than me.
"Laugh clapping," meaning he laughed so hard at something he would clap his hands, thus hurting my delicate ears.
Partook in the act of smoking marijuana on a regular basis.
Had a head shot.
When I ask what book he was reading right now, he responded “I’m not really that into reading books.”
He can’t hang out on Sunday cause the “big game” is on.
Never seen Spaceballs.
Things I will NEVER let slide, no matter how much I like you:
Being a republican, a child molester, or a vegan. 
Ordering your steak “well done.”
A Guest Dealmaker by Georgia Hardstark.

GUESTMAKER: I Like You So Much I’ll Put Up With Your Dealbreakers

Things that I would normally classify as Dealbreakers which I’ve overlooked because I was smitten:

  • Vegetarian.
  • Wore flip flops.
  • Had a child.
  • Younger than me.
  • "Laugh clapping," meaning he laughed so hard at something he would clap his hands, thus hurting my delicate ears.
  • Partook in the act of smoking marijuana on a regular basis.
  • Had a head shot.
  • When I ask what book he was reading right now, he responded “I’m not really that into reading books.”
  • He can’t hang out on Sunday cause the “big game” is on.
  • Never seen Spaceballs.

Things I will NEVER let slide, no matter how much I like you:

  • Being a republican, a child molester, or a vegan.
  • Ordering your steak “well done.”

A Guest Dealmaker by Georgia Hardstark.


GUESTBREAKER: You Aren’t a Real Person, Just a Coat on a Coat-rack in the Dark
I was really interested in you when I woke up half asleep and you were in the corner of my room being mysterious and brooding, but I turned on a light to reveal you were just a coat on a coat rack. The excitement faded. DEALBREAKER!
A Guest Dealbreaker written by David Seger.

GUESTBREAKER: You Aren’t a Real Person, Just a Coat on a Coat-rack in the Dark

I was really interested in you when I woke up half asleep and you were in the corner of my room being mysterious and brooding, but I turned on a light to reveal you were just a coat on a coat rack. The excitement faded. DEALBREAKER!

A Guest Dealbreaker written by David Seger.


GUESTBREAKER: We Already Dated
Oh, hey! Yeah, it has been awhile. Things have been good, they’re going good. What? Dinner to catch up? No, I don’t really think that’s a good idea. Why? Because if I recall correctly, you stopped returning my calls. No? You don’t remember that part? That’s not surprising, since you also forgot my birthday. And then you started flirting with my friends. And embarassing me in front of my parents. And embarassing me in front of YOUR parents. So no, I don’t really think catch up would be a good idea. But, thanks for the self esteem boost! I’m going to go back to blocking all my memories of you now.
 A Guest Dealbreaker written by Hannah. 

GUESTBREAKER: We Already Dated


Oh, hey! Yeah, it has been awhile. Things have been good, they’re going good. What? Dinner to catch up? No, I don’t really think that’s a good idea. Why? Because if I recall correctly, you stopped returning my calls. No? You don’t remember that part? That’s not surprising, since you also forgot my birthday. And then you started flirting with my friends. And embarassing me in front of my parents. And embarassing me in front of YOUR parents. So no, I don’t really think catch up would be a good idea. But, thanks for the self esteem boost! I’m going to go back to blocking all my memories of you now.

 A Guest Dealbreaker written by Hannah. 


You Won’t Talk to Me in Public
So, I’m not hallucinating, right? We are dating each other? I mean, I hope I’m not just losing my mind, because we DID come here together in the same car. From the same apartment? After having the same sex together? It’s just weird that you’re standing ALL the way on the other side of this party, talking to a really good looking person, and avoiding eye contact with me. You know, call me crazy, but you seem like you don’t want people to know about us! I think what tipped me off was when we were in the car and you said, “I don’t want people to know about us.”

You Won’t Talk to Me in Public

So, I’m not hallucinating, right? We are dating each other? I mean, I hope I’m not just losing my mind, because we DID come here together in the same car. From the same apartment? After having the same sex together? It’s just weird that you’re standing ALL the way on the other side of this party, talking to a really good looking person, and avoiding eye contact with me. You know, call me crazy, but you seem like you don’t want people to know about us! I think what tipped me off was when we were in the car and you said, “I don’t want people to know about us.”



INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS


Shit’s getting heated.

YOU:  So, like…what are we?

ME:  We’re just whatever…having fun.  Who cares?

YOU: Uh…I do.

ME:  Well what do you think we are?

YOU:  I dunno. That’s why I’m asking you.

ME: Well I guess we’re dating then.

YOU:  Well I wouldn’t say that.

ME:  Okay…so we’re just friends that have sex.

YOU:  But that’s so shitty!

ME:  So what are we then?

Beat.

YOU:  I have to get up early.

He exits, unsatisfied.

A Guest Rebuttal to THIS Guest Rebuttal, which was a response to THIS Dealbreaker. It was written by Mookie Blaiklock, and it was based on true events.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

They are on a couch, watching TV.

ME:  So, like…what are we?

YOU:  I dunno. We’re just having fun, you know?

ME:  But like…are you my…?

YOU:  I don’t have to be, I guess. What does it matter?

ME:  I just don’t know what this is.

YOU:  It is what it is.

ME:  Yeah, but is it…

YOU:  It’s just whatever.  Who cares?

ME: Uh … I do.

YOU: Let’s just let it be what it is.

ME: I don’t know what that means.  That’s barely a sentence.

YOU: Why define it?

ME: Because otherwise we’re just friends who have sex.

YOU: I’m not over my ex-girlfriend.

Fuck.

A Guest Rebuttal to THIS dealbreaker, written by Lindsay Katai.

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