Posts tagged media

You’re A Fan of Insane Clown Posse
Look, I thought it was great when I found out we shared an interest in music. I was pretty thrilled when we started talking about favorite songs and you mentioned that “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga was your guilty pleasure, because it’s mine as well. And the fact we can sing it together because we both know all the words? Well, that’s just fantastic.
But here’s something that’s not so fantastic. I found out you’re into Insane Clown Posse. I mean, you have several posters of them on your wall. And most of the shirts in your closet had some kind of ICP logo on them. You kept trying to explain that it’s because you’re a Juggalo or something, but I’m having a hard time believing that anyone over the age of five can be so excited about a band of clowns. 
Oh, that’s right, they aren’t clowns, are they? They’re the greatest, as you say, while exclaiming how you’ve been seeing them live for the past few years now in complete clown makeup. Because apparently that’s the only way you can fully understand and appreciate their music. Speaking of which, I have listened to one their songs. Yes, it was moving. It moved me to want to shove a rusty nail through my earlobe. Maybe I’ll never understand how miracles work, but then again, I doubt that ICP will either. And you, unfortunately, because this has to end. 
-Written by Ijustwanttodanceinyourtangles

You’re A Fan of Insane Clown Posse

Look, I thought it was great when I found out we shared an interest in music. I was pretty thrilled when we started talking about favorite songs and you mentioned that “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga was your guilty pleasure, because it’s mine as well. And the fact we can sing it together because we both know all the words? Well, that’s just fantastic.

But here’s something that’s not so fantastic. I found out you’re into Insane Clown Posse. I mean, you have several posters of them on your wall. And most of the shirts in your closet had some kind of ICP logo on them. You kept trying to explain that it’s because you’re a Juggalo or something, but I’m having a hard time believing that anyone over the age of five can be so excited about a band of clowns. 

Oh, that’s right, they aren’t clowns, are they? They’re the greatest, as you say, while exclaiming how you’ve been seeing them live for the past few years now in complete clown makeup. Because apparently that’s the only way you can fully understand and appreciate their music. Speaking of which, I have listened to one their songs. Yes, it was moving. It moved me to want to shove a rusty nail through my earlobe. Maybe I’ll never understand how miracles work, but then again, I doubt that ICP will either. And you, unfortunately, because this has to end. 

-Written by Ijustwanttodanceinyourtangles


You’re In A Wedding Band
I see you, bro. You’ve got a cowbell in your hand, and you’re OWNING that thing. Bravo. You even memorized Jay-Z’s verse in Crazy In Love, and you’re making it all your own. Black Eyed Peas? Way to update that setlist, dawg! You’ve got these 50-something parents eating out of the palm of your hand, but they’re not your target, are they? No, no, you’ve got bigger fish to fry. Bridesmaid fish. And they’re not biting. No, sir, they’re not buying what you’re selling, especially if what your selling is a quickie in the stairwell between sets, while the guests are enjoying their chicken or fish. I will take your business card though. Hopefully one day I’ll get married to someone who’s not you, and I’ll need a band with the balls to follow She’s a Lady with Pokerface.

You’re In A Wedding Band

I see you, bro. You’ve got a cowbell in your hand, and you’re OWNING that thing. Bravo. You even memorized Jay-Z’s verse in Crazy In Love, and you’re making it all your own. Black Eyed Peas? Way to update that setlist, dawg! You’ve got these 50-something parents eating out of the palm of your hand, but they’re not your target, are they? No, no, you’ve got bigger fish to fry. Bridesmaid fish. And they’re not biting. No, sir, they’re not buying what you’re selling, especially if what your selling is a quickie in the stairwell between sets, while the guests are enjoying their chicken or fish. I will take your business card though. Hopefully one day I’ll get married to someone who’s not you, and I’ll need a band with the balls to follow She’s a Lady with Pokerface.


Your Nonstop Movie Quotes
I met you at a club.  It was loud.  It was dark. I was tired yet you still seemed interesting.  We exchanged numbers and within the next few days you asked me on a date.  I had high hopes. In my half drunk, half asleep haze I think you were attractive.  So, feeling confident I say yes.
You picked me up in your standard car, wearing a safe but appropriate outfit.  The conversation in the car was casual and easy.  It wasn’t until we were sat at the restuarant that it happened.  Your first joke.  I giggled and thought “why does that sound familiar”?  Soon the second and third joke made their grand entrances, and I caught on.  They are funny quotes from movies.
"He’s a retarde", "Some one’s got a case of the Mondays", "Ya baby"
Some of these aren’t even current movies.  You’re stealing your humor and it’s from the best known comedy movies of the last 15 years.  Sorry dude.  That’s a no.
-Written by Playorpass

Your Nonstop Movie Quotes

I met you at a club.  It was loud.  It was dark. I was tired yet you still seemed interesting.  We exchanged numbers and within the next few days you asked me on a date.  I had high hopes. In my half drunk, half asleep haze I think you were attractive.  So, feeling confident I say yes.

You picked me up in your standard car, wearing a safe but appropriate outfit.  The conversation in the car was casual and easy.  It wasn’t until we were sat at the restuarant that it happened.  Your first joke.  I giggled and thought “why does that sound familiar”?  Soon the second and third joke made their grand entrances, and I caught on.  They are funny quotes from movies.

"He’s a retarde", "Some one’s got a case of the Mondays", "Ya baby"

Some of these aren’t even current movies.  You’re stealing your humor and it’s from the best known comedy movies of the last 15 years.  Sorry dude.  That’s a no.

-Written by Playorpass


You Refer To Dave Matthews As “Dave” 
Okay, don’t get me wrong here, when you first started at work I thought you were super cute.  I mean, I still do, kinda.  You’ve got adorable freckles by your nose, and some pretty cool tattoos.  You seem extremely nice.  Interesting, too!  You used to live in New York and for some unexplainable reason decided to relocate to Midwest suburbia.  Is it creepy to say I even like your name?  But wait…something is wrong here.  Did you just say that you “are going to see Dave next weekend?”  Please tell me you just have a friend named Dave! No? SO what you meant was you are going to see The Dave Mathews Band this weekend? And you just call him Dave, like he’s your best friend or something?  Yeah.  Hmm. You know what, I take that back.  I don’t even think you are kinda cute anymore.
-Written By Mitch

You Refer To Dave Matthews As “Dave”

Okay, don’t get me wrong here, when you first started at work I thought you were super cute.  I mean, I still do, kinda.  You’ve got adorable freckles by your nose, and some pretty cool tattoos.  You seem extremely nice.  Interesting, too!  You used to live in New York and for some unexplainable reason decided to relocate to Midwest suburbia.  Is it creepy to say I even like your name?  But wait…something is wrong here.  Did you just say that you “are going to see Dave next weekend?”  Please tell me you just have a friend named Dave! No? SO what you meant was you are going to see The Dave Mathews Band this weekend? And you just call him Dave, like he’s your best friend or something?  Yeah.  Hmm. You know what, I take that back.  I don’t even think you are kinda cute anymore.

-Written By Mitch


You Only Talk In Movie Quotes
At first it was funny when you did the whole ‘I’m Ron Burgundy’ thing. Anchorman is a pretty funny movie. Then the floodgates opened. I don’t even think that you are a human anymore. You are this weird combination of the scripts of various Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd films and the AFI Top 100 Film Quotes. Do you even have a personality? Is your desktop background really a picture of the Wedding Crasher’s movie poster? Is your ringtone really ‘Afternoon Delight’? Did you only know that song because it was in Anchorman?
We can’t be together because you can’t come up with a sentence on your own. I need to end this thing we have before you see Ace Ventura, so let me just leave this relationship with some parting words. “You had me at hello, but what we’ve got here is a failure to communicate. So here’s to looking at you kid, and your little dog too. Go ahead, make my day because frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse, play ‘As Time Goes By’ because after all, tomorrow is another day. Hasta la Vista, nobody puts baby in a corner.”
-Written by Marie

You Only Talk In Movie Quotes

At first it was funny when you did the whole ‘I’m Ron Burgundy’ thing. Anchorman is a pretty funny movie. Then the floodgates opened. I don’t even think that you are a human anymore. You are this weird combination of the scripts of various Will Ferrell and Paul Rudd films and the AFI Top 100 Film Quotes. Do you even have a personality? Is your desktop background really a picture of the Wedding Crasher’s movie poster? Is your ringtone really ‘Afternoon Delight’? Did you only know that song because it was in Anchorman?

We can’t be together because you can’t come up with a sentence on your own. I need to end this thing we have before you see Ace Ventura, so let me just leave this relationship with some parting words. “You had me at hello, but what we’ve got here is a failure to communicate. So here’s to looking at you kid, and your little dog too. Go ahead, make my day because frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse, play ‘As Time Goes By’ because after all, tomorrow is another day. Hasta la Vista, nobody puts baby in a corner.”

-Written by Marie


GUESTBREAKER: You’ve Never Seen The Sandlot
We were on a date, you told some funny jokes, I was laughing. I said “you’re killing me Smalls.” The laughing stopped there. You didn’t understand that reference. You’ve never seen the Sandlot. What the hell? Did you enjoy having a childhood? Did you play baseball? Did you own PF Flyers?
Okay, we’ll watch it together sometime at my place. You came over to my house and we watched it. You didn’t laugh once. You thought it was immature. Please, that movie is hilarious. Squints putting the moves on the lifeguard was a classic. The movie featured JAMES EARL JONES. You don’t have a soul. Just take your humorless self right out my door. And move faster or I’ll send the Beast after you “FOR-EV-ER!”
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Maria.

GUESTBREAKER: You’ve Never Seen The Sandlot

We were on a date, you told some funny jokes, I was laughing. I said “you’re killing me Smalls.” The laughing stopped there. You didn’t understand that reference. You’ve never seen the Sandlot. What the hell? Did you enjoy having a childhood? Did you play baseball? Did you own PF Flyers?

Okay, we’ll watch it together sometime at my place. You came over to my house and we watched it. You didn’t laugh once. You thought it was immature. Please, that movie is hilarious. Squints putting the moves on the lifeguard was a classic. The movie featured JAMES EARL JONES. You don’t have a soul. Just take your humorless self right out my door. And move faster or I’ll send the Beast after you “FOR-EV-ER!”

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Maria.


You Are Katy Perry
Listen, I like a pretty lady as much as the next guy. And, more specifically, I like a brunette with bangs more than the next guy, but this is getting WAY out of hand. You look like what would happen if someone dipped Zooey Deschanel and a funfetti cupcake in a vat of toxic waste and topped it off with a few hundreds pounds of high grade trucker meth. Literally! You LITERALLY look like you were made not from man, but from a  Ninja-Turtles-origin-story-esque mistake. And you’re a singer, you say? The pop music you “make” is so homogenized, so devoid of imagination, feeling, and inspiration that it may as well have been produced in a lab by a group of engineers and research scientists. “I Kissed a Girl? Yes, a Facebook poll shows that 87% of female undergraduate students have engaged in that activity (AND enjoyed it), and so it shall be a song”. Good lord. It’s like a loaf of wonder bread became sentient, grew Bettie Page bangs and bought a corset.  Also, points deducted for banging the British Dane Cook. I hear that’s the easiest way to contract scurvy in 2010, next to spending time on an actual pirate ship.
And one more thing: Your lone redeeming quality?  You  named your cat Kitty Purry.  I’ll forgive the supreme narcissism of naming  your cat after yourself in favor of the adorableness of a cat pun. Consider yourself excused FOR NOW, but you’re still on warning.

You Are Katy Perry

Listen, I like a pretty lady as much as the next guy. And, more specifically, I like a brunette with bangs more than the next guy, but this is getting WAY out of hand. You look like what would happen if someone dipped Zooey Deschanel and a funfetti cupcake in a vat of toxic waste and topped it off with a few hundreds pounds of high grade trucker meth. Literally! You LITERALLY look like you were made not from man, but from a Ninja-Turtles-origin-story-esque mistake. And you’re a singer, you say? The pop music you “make” is so homogenized, so devoid of imagination, feeling, and inspiration that it may as well have been produced in a lab by a group of engineers and research scientists. “I Kissed a Girl? Yes, a Facebook poll shows that 87% of female undergraduate students have engaged in that activity (AND enjoyed it), and so it shall be a song”. Good lord. It’s like a loaf of wonder bread became sentient, grew Bettie Page bangs and bought a corset.  Also, points deducted for banging the British Dane Cook. I hear that’s the easiest way to contract scurvy in 2010, next to spending time on an actual pirate ship.

And one more thing: Your lone redeeming quality?  You named your cat Kitty Purry.  I’ll forgive the supreme narcissism of naming your cat after yourself in favor of the adorableness of a cat pun. Consider yourself excused FOR NOW, but you’re still on warning.


GUESTBREAKER: At The Movies You Only Laugh At The Unfunny Parts That Were In The CommercialsYou’re the one that suggested this movie and it seemed pretty hilarious.  And it did end up being pretty hilarious.  And at first I was so glad that we had the same sense of humor…but then you acted a fool when the parts they showed during the commercials came on.  You hyena-ed it up like a mofo and the side-eye I kept throwing you was starting to hurt my face.How are you even laughing?  It’s like your little brother telling you a fart joke he didn’t think you would laugh at but you did so then he told it to you four more times.  It’s done.  Its time has passed.  God.  Would you shut up?  This is getting embarrassing.You know what.  I think that popcorn upset my stomach.  Would you mind just dropping me off?  No, I feel terrible!  Thanks for everything.A Guest Dealbreaker written by Nicole James.

GUESTBREAKER: At The Movies You Only Laugh At The Unfunny Parts That Were In The Commercials

You’re the one that suggested this movie and it seemed pretty hilarious.  And it did end up being pretty hilarious.  And at first I was so glad that we had the same sense of humor…but then you acted a fool when the parts they showed during the commercials came on.  You hyena-ed it up like a mofo and the side-eye I kept throwing you was starting to hurt my face.

How are you even laughing?  It’s like your little brother telling you a fart joke he didn’t think you would laugh at but you did so then he told it to you four more times.  It’s done.  Its time has passed.  God.  Would you shut up?  This is getting embarrassing.

You know what.  I think that popcorn upset my stomach.  Would you mind just dropping me off?  No, I feel terrible!  Thanks for everything.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Nicole James.


GUESTBREAKER: You Made Me Watch The Love Guru
 There may be an alternate universe in which Michael Meyers cured cancer, shits cold fusion and invented a machine that emits mouth-based force fields to give the entire human race warm, diligently administered blow jobs twenty four hours a day. From his mouth drop golden words so poetic they inspire mankind to peace and render all of religion, philosophy and strife obsolete with their undeniable profundity. Even people in this universe kind of want to kick Michael Meyers in the taint because of The Love Guru. There are bad movies. There are movies that challenge the human brain’s maximum threshold for putrid agony. Theoretically, with the advent of human cloning or CGI, we may some day have movies where everyone is played by Paris Hiltons and hideous hydras with the drooling heads of Andy Dick, Pauly Shore and three Nicholas Cages. These movies will have an evil power, and instead of calling them “movies” people will call them “FuckSorcerors” and they will be feared like brainless two-dimensional demons. But these movies will not be as bad as The Love Guru.I could handle a lot. I could handle the mild racism, the hatred of everything I believe in and am, even the lack of enamel on your teeth. Your rear end was shapely and you bought nice cigars. Sometimes you even smiled, some facsimile of human affection accidentally arranging itself in your yellow mouth. One time you managed to look at me without looking like you wanted to throw up. I appreciate that. It made me feel like some day, even I could be as good as scum.But as we lay there on the floor of your dorm room, Michael Meyers farting out of his mouth in an attempt at an Indian accent so painful it might have been counted as a hate crime, I could only hope that maybe in a past life I had molested enough orphans to deserve this. I pitied every one of their sad eyes. But I couldn’t focus on my transgressions for too long, because somehow in the nuclear blast of anti-humor that was cancering at us from Austin Powers’ dead eye sockets, you managed to choke out a laugh. My brain blue-screened. For a horrible moment, I thought you might have been amused. That your brain might have been so fundamentally at odds with the rest of reality that you could plausibly said to be an unperson. Or perhaps merely suffering from the comedic equivalent of an aneurysm, or better yet, just a normal aneurysm.Alas, it was not to be. Something cold wriggled around my heart as I began to understand your laughter, as the glint in your eye became real. You weren’t laughing with the movie, you were laughing at the fact that you had forced me to experience it. You had broken me. You had won. In this moment, Mike Meyers joined you in laughter, and I knew that reality had conspired against me. The sham of life had been exposed, and never again could I be happy knowing such evil lurked in this universe. Meaning, pleasure, even the language of the soul itself were shattered and replaced with tears and brokenness.
An Anonymous Guest Dealbreaker

GUESTBREAKER: You Made Me Watch The Love Guru

 There may be an alternate universe in which Michael Meyers cured cancer, shits cold fusion and invented a machine that emits mouth-based force fields to give the entire human race warm, diligently administered blow jobs twenty four hours a day. From his mouth drop golden words so poetic they inspire mankind to peace and render all of religion, philosophy and strife obsolete with their undeniable profundity. Even people in this universe kind of want to kick Michael Meyers in the taint because of The Love Guru.

There are bad movies. There are movies that challenge the human brain’s maximum threshold for putrid agony. Theoretically, with the advent of human cloning or CGI, we may some day have movies where everyone is played by Paris Hiltons and hideous hydras with the drooling heads of Andy Dick, Pauly Shore and three Nicholas Cages. These movies will have an evil power, and instead of calling them “movies” people will call them “FuckSorcerors” and they will be feared like brainless two-dimensional demons. But these movies will not be as bad as The Love Guru.

I could handle a lot. I could handle the mild racism, the hatred of everything I believe in and am, even the lack of enamel on your teeth. Your rear end was shapely and you bought nice cigars. Sometimes you even smiled, some facsimile of human affection accidentally arranging itself in your yellow mouth. One time you managed to look at me without looking like you wanted to throw up. I appreciate that. It made me feel like some day, even I could be as good as scum.

But as we lay there on the floor of your dorm room, Michael Meyers farting out of his mouth in an attempt at an Indian accent so painful it might have been counted as a hate crime, I could only hope that maybe in a past life I had molested enough orphans to deserve this. I pitied every one of their sad eyes. But I couldn’t focus on my transgressions for too long, because somehow in the nuclear blast of anti-humor that was cancering at us from Austin Powers’ dead eye sockets, you managed to choke out a laugh. My brain blue-screened. For a horrible moment, I thought you might have been amused. That your brain might have been so fundamentally at odds with the rest of reality that you could plausibly said to be an unperson. Or perhaps merely suffering from the comedic equivalent of an aneurysm, or better yet, just a normal aneurysm.

Alas, it was not to be. Something cold wriggled around my heart as I began to understand your laughter, as the glint in your eye became real. You weren’t laughing with the movie, you were laughing at the fact that you had forced me to experience it. You had broken me. You had won. In this moment, Mike Meyers joined you in laughter, and I knew that reality had conspired against me. The sham of life had been exposed, and never again could I be happy knowing such evil lurked in this universe. Meaning, pleasure, even the language of the soul itself were shattered and replaced with tears and brokenness.

An Anonymous Guest Dealbreaker


You’re a Self-Proclaimed “Bad Girl”
You know who was a bad girl?  Amelia Earhart.  She was the first woman to fly across the fucking Atlantic AND Pacific oceans BY HERSELF.   You know who else?  Harriet Tubman. That lady was a motherfucking SPY and risked her life to rescue a buttload of slaves.   And Rosa Parks!  She didn’t give a FUCK about segregation laws!  All you dumb bitches do is push girls in swimming pools and get your rent paid by some old-ass divorced guy in exchange for sad handjobs.  Grow some balls.

You’re a Self-Proclaimed “Bad Girl”

You know who was a bad girl?  Amelia Earhart.  She was the first woman to fly across the fucking Atlantic AND Pacific oceans BY HERSELF.   You know who else?  Harriet Tubman. That lady was a motherfucking SPY and risked her life to rescue a buttload of slaves.   And Rosa Parks!  She didn’t give a FUCK about segregation laws!  All you dumb bitches do is push girls in swimming pools and get your rent paid by some old-ass divorced guy in exchange for sad handjobs.  Grow some balls.