Posts tagged hipster

BREAKUPBREAKER: You Moved On REALLY Fast
Oh hey. I’m a little stunned to see you, actually. It’s only been two weeks since we broke up and I guess I’m still reeling from it a little bit. I’m doing well, i guess, just working a lot and, uh, doing a lot of, you know, what’s that on your finger? NOT THAT FINGER, although that looks like soy sauce. YOUR RING FINGER! It’s a ring! A fucking ring! What? What the fuck? Please tell me that was the result of an expedition to the bottom of a cracker jack box and not a whirlwind jaunt down marathon romance street. I mean, I’m STILL moving stuff out of your place. Who the fuck are you engaged to? One of my movers??? OH sweet Jesus. I feel like I’ve been hit by the irony truck, backed over and flattened again. If you need me I’ll be spending half the time we were together trying to get over you. Enjoy getting married, and by that I mean, fuck everything.

BREAKUPBREAKER: You Moved On REALLY Fast

Oh hey. I’m a little stunned to see you, actually. It’s only been two weeks since we broke up and I guess I’m still reeling from it a little bit. I’m doing well, i guess, just working a lot and, uh, doing a lot of, you know, what’s that on your finger? NOT THAT FINGER, although that looks like soy sauce. YOUR RING FINGER! It’s a ring! A fucking ring! What? What the fuck? Please tell me that was the result of an expedition to the bottom of a cracker jack box and not a whirlwind jaunt down marathon romance street. I mean, I’m STILL moving stuff out of your place. Who the fuck are you engaged to? One of my movers??? OH sweet Jesus. I feel like I’ve been hit by the irony truck, backed over and flattened again. If you need me I’ll be spending half the time we were together trying to get over you. Enjoy getting married, and by that I mean, fuck everything.


Your Best Friend is your Ex
I love our game nights!  It’s great that that we can open up our home to our closest friends for some good old fashioned fun. But, it’s kind of strange that your ex always ends up on the invite list.  And always shows up.  And brings a snack that is somehow reminiscent of a fond, shared memory. And that you two miraculously wind up on the same team. Every, single, time. Yup, lots of whispering (with ear cupping!), conspiring, giggling, and scheming when it’s time to decide on those important Trivial Pursuit answers. Here’s a question: What 21st century couple broke up famously over a game of Trivial Pursuit?

Your Best Friend is your Ex

I love our game nights!  It’s great that that we can open up our home to our closest friends for some good old fashioned fun. But, it’s kind of strange that your ex always ends up on the invite list.  And always shows up.  And brings a snack that is somehow reminiscent of a fond, shared memory. And that you two miraculously wind up on the same team. Every, single, time. Yup, lots of whispering (with ear cupping!), conspiring, giggling, and scheming when it’s time to decide on those important Trivial Pursuit answers. Here’s a question: What 21st century couple broke up famously over a game of Trivial Pursuit?


GUESTBREAKER: You Made Me Feel Stupid I’d always thought I was a reasonably intelligent human being until I met you. No, I haven’t read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and no, I don’t understand the diagram you made to “dumb it down” for us all. Yeah, it would be nice having a boyfriend I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation  with, but not when you completely put down my opinions and back it up with the intensity of a debate team champion. What? You’re just playing devil’s advocate? I’ve got to learn to thoroughly research my opinions?  Fuck you, I don’t care if your philosophy teacher thinks you’re a genius, and playing devil’s advocate every time I open my mouth doesn’t make you clever, it makes you an asshole. But I stayed, thinking I’d probably beat him in the bedroom department, because there’s no way he can argue with my skill there. Then you preceded to DIRECT me through a blowjob, not even giving me a chance to possibly surprise you. If I wanted an education I would have gone to school, not on a date. You can take your Master’s degree and shove it up your pretentious ass.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Niki.

GUESTBREAKER: You Made Me Feel Stupid

I’d always thought I was a reasonably intelligent human being until I met you. No, I haven’t read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and no, I don’t understand the diagram you made to “dumb it down” for us all. Yeah, it would be nice having a boyfriend I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation  with, but not when you completely put down my opinions and back it up with the intensity of a debate team champion. What? You’re just playing devil’s advocate? I’ve got to learn to thoroughly research my opinions?  Fuck you, I don’t care if your philosophy teacher thinks you’re a genius, and playing devil’s advocate every time I open my mouth doesn’t make you clever, it makes you an asshole. But I stayed, thinking I’d probably beat him in the bedroom department, because there’s no way he can argue with my skill there. Then you preceded to DIRECT me through a blowjob, not even giving me a chance to possibly surprise you. If I wanted an education I would have gone to school, not on a date. You can take your Master’s degree and shove it up your pretentious ass.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Niki.


GUESTBREAKER: You’re a DJ
Playing records really isn’t that hard, so, while I think it’s cute that you’ve found a creative outlet to assuage your trust-fund boredom, stop pretending to be a musician. Drums, guitar, trumpet, clarinet - those all take practice. DJing doesn’t, no matter how super-serious you look when you’re “matching beats.” Stop talking about how you’re “over Justice”, “weak-ass beats,” or how “Italians were doing it better 20 years ago.” The only differences between you and my ipod shuffle-function is that the ipod will play what I want to hear AND it doesn’t have an annoying coke-habit.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Ryan.

GUESTBREAKER: You’re a DJ

Playing records really isn’t that hard, so, while I think it’s cute that you’ve found a creative outlet to assuage your trust-fund boredom, stop pretending to be a musician. Drums, guitar, trumpet, clarinet - those all take practice. DJing doesn’t, no matter how super-serious you look when you’re “matching beats.” Stop talking about how you’re “over Justice”, “weak-ass beats,” or how “Italians were doing it better 20 years ago.” The only differences between you and my ipod shuffle-function is that the ipod will play what I want to hear AND it doesn’t have an annoying coke-habit.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Ryan.


GUESTBREAKER: Your Ironic Fashion Mullet
I’m sorry, but the irony is lost on me. Your clothes are okay, and you have a cute face. But what’s that? Why is your hair longer in the back. Oh. Ew. I don’t really want to sweetly caress your locks when we make out. It reminds me of Billy Ray Cyrus, if he liked Animal Collective.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Hannah.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Ironic Fashion Mullet

I’m sorry, but the irony is lost on me. Your clothes are okay, and you have a cute face. But what’s that? Why is your hair longer in the back. Oh. Ew. I don’t really want to sweetly caress your locks when we make out. It reminds me of Billy Ray Cyrus, if he liked Animal Collective.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Hannah.


sideboob:

Dealbreaker: Your Meaningful Lyrics
Look, I get it. I went through a time when I thought Brand New had some really great lyrics. And there was that awkward phase in college when that one girl who played guitar and smoked cloves broke up with me after I finished a semester of Contemporary Poetry and I thought that I was going to lead the next wave of literary criticism by writing epic term papers on the words and works of Ben Gibbard, but come on - there really is a significant, overarching theme between everything on Give Up and Transatlanticism. He’s like an auteur, but with words. What? No, I don’t know anyone named Seth Cohen. Yeah ok, I wrote some lyrics down in a little moleskine notebook I carried around in the inside pocket of the blazer I wore all the time. Once, I even used some Flaming Lips lyrics as my away message, but I didn’t put the name of the band and I kind of felt guilty about it later so I just changed my status to “woof.”
But seriously, we’re gonna need to have a talk about your favorite quote on myspace. Actually, we’re gonna need to have a talk about you being on myspace in general. Oh and your alphabetical listing of every band from your iTunes collection in the “Music” section on facebook doesn’t make you seem like Nick Hornby, it makes you seem like an asshole.  Nor do I want to take your Music Compatibility Quiz. And no, I don’t like your new tattoo. I burned that album onto CD-R for you so we could listen to it when it rained and when we were hungover and stuff, not so you could ink it under your skin in a typewriter-like font dangerously close to your sideboob. So no, I’m not going to make a Mountain Goats b-sides mix for you just because you saw John Darnielle on The Colbert Report. But yeah, I’m gonna need a ride home - I’m pretty sure I left my copy of Funeral in your car.
(photo via: fuckyeahtattoos)

sideboob:

Dealbreaker: Your Meaningful Lyrics

Look, I get it. I went through a time when I thought Brand New had some really great lyrics. And there was that awkward phase in college when that one girl who played guitar and smoked cloves broke up with me after I finished a semester of Contemporary Poetry and I thought that I was going to lead the next wave of literary criticism by writing epic term papers on the words and works of Ben Gibbard, but come on - there really is a significant, overarching theme between everything on Give Up and Transatlanticism. He’s like an auteur, but with words. What? No, I don’t know anyone named Seth Cohen. Yeah ok, I wrote some lyrics down in a little moleskine notebook I carried around in the inside pocket of the blazer I wore all the time. Once, I even used some Flaming Lips lyrics as my away message, but I didn’t put the name of the band and I kind of felt guilty about it later so I just changed my status to “woof.”

But seriously, we’re gonna need to have a talk about your favorite quote on myspace. Actually, we’re gonna need to have a talk about you being on myspace in general. Oh and your alphabetical listing of every band from your iTunes collection in the “Music” section on facebook doesn’t make you seem like Nick Hornby, it makes you seem like an asshole.  Nor do I want to take your Music Compatibility Quiz. And no, I don’t like your new tattoo. I burned that album onto CD-R for you so we could listen to it when it rained and when we were hungover and stuff, not so you could ink it under your skin in a typewriter-like font dangerously close to your sideboob. So no, I’m not going to make a Mountain Goats b-sides mix for you just because you saw John Darnielle on The Colbert Report. But yeah, I’m gonna need a ride home - I’m pretty sure I left my copy of Funeral in your car.

(photo via: fuckyeahtattoos)


You’re An American Apparel Model
Okay, so we’ve been dating for a while now and you have yet to put pants on. I’m sorry, but I can’t introduce you to my family while you’re wearing a see through mesh bodysuit. I just don’t think my grandmother would appreciate an up close view of your vagina. Just a hunch I had. Ugh. This is really hard for me to say, but- I’m sorry, can you cover your nipples for ONE second? This is kind of important. I don’t think this is working out, and- no, I don’t know where you can get some more coke, but that’s sort of the prob- it’s really hard for me to have this conversation with you when you’re writhing around on the floor like a sexy jellyfish. Use your bones like people do. Also, you’re always rubbing your eyes and looking bewildered like you just woke up from a nightmare. Have you been sleeping on the floor again? Oh, this is pretty troubling, but you seem to have a habit of yelling “Dov!” while we’re having sex and then bursting out laughing and THEN crying. You know that’s not my name, right? And how many “corporate retreats” does your company take you on? You’re always leaving for days on end, and you always wake up in dingy basements. Your “job” is starting to sound like you’re just being routinely kidnapped every few days. Well, I guess that’s it. I actually feel a lot better, thanks for finally listening. Babe? Sweetie? You okay? Oh shit. Oh no! Wake up! Does anyone have any cocaine? Perhaps a Polaroid camera? Some sugar free Red Bull, maybe? Get me a flash drive with Girl Talk on it, STAT! A life is hanging in the balance!

You’re An American Apparel Model

Okay, so we’ve been dating for a while now and you have yet to put pants on. I’m sorry, but I can’t introduce you to my family while you’re wearing a see through mesh bodysuit. I just don’t think my grandmother would appreciate an up close view of your vagina. Just a hunch I had. Ugh. This is really hard for me to say, but- I’m sorry, can you cover your nipples for ONE second? This is kind of important. I don’t think this is working out, and- no, I don’t know where you can get some more coke, but that’s sort of the prob- it’s really hard for me to have this conversation with you when you’re writhing around on the floor like a sexy jellyfish. Use your bones like people do. Also, you’re always rubbing your eyes and looking bewildered like you just woke up from a nightmare. Have you been sleeping on the floor again? Oh, this is pretty troubling, but you seem to have a habit of yelling “Dov!” while we’re having sex and then bursting out laughing and THEN crying. You know that’s not my name, right? And how many “corporate retreats” does your company take you on? You’re always leaving for days on end, and you always wake up in dingy basements. Your “job” is starting to sound like you’re just being routinely kidnapped every few days. Well, I guess that’s it. I actually feel a lot better, thanks for finally listening. Babe? Sweetie? You okay? Oh shit. Oh no! Wake up! Does anyone have any cocaine? Perhaps a Polaroid camera? Some sugar free Red Bull, maybe? Get me a flash drive with Girl Talk on it, STAT! A life is hanging in the balance!


Your Love of Cocaine
ohmygodilovethissongtooandithinkwetotallyhavearealconnection
butyouretalkingreallyclosetomyfaceandyouregrittingyourteethand
whileyouredealingwithanosebleedimgoingtoslipoutthedoor.

Your Love of Cocaine

ohmygodilovethissongtooandithinkwetotallyhavearealconnection

butyouretalkingreallyclosetomyfaceandyouregrittingyourteethand

whileyouredealingwithanosebleedimgoingtoslipoutthedoor.


That Super Cute Quirky Girl From that Movie
Fellas: we’ve got some bad news for you. The adorable female lead from your favorite quirky movie would be an obnoxious maniac if she were a real person. If we have to see one more movie where Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel play delicate little quirkmuffins, we’ll probably enjoy it, buy the DVD, and start a Facebook group about it. BUT THEN we’d realize that those girls don’t exist in reality, and their closest real world approximations are usually total basket cases with daddy issues and a purse full of meds. Allow us to break the illusion for you and show you how shit would go down, real world vs. movie world. Movie World: Super cute quirky girl (SCQG) puts headphones on you and plays you a song that melts your little heart.Real World: You’ve already heard the song, and you pretend to be impressed. However, she can see through it and gives you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.Movie World: SCQG tells you that you two are going for a ride. When you ask her where you’re going, she puts a blindfold on you and says, “it’s a secret.” Then the two of you sneak into the natural history museum after hours and make out in the dinosaur room.Real World: The secret place she takes you to is her coke dealer’s house, and he makes you watch mildly pornographic movies where women fight each other.Movie World: Cute girl invites you over to make a pillow fort. You two spend the evening eating s’mores under blankets and playing records, and then she dares you to kiss her! Real World: Same scenario, but replace all the fun stuff with: the pillow fort reminds her of a traumatic childhood experience that she refuses to explain. You spend the rest of the night asking her, “What’s wrong,” and offering her tissues. Movie World: After an intense shared experience, super cute quirky girl cuts all of her hair off in an adorable pixie cut and begins speaking with a british accent because she’s “starting over.”Real World: After chasing xanax and vicodin with a bottle of red wine, she shaves her head unevenly and passes out at your cousin’s wedding. Movie World: Your artsy, adorable crush constructs a scavenger hunt for you with step by step instructions. You have to take a picture of a smiling baby, find a cloud that looks like a sleeping lion, and release 5 balloons into the air. The final step of the scavenger hunt takes you to a rooftop, where she got your favorite indie band plays a private concert for the two of you.Real World: She kills herself.There it is, guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie.
(originally posted here on our Funny or Die page. Resurrected in honor of a certain just released movie)

That Super Cute Quirky Girl From that Movie

Fellas: we’ve got some bad news for you. The adorable female lead from your favorite quirky movie would be an obnoxious maniac if she were a real person. If we have to see one more movie where Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel play delicate little quirkmuffins, we’ll probably enjoy it, buy the DVD, and start a Facebook group about it. BUT THEN we’d realize that those girls don’t exist in reality, and their closest real world approximations are usually total basket cases with daddy issues and a purse full of meds. Allow us to break the illusion for you and show you how shit would go down, real world vs. movie world.

Movie World: Super cute quirky girl (SCQG) puts headphones on you and plays you a song that melts your little heart.
Real World: You’ve already heard the song, and you pretend to be impressed. However, she can see through it and gives you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

Movie World: SCQG tells you that you two are going for a ride. When you ask her where you’re going, she puts a blindfold on you and says, “it’s a secret.” Then the two of you sneak into the natural history museum after hours and make out in the dinosaur room.
Real World: The secret place she takes you to is her coke dealer’s house, and he makes you watch mildly pornographic movies where women fight each other.

Movie World: Cute girl invites you over to make a pillow fort. You two spend the evening eating s’mores under blankets and playing records, and then she dares you to kiss her!
Real World: Same scenario, but replace all the fun stuff with: the pillow fort reminds her of a traumatic childhood experience that she refuses to explain. You spend the rest of the night asking her, “What’s wrong,” and offering her tissues.

Movie World: After an intense shared experience, super cute quirky girl cuts all of her hair off in an adorable pixie cut and begins speaking with a british accent because she’s “starting over.”
Real World: After chasing xanax and vicodin with a bottle of red wine, she shaves her head unevenly and passes out at your cousin’s wedding.

Movie World: Your artsy, adorable crush constructs a scavenger hunt for you with step by step instructions. You have to take a picture of a smiling baby, find a cloud that looks like a sleeping lion, and release 5 balloons into the air. The final step of the scavenger hunt takes you to a rooftop, where she got your favorite indie band plays a private concert for the two of you.
Real World: She kills herself.

There it is, guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie.

(originally posted here on our Funny or Die page. Resurrected in honor of a certain just released movie)


GUESTBREAKER: You Talk Like the Internet
I’m glad we decided to stay in tonight. I still can’t believe how many stand up DVD’s you own. Man, Bill Cosby just might be the funniest man in history. This is so great. We should do this more often. Wait, did you just say “hilar”? Yeah, I think he’s hilarious too. I just stopped “lolling” because I realized those extra two syllables weren’t coming. It’s getting late. I should go.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Bob Walles. Go see his amazing variety show, The Moon, at Royal Oak in Brooklyn.

GUESTBREAKER: You Talk Like the Internet

I’m glad we decided to stay in tonight. I still can’t believe how many stand up DVD’s you own. Man, Bill Cosby just might be the funniest man in history. This is so great. We should do this more often. Wait, did you just say “hilar”? Yeah, I think he’s hilarious too. I just stopped “lolling” because I realized those extra two syllables weren’t coming. It’s getting late. I should go.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Bob Walles. Go see his amazing variety show, The Moon, at Royal Oak in Brooklyn.