Posts tagged essay

Thanksgiving Safety Tips!
Hey all you Turkey heads! It’s Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: the three F’s! For the uninitiated, that’s food, football, and family! We here at Dealbreaker have put together a list of safety tips to make sure that those three F’s aren’t accompanied by failure, famine, and freakaccidents.
-COOK YOUR TURKEY!!! We can’t stress this enough. If you hurt your teeth on a drumstick, it’s probably because it’s FROZEN.
-Don’t take the whiskey away from Gramps. Gramps fought in 2 wars. That whiskey is his right, and if you need to pry him off the couch with a snow shovel, so be it. He’s a hero!
-When saying what you’re thankful for, DON’T say “nothing”, and certainly don’t follow that up by putting sunglasses on and saying “Deal with it”, unless you’re ready to be the COOLEST PERSON AT THE TABLE.
-DON’T compare your fattest relative to a Macy’s Parade Float. Unless, of course, that float is Snoopy, because everyone loves Snoopy.
-UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE: When asked what you’re up to these days, multiply the amount of times you smoke weed every day by zero, the amount of times you masturbate by zero, and the amount of job interviews and volunteer work you do by 100.
-Avoid wearing button fly pants, lest those buttons fly off and puncture the eyeballs of your loved ones post-meal.
-And last but CERTAINLY not least, wear an earpiece playing Fox News to better help you communicate with your most racist and out of touch relatives.
Crisis Averted! Enjoy your meals! Don’t fistfight your dad! We love you!
Happy Thanksgiving,
Dave and Marisa
Previous Holiday Safety Tips: Halloween , 4th of July 

Thanksgiving Safety Tips!

Hey all you Turkey heads! It’s Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: the three F’s! For the uninitiated, that’s food, football, and family! We here at Dealbreaker have put together a list of safety tips to make sure that those three F’s aren’t accompanied by failure, famine, and freakaccidents.

-COOK YOUR TURKEY!!! We can’t stress this enough. If you hurt your teeth on a drumstick, it’s probably because it’s FROZEN.

-Don’t take the whiskey away from Gramps. Gramps fought in 2 wars. That whiskey is his right, and if you need to pry him off the couch with a snow shovel, so be it. He’s a hero!

-When saying what you’re thankful for, DON’T say “nothing”, and certainly don’t follow that up by putting sunglasses on and saying “Deal with it”, unless you’re ready to be the COOLEST PERSON AT THE TABLE.

-DON’T compare your fattest relative to a Macy’s Parade Float. Unless, of course, that float is Snoopy, because everyone loves Snoopy.

-UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE: When asked what you’re up to these days, multiply the amount of times you smoke weed every day by zero, the amount of times you masturbate by zero, and the amount of job interviews and volunteer work you do by 100.

-Avoid wearing button fly pants, lest those buttons fly off and puncture the eyeballs of your loved ones post-meal.

-And last but CERTAINLY not least, wear an earpiece playing Fox News to better help you communicate with your most racist and out of touch relatives.

Crisis Averted! Enjoy your meals! Don’t fistfight your dad! We love you!

Happy Thanksgiving,

Dave and Marisa

Previous Holiday Safety Tips: Halloween , 4th of July 


The time for meatheads has passed. Jersey Shore has rendered them a thin parody of their former selves. No longer will women (and smaller men) cower in fear at the site of their neck veins and tribal tats. We can watch them be reduced to thin caricatures for our amusement every week on MTV. They pose no threat anymore now that their mystique is gone. Their formerly bleach blond girlfriends have dyed their hair chestnut brown (Right? WTF bro?) and they’re following the Monsters of Folk around the country. They’re even lasering off their DMB quote tattoo and replacing it with the chorus to Skinny Love by Bon Iver! What gives dudes? Seems like it’s time for a new strategy, eh? Well, I think I might have found it.

The other day, as I was walking to my apartment, I passed my neighbor’s door. I’ve never met the people who live there, but we have thin walls and I can usually hear rap blasting, and I often smell weed when I pass by. If I go out on my balcony, I can pretty much always hear them yelling at/about girls. These guys, I assumed, were douchebags. Meatheads. Meatbags. Douchebros.

OR WERE THEY?

This day, they were not blasting rap, but rather the song Walking With a Ghost by Canadian folk duo Tegan and Sara. Canadian twin sister folk duo. CANADIAN TWIN SISTER LESBIAN FOLK DUO. And this song was not emanating from a television or a computer, so as to suggest that these bros were watching them play it live so they could gawk at them (“Bro, look at those artsy chicks. You think they make out? CMON Bro, at least once!”), this was coming from a stereo. These guys OWNED this piece of music. And they were blasting it like one would blast the new Ceel-lo song (or the old Cee-lo song, or any Cee-lo song, for that matter).

Ladies, take heed. I’m calling it right now: I think there is an epidemic on the rise. A new wave of shitty guy that is less easy to spot. No, this dudebro won’t be fist pumping to house music, but rather swaying to the new Bonnie “Prince” Billy. He’s not grilling ribs with his buds every weekend, but rather looking into a raw food diet (and he’s totally amped that Yohimbe is supposedly good for boners!). He is still very much the douchebag you have grown to loathe and fear, but now he’s growing his spiked, gelled hair out into a sweepy Bieber-esque bowl cut, or a Broken Social Scene Canadian head mop. 

The Sensitive douchebag is coming. And he isn’t pretty. He’ll clumsily spoon you after sex, but he still won’t call afterward. He’ll make you a mix CD, but it’ll have some Journey in there next to Sufjan. He’ll take you out for chai lattes, but he’ll put Muscle Milk in his.

He can benchpress Jesse Eisenberg, he’ll read Watchmen because he likes the pretty colors, and he’s learning to play the bass.

He’s the Sensidouche, and he’s coming.


theidiotking:

Have you ever pulled a freeze out? A freeze out is when you intentionally ignore or avoid someone electronically in order to get them to pay attention to you. It requires an icy exterior, an iron will, and the drive to keep going no matter what. It also doesn’t really work, so it helps to be a little bit stupid, too.

The rules are simple: No texting, no emailing, no messaging, and no Facebooking. Usually performed in the wake of a break up, the middle of a hiatus of some kind, or somewhere inside of a weird amorphous thing that has gone awry along the way, this tactic is not terribly effective because if you’re not getting in touch with someone, it’s impossible to show that you actually want their attention. It’s counter intuitive, and it can sometimes seem like you might be better off trying to psychically will the person to get in touch with you.

“I don’t care about you. In fact, I’m being totally chill just hanging out here on the internet, talking to all sorts of awesome people, and wouldn’t you just LOOOOVE to be one of them?” That’s what you hope the green circle next to your Gchat name will convey. But you’re wrong, because all that it really conveys is, “I’m currently using an online messaging service that is tied to my email account.” It means you’re available to talk online, and the person you’re trying to freeze out is not doing anything with that knowledge. “Wait just a second,” says the unreliable detective that lives in your brain. “Maybe they’re freezing YOU out!” Panic sets in. Never thought of that, did you? Could your nemesis be as sinister as you? If so, you’re left with one option: get the fuck out of Dodge, cowboy. Sign off!

It seems as though the best a freeze out can do is earn you a “hey, what’s up? It’s been a LONG time!” However, the worst it can do is get you a one way ticket to a DOUBLE freeze out, resulting in months of uncommunicative silence. Is it really worth the gamble? Is it really worth the uncertainty? You’re playing with emotional gunpowder, and a poorly timed explosion could earn you a trip to the Mac store with a coffee mug stuck angrily into your laptop.

So, the moral of the story is this: If you find yourself sitting in front of your computer late at night, slightly drunk (or even worse, completely sober), and you’re contemplating sending an ill advised instant message to break the long silence, DON’T. Just do what normal people do: sign off and go look at 400 of someone’s Facebook pictures. True, it’s less active, and, true, you’re putting a stop to the sexy game of internet cat and mouse you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you’re in the middle of. Think of it this way: It’s infinitely less sad than playing e-chicken with someone who probably doesn’t care enough to get out of the way.


You’re An American Apparel Model
Okay, so we’ve been dating for a while now and you have yet to put pants on. I’m sorry, but I can’t introduce you to my family while you’re wearing a see through mesh bodysuit. I just don’t think my grandmother would appreciate an up close view of your vagina. Just a hunch I had. Ugh. This is really hard for me to say, but- I’m sorry, can you cover your nipples for ONE second? This is kind of important. I don’t think this is working out, and- no, I don’t know where you can get some more coke, but that’s sort of the prob- it’s really hard for me to have this conversation with you when you’re writhing around on the floor like a sexy jellyfish. Use your bones like people do. Also, you’re always rubbing your eyes and looking bewildered like you just woke up from a nightmare. Have you been sleeping on the floor again? Oh, this is pretty troubling, but you seem to have a habit of yelling “Dov!” while we’re having sex and then bursting out laughing and THEN crying. You know that’s not my name, right? And how many “corporate retreats” does your company take you on? You’re always leaving for days on end, and you always wake up in dingy basements. Your “job” is starting to sound like you’re just being routinely kidnapped every few days. Well, I guess that’s it. I actually feel a lot better, thanks for finally listening. Babe? Sweetie? You okay? Oh shit. Oh no! Wake up! Does anyone have any cocaine? Perhaps a Polaroid camera? Some sugar free Red Bull, maybe? Get me a flash drive with Girl Talk on it, STAT! A life is hanging in the balance!

You’re An American Apparel Model

Okay, so we’ve been dating for a while now and you have yet to put pants on. I’m sorry, but I can’t introduce you to my family while you’re wearing a see through mesh bodysuit. I just don’t think my grandmother would appreciate an up close view of your vagina. Just a hunch I had. Ugh. This is really hard for me to say, but- I’m sorry, can you cover your nipples for ONE second? This is kind of important. I don’t think this is working out, and- no, I don’t know where you can get some more coke, but that’s sort of the prob- it’s really hard for me to have this conversation with you when you’re writhing around on the floor like a sexy jellyfish. Use your bones like people do. Also, you’re always rubbing your eyes and looking bewildered like you just woke up from a nightmare. Have you been sleeping on the floor again? Oh, this is pretty troubling, but you seem to have a habit of yelling “Dov!” while we’re having sex and then bursting out laughing and THEN crying. You know that’s not my name, right? And how many “corporate retreats” does your company take you on? You’re always leaving for days on end, and you always wake up in dingy basements. Your “job” is starting to sound like you’re just being routinely kidnapped every few days. Well, I guess that’s it. I actually feel a lot better, thanks for finally listening. Babe? Sweetie? You okay? Oh shit. Oh no! Wake up! Does anyone have any cocaine? Perhaps a Polaroid camera? Some sugar free Red Bull, maybe? Get me a flash drive with Girl Talk on it, STAT! A life is hanging in the balance!


That Super Cute Quirky Girl From that Movie
Fellas: we’ve got some bad news for you. The adorable female lead from your favorite quirky movie would be an obnoxious maniac if she were a real person. If we have to see one more movie where Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel play delicate little quirkmuffins, we’ll probably enjoy it, buy the DVD, and start a Facebook group about it. BUT THEN we’d realize that those girls don’t exist in reality, and their closest real world approximations are usually total basket cases with daddy issues and a purse full of meds. Allow us to break the illusion for you and show you how shit would go down, real world vs. movie world. Movie World: Super cute quirky girl (SCQG) puts headphones on you and plays you a song that melts your little heart.Real World: You’ve already heard the song, and you pretend to be impressed. However, she can see through it and gives you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.Movie World: SCQG tells you that you two are going for a ride. When you ask her where you’re going, she puts a blindfold on you and says, “it’s a secret.” Then the two of you sneak into the natural history museum after hours and make out in the dinosaur room.Real World: The secret place she takes you to is her coke dealer’s house, and he makes you watch mildly pornographic movies where women fight each other.Movie World: Cute girl invites you over to make a pillow fort. You two spend the evening eating s’mores under blankets and playing records, and then she dares you to kiss her! Real World: Same scenario, but replace all the fun stuff with: the pillow fort reminds her of a traumatic childhood experience that she refuses to explain. You spend the rest of the night asking her, “What’s wrong,” and offering her tissues. Movie World: After an intense shared experience, super cute quirky girl cuts all of her hair off in an adorable pixie cut and begins speaking with a british accent because she’s “starting over.”Real World: After chasing xanax and vicodin with a bottle of red wine, she shaves her head unevenly and passes out at your cousin’s wedding. Movie World: Your artsy, adorable crush constructs a scavenger hunt for you with step by step instructions. You have to take a picture of a smiling baby, find a cloud that looks like a sleeping lion, and release 5 balloons into the air. The final step of the scavenger hunt takes you to a rooftop, where she got your favorite indie band plays a private concert for the two of you.Real World: She kills herself.There it is, guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie.
(originally posted here on our Funny or Die page. Resurrected in honor of a certain just released movie)

That Super Cute Quirky Girl From that Movie

Fellas: we’ve got some bad news for you. The adorable female lead from your favorite quirky movie would be an obnoxious maniac if she were a real person. If we have to see one more movie where Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel play delicate little quirkmuffins, we’ll probably enjoy it, buy the DVD, and start a Facebook group about it. BUT THEN we’d realize that those girls don’t exist in reality, and their closest real world approximations are usually total basket cases with daddy issues and a purse full of meds. Allow us to break the illusion for you and show you how shit would go down, real world vs. movie world.

Movie World: Super cute quirky girl (SCQG) puts headphones on you and plays you a song that melts your little heart.
Real World: You’ve already heard the song, and you pretend to be impressed. However, she can see through it and gives you the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

Movie World: SCQG tells you that you two are going for a ride. When you ask her where you’re going, she puts a blindfold on you and says, “it’s a secret.” Then the two of you sneak into the natural history museum after hours and make out in the dinosaur room.
Real World: The secret place she takes you to is her coke dealer’s house, and he makes you watch mildly pornographic movies where women fight each other.

Movie World: Cute girl invites you over to make a pillow fort. You two spend the evening eating s’mores under blankets and playing records, and then she dares you to kiss her!
Real World: Same scenario, but replace all the fun stuff with: the pillow fort reminds her of a traumatic childhood experience that she refuses to explain. You spend the rest of the night asking her, “What’s wrong,” and offering her tissues.

Movie World: After an intense shared experience, super cute quirky girl cuts all of her hair off in an adorable pixie cut and begins speaking with a british accent because she’s “starting over.”
Real World: After chasing xanax and vicodin with a bottle of red wine, she shaves her head unevenly and passes out at your cousin’s wedding.

Movie World: Your artsy, adorable crush constructs a scavenger hunt for you with step by step instructions. You have to take a picture of a smiling baby, find a cloud that looks like a sleeping lion, and release 5 balloons into the air. The final step of the scavenger hunt takes you to a rooftop, where she got your favorite indie band plays a private concert for the two of you.
Real World: She kills herself.

There it is, guys. Quirky and adorable movie girls may not exist in real life, but look at it this way, at least it’s been five years and Zach Braff still hasn’t made another movie.

(originally posted here on our Funny or Die page. Resurrected in honor of a certain just released movie)