Thanksgiving Safety Tips!
Hey all you Turkey heads! It’s Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: the three F’s! For the uninitiated, that’s food, football, and family! We here at Dealbreaker have put together a list of safety tips to make sure that those three F’s aren’t accompanied by failure, famine, and freakaccidents.
-COOK YOUR TURKEY!!! We can’t stress this enough. If you hurt your teeth on a drumstick, it’s probably because it’s FROZEN.
-Don’t take the whiskey away from Gramps. Gramps fought in 2 wars. That whiskey is his right, and if you need to pry him off the couch with a snow shovel, so be it. He’s a hero!
-When saying what you’re thankful for, DON’T say “nothing”, and certainly don’t follow that up by putting sunglasses on and saying “Deal with it”, unless you’re ready to be the COOLEST PERSON AT THE TABLE.
-DON’T compare your fattest relative to a Macy’s Parade Float. Unless, of course, that float is Snoopy, because everyone loves Snoopy.
-UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE: When asked what you’re up to these days, multiply the amount of times you smoke weed every day by zero, the amount of times you masturbate by zero, and the amount of job interviews and volunteer work you do by 100.
-Avoid wearing button fly pants, lest those buttons fly off and puncture the eyeballs of your loved ones post-meal.
-And last but CERTAINLY not least, wear an earpiece playing Fox News to better help you communicate with your most racist and out of touch relatives.
Crisis Averted! Enjoy your meals! Don’t fistfight your dad! We love you!
Dave and Marisa