You’re REALLY a Biter

We had some great dates and a few steamy parking-lot makeout sessions. After dinner on our fourth date, we make our way back to your place. We start making out and I totally had it planned that I was going to sleep with you tonight; I wore the good underwear, shaved my legs, the whole deal. Well while we’re getting into it, you make this noise and proceeded to bite my lip… But NO, not just any playful bite, a “I just watched a marathon of True Blood and I’m going to chew the shit out of your upper lip until you bleed” kind of bite. I start to pull away but you continue to rip and pull my face apart. I’m sorry, I did not realize that teeth rape was on the menu tonight, you ravenous freak. Enjoy jerking off tonight because I have a bag of ice I need to get to. Asshole….

Written by Christina H.

You Fucked A Hooker In Amsterdam

We met at a study abroad program in Europe and I know that we both had at least some idea that this was a romance wrapped up in the excitement of our temporary situation, the fact that I had a boyfriend in the states (scandal!), and our shared passion for the availability of all the strong and copious amounts of drugs that the Netherlands had to offer.  

And while I acknowledge that the entire time we were courting we were both on mushrooms and covered in face paint, and I think that your first pick up line had something to do with you jokingly requesting a hand job, when you told me you were going into Amsterdam to visit the Red Light District, I assumed you’d be innocently boozing with your friends at a sex show and thoughtfully bringing me back a vagina-shaped lighter. Unfortunately, I had to terminate the possibility of continuing our tryst stateside when you nonchalantly revealed your most recent foray into the unconventional pastimes offered by the Dutch. You fucked a hooker. 

 You. Fucked. A. Hooker.

They say that every time you have sex with someone, you’re basically having sex with all of the people that that person had sex with. Thanks for bumping my number up to 1 million. 

-Written By Samantha

You’re “Party Bi”

Heather/Mckenzie/Sydney/Meghan, when I met you things were a lot different. Specifically, we were drunk and surrounded by bros. The first part means that I didn’t think too much about that last part. You say I’m your girlfriend on Facebook, but when we go out I’m your “friend”. You always want to make out in public. Not light pecks, you’re climbing on top of me and ramming your tongue down my throat whenever we’re surrounded by cute boys. I get you alone, and if I want anything we have to take pictures. Am In in some sort of porn reality show without realizing it? It’s like you and me alone is your ultimate turn-off. I’m reasonably sure what you want is a job as a stripper, not a relationship, and I need to lose a few pounds before I’m considered a pole. 

-Written by sparkling-decay

A sneak preview of some of the extra fun in the Dealbreaker book!  Thank you for your continued readership.  We love you.  

Click through for larger image.  

Your Sex Dungeon

Wow! This is going so well! It was kind of forward of you to invite me back to your place, but I think I’m totally into it! I mean, I don’t usually do this, but whatever, you seem great. Cool, you have a house! Wow, I only have an apartment and- oh. Sure, I’ll take a tour of the basement. I mean, I’d rather see the upstairs but we can get to that later, right? Huh. Man it’s dark in here huh? Just some blacklight fixtures. Lots of leather, a wall of… are those paddles? Oh, no. Okay, look, I know that during dinner I said that I was adventurous, but I was sort of talking about spontaneous road trips and ethnic cuisine. No offense to your lifestyle choice, but I’m going to pass on the ball gag and chains. At least we can both agree that Nine Inch Nails made some really amazing music right? Ha! Anyway… please let me live. I’ve got some great stuff DVR’d at home.

You Don’t Reciprocate Oral Sex

Esteemed Associate, Weekly Co-habitator.  I have called you here today to address a very serious concern that threatens the harmony of this alliance.  It has come to my attention that there is a trade imbalance in this relationship.  We have been exporting fellatio at rate of 5 times per week, while import of cunnlingus has dropped from one time per week to zero times per week with the exception of a birthday.  If 18th century economist Adam Smith’s theory on Absolute Advantage has taught us anything, ignoring this deficit can only result in one thing:  You’re going to get dumped in favor of a dude who’s begging to chomp on this box lunch.

GUESTBREAKER: You’re a Heterosexual Lesbian

All of your clothes are either pink or covered in glitter/stars. I’m a lesbian. I like girls. I even like feminine women. However, what I am not into are over-grown junior high cheerleaders. At first I thought your obsession with gel pens was ironic… then I realized just how wrong I was. Sexuality is a spectrum, I get it. However, after so many flirtatious “growls” at the mention of Alan Rickman and just how NOT into the L Word or Suicide Girls you are… I can’t help but wonder, are you sure I’m the one you are looking for. I get that Rachel Maddow and liberal politics aren’t for everyone. I get that you might not be first on the waiting list for an Alaskan Olivia Cruise… but you read Twilight! And you liked it! And you picked a team [Edward/Jacob]. So please, do us all a favor and come out. You’re straight!

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Jordan.

Your Idea of Dancing

Hey pal. Can you get your erect penis away from my skirt? I’d like to leave this club with a mild buzz and a safe ride home, not an unplanned pregnancy.

GUESTBREAKER:  You Insist On Being The Little Spoon

Listen, I know there are no real laws in the world of cuddling, but I made the mistake of mentioning to my friends that you prefer to the be the little spoon and they burst out laughing. Why? Well…maybe because I’m a female. The fact is, it took me a while to get over the fact that you are a half an inch shorter than me. But I did, because you are so sensitive and loving and “not like the other guys”. But you gotta understand why I’m getting mixed signals when you spank me, try to bust on my face, ask if I’d ever want to try anal, and then want me to hold you in my arms like a small child after we’re done. Now I’m all for being a strong woman and not needing a man to take care of me or whatever, but when I’m singing you lullabies and rocking you to sleep it makes me wonder if I should be double checking for which one of us has the penis. You’re a sweet guy, how bout you try on these pants for size?

Now please roll over or something, I can’t feel my arm.

A Guest Dealbreaker Written by Carly.