Tony G: Guido Lawyer Of The Dude Who Punched Snooki On Jersey Shore
Excuse me, please, but please let the record show that I am representing my client, who has been accused of physically striking Nicole Polizzi, aka Snooki, aka Snickers, one of the housemates from MTV’s Jersey Shore. To give you a visual, she looks like an extremely tiny person who would look very comfortable standing on top of a trophy that someone would win from scoring honorable mention in a tanning competition for troll dolls.
I am almost qualified to be a criminal defense attorney because for a number of reasons. Reason Number One: my father bullied the admissions officer at Fordham Law School to let me in, and he DID. While I didn’t attend a single class, I did go to various sick parties and pump my fist to house music for half a semester. Reason Number Two: I have watched 212 hours of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, because I am very interested in rape and rape culture.
Okay, let’s begin. My deposition will be sponsored in part by Axe Deodorant Facial Cologne: when you want your face to smell exactly like your pits. Unless you’ve been living under the wrestler The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson, you’ve probably seen footage of what MIGHT APPEAR to be my client, sucker punching Snooki in her tiny little face. I am here to explicate to you for once and forever, that looks have maybe been totally deceptive in this scenario, and that these allegations are faker than JWOWW’s tits.
I now present to you Exhibit A: a bottle Of Vitalis for Men Maximum Hold Mousse. Now, if you’ve ever been to Seaside Heights New Jersey, you will surely of course know that looking good is a number one priority, and that extends to, of course, hair. Whether it be the poof, the blowout, the Rockstar Energy Mohawk, the juicehead buzz cut, or even the Rachel from TV’s Friends, hair is important to a Guido. My client was no exception.
The night in question was a sweaty, messy one. People freakin’ each other, getting creepy on the dance floor, having a few adult beverages (that means Zima), showing each other their dolphin tattoos and penis piercings, you know, just getting’ wild. Anyway, my client was getting particularly hot and sweaty due to a glandular disorder, and when he found himself at the bar to get a ice cold glass of Jagermeister to refresh himself, his self tanner had begun to melt, and his VITALIS FOR MEN MAXIMUM HOLD MOUSSE (Exhibit A, remember) was dripping down his face.
Now, it was at this moment that my client got all dizzy and shit, and in an effort to keep himself from falling, he put his arm, which was covered in melted bronzer and mousse, on the bar. His arm was all slippery and greasy, and it INSTANTLY AND WITHOUT WARNING slipped up, up, and over 2 people, and collided with the tiny schnauzer-lady’s face, while he was ALSO saying things like cunt and bitch, because of his Tourette’s disease that happens to him when he drinks Jager. So, like, that’s what the fuck happened. So, my guy is innocent! OH SHIT! I just proved my client to be innocent! OH FUCK DUDE I’M SUCH A SICK LAWYWER!
In summation, my client is innocent and also I am a part time DJ slash muscle car restorer and I practice out of my dad’s driveway.
(he leaves, punching a woman in the face on his way out)