Posts tagged Douchebag

The time for meatheads has passed. Jersey Shore has rendered them a thin parody of their former selves. No longer will women (and smaller men) cower in fear at the site of their neck veins and tribal tats. We can watch them be reduced to thin caricatures for our amusement every week on MTV. They pose no threat anymore now that their mystique is gone. Their formerly bleach blond girlfriends have dyed their hair chestnut brown (Right? WTF bro?) and they’re following the Monsters of Folk around the country. They’re even lasering off their DMB quote tattoo and replacing it with the chorus to Skinny Love by Bon Iver! What gives dudes? Seems like it’s time for a new strategy, eh? Well, I think I might have found it.

The other day, as I was walking to my apartment, I passed my neighbor’s door. I’ve never met the people who live there, but we have thin walls and I can usually hear rap blasting, and I often smell weed when I pass by. If I go out on my balcony, I can pretty much always hear them yelling at/about girls. These guys, I assumed, were douchebags. Meatheads. Meatbags. Douchebros.

OR WERE THEY?

This day, they were not blasting rap, but rather the song Walking With a Ghost by Canadian folk duo Tegan and Sara. Canadian twin sister folk duo. CANADIAN TWIN SISTER LESBIAN FOLK DUO. And this song was not emanating from a television or a computer, so as to suggest that these bros were watching them play it live so they could gawk at them (“Bro, look at those artsy chicks. You think they make out? CMON Bro, at least once!”), this was coming from a stereo. These guys OWNED this piece of music. And they were blasting it like one would blast the new Ceel-lo song (or the old Cee-lo song, or any Cee-lo song, for that matter).

Ladies, take heed. I’m calling it right now: I think there is an epidemic on the rise. A new wave of shitty guy that is less easy to spot. No, this dudebro won’t be fist pumping to house music, but rather swaying to the new Bonnie “Prince” Billy. He’s not grilling ribs with his buds every weekend, but rather looking into a raw food diet (and he’s totally amped that Yohimbe is supposedly good for boners!). He is still very much the douchebag you have grown to loathe and fear, but now he’s growing his spiked, gelled hair out into a sweepy Bieber-esque bowl cut, or a Broken Social Scene Canadian head mop. 

The Sensitive douchebag is coming. And he isn’t pretty. He’ll clumsily spoon you after sex, but he still won’t call afterward. He’ll make you a mix CD, but it’ll have some Journey in there next to Sufjan. He’ll take you out for chai lattes, but he’ll put Muscle Milk in his.

He can benchpress Jesse Eisenberg, he’ll read Watchmen because he likes the pretty colors, and he’s learning to play the bass.

He’s the Sensidouche, and he’s coming.


GUESTBREAKER: You Tan
You tan? Really? Outside right? No? In a tanning bed… Well I guess there’s not much sun in Seattle. EMBRACE THE PALENESS. Wait, you just said you tan to look “God like”? Um ok… somebody has a complex. Oh its normal to go tanning? No, I don’t think so. Thats just wrong. Weird women with image issues who aren’t okay with their natural skin tone go tanning. Guidos tan. Gay men tan. Nobody should tan. Ever. Its bad. Cancer. Pre-mature aging. It makes you look like a carrot. And well when you tan… you get tan. Pale > Tan. Seriously. Pale is good. Pale is beautiful. You have blonde hair and blue eyes, you aren’t supposed to be tan. You’re supposed to have that beautiful pale white boy complexion. Don’t go ruin it in a tanning bed. No. Just no.So now when you want me to take your shirt off and stroke your abs, your skin won’t be milky and smooth looking anymore. Its gonna be orange and dirty looking. And no, thats not gold. Its fucking orange. Forget it. I am not taking your shirt off. Stay out of the tanning bed or I am not getting in your bed.A Guest Dealbreaker written by Kerri.

GUESTBREAKER: You Tan

You tan? Really? Outside right? No? In a tanning bed… Well I guess there’s not much sun in Seattle. EMBRACE THE PALENESS. Wait, you just said you tan to look “God like”? Um ok… somebody has a complex. Oh its normal to go tanning? No, I don’t think so. Thats just wrong. Weird women with image issues who aren’t okay with their natural skin tone go tanning. Guidos tan. Gay men tan. Nobody should tan. Ever. Its bad. Cancer. Pre-mature aging. It makes you look like a carrot. And well when you tan… you get tan. Pale > Tan. Seriously. Pale is good. Pale is beautiful. You have blonde hair and blue eyes, you aren’t supposed to be tan. You’re supposed to have that beautiful pale white boy complexion. Don’t go ruin it in a tanning bed.

No. Just no.

So now when you want me to take your shirt off and stroke your abs, your skin won’t be milky and smooth looking anymore. Its gonna be orange and dirty looking. And no, thats not gold. Its fucking orange. Forget it. I am not taking your shirt off. Stay out of the tanning bed or I am not getting in your bed.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Kerri.


GUESTBREAKER: You Wear Ugg Boots
Someone once said that your clothes should be fashionable or beautiful and those, my friend, are neither.I know, I know, it’s snowing. Sure, they’re warm but think about it: it’s snowing! You’re wearing outdoor slippers. Why you’re surprised when your toes get wet is anyone’s guess.No you may not borrow my shoes even though I have tiny girl-feet because you need to learn.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Jamie.

GUESTBREAKER: You Wear Ugg Boots

Someone once said that your clothes should be fashionable or beautiful and those, my friend, are neither.

I know, I know, it’s snowing. Sure, they’re warm but think about it: it’s snowing! You’re wearing outdoor slippers. Why you’re surprised when your toes get wet is anyone’s guess.

No you may not borrow my shoes even though I have tiny girl-feet because you need to learn.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Jamie.


You Put Something In My Drink
Hey there slick, what’s going on with my vodka soda? I turn my back for 5 seconds and now it looks like a sea monkey habitat. Let’s not dance around the issue, dude: you’re trying to drug me and take me to your creepy dungeon/parents’ basement, right? Wow. If I knew I was eating dinner with a sex criminal, I wouldn’t have bothered wearing makeup and a nice dress. And I wouldn’t have showered. And told my friends. Or shown up at all. Actually, I’m a cop and this is a sting operation. Not really, I just wanted to see if you’d piss yourself. Annnnnd, jackpot.

You Put Something In My Drink

Hey there slick, what’s going on with my vodka soda? I turn my back for 5 seconds and now it looks like a sea monkey habitat. Let’s not dance around the issue, dude: you’re trying to drug me and take me to your creepy dungeon/parents’ basement, right? Wow. If I knew I was eating dinner with a sex criminal, I wouldn’t have bothered wearing makeup and a nice dress. And I wouldn’t have showered. And told my friends. Or shown up at all. Actually, I’m a cop and this is a sting operation. Not really, I just wanted to see if you’d piss yourself. Annnnnd, jackpot.


You’re a Pickup Artist
So, your name is Laser Vision? Really? Is that your given name, or just a really great way to start a conversation? Do I want to see a card trick? Huh? Now you’re just answering a question with a question. Why do you want to know if I believe in the power of hypnotic suggestion? Oh. Wait a minute. I know what’s going on. Look, man, I refuse to be just another feather in your (pirate) hat. You’re as obvious and easy to read as the words on your scrolling LED belt buckle. You’ve paid thousands of dollars to learn how to trick women into sleeping with you, all with the precision of a dungeons and dragons enthusiast. I’m going to go talk to my normal friends now. You know, the human beings over there who don’t need to take a class to find out how to talk to people.

You’re a Pickup Artist

So, your name is Laser Vision? Really? Is that your given name, or just a really great way to start a conversation? Do I want to see a card trick? Huh? Now you’re just answering a question with a question. Why do you want to know if I believe in the power of hypnotic suggestion? Oh. Wait a minute. I know what’s going on. Look, man, I refuse to be just another feather in your (pirate) hat. You’re as obvious and easy to read as the words on your scrolling LED belt buckle. You’ve paid thousands of dollars to learn how to trick women into sleeping with you, all with the precision of a dungeons and dragons enthusiast. I’m going to go talk to my normal friends now. You know, the human beings over there who don’t need to take a class to find out how to talk to people.


GUESTBREAKER: You’re in a FratSo, you’re going to the bar with your bros to play beer pong and watch football? No thanks. And please don’t call me when you’re drunk and tell me I’m the most interesting girl you have ever met because I’m not in a sorority and I read books and I’m soooooo politically active. That’s really sweet. You like me because I don’t sleep around and I’m like, a real, drama-free girl? That’s really too kind. You can’t be yourself in front of your brothers? Aw, you poor thing. Wait, you were forced to take shots out of a stripper’s ass by your brothers while you were rushing? I never want to speak to you again. I cannot believe I slept with you.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Carly and Cass.

GUESTBREAKER: You’re in a Frat

So, you’re going to the bar with your bros to play beer pong and watch football? No thanks. And please don’t call me when you’re drunk and tell me I’m the most interesting girl you have ever met because I’m not in a sorority and I read books and I’m soooooo politically active. That’s really sweet. You like me because I don’t sleep around and I’m like, a real, drama-free girl? That’s really too kind. You can’t be yourself in front of your brothers? Aw, you poor thing. Wait, you were forced to take shots out of a stripper’s ass by your brothers while you were rushing? I never want to speak to you again. I cannot believe I slept with you.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Carly and Cass.


theidiotking:

Tony G: Guido Lawyer Of The Dude Who Punched Snooki On Jersey Shore
Excuse me, please, but please let the record show that I am representing my client, who has been accused of physically striking Nicole Polizzi, aka Snooki, aka Snickers, one of the housemates from MTV’s Jersey Shore. To give you a visual, she looks like an extremely tiny person who would look very comfortable standing on top of a trophy that someone would win from scoring honorable mention in a tanning competition for troll dolls.
I am almost qualified to be a criminal defense attorney because for a number of reasons. Reason Number One: my father bullied the admissions officer at Fordham Law School to let me in, and he DID. While I didn’t attend a single class, I did go to various sick parties and pump my fist to house music for half a semester. Reason Number Two: I have watched 212 hours of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, because I am very interested in rape and rape culture.
Okay, let’s begin. My deposition will be sponsored in part by Axe Deodorant Facial Cologne: when you want your face to smell exactly like your pits. Unless you’ve been living under the wrestler The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson, you’ve probably seen footage of what MIGHT APPEAR to be my client, sucker punching Snooki in her tiny little face. I am here to explicate to you for once and forever, that looks have maybe been totally deceptive in this scenario, and that these allegations are faker than JWOWW’s tits.
I now present to you Exhibit A: a bottle Of Vitalis for Men Maximum Hold Mousse. Now, if you’ve ever been to Seaside Heights New Jersey, you will surely of course know that looking good is a number one priority, and that extends to, of course, hair. Whether it be the poof, the blowout, the Rockstar Energy Mohawk, the juicehead buzz cut, or even the Rachel from TV’s Friends, hair is important to a Guido. My client was no exception.
The night in question was a sweaty, messy one. People freakin’ each other, getting creepy on the dance floor, having a few adult beverages (that means Zima), showing each other their dolphin tattoos and penis piercings, you know, just getting’ wild. Anyway, my client was getting particularly hot and sweaty due to a glandular disorder, and when he found himself at the bar to get a ice cold glass of Jagermeister to refresh himself, his self tanner had begun to melt, and his VITALIS FOR MEN MAXIMUM HOLD MOUSSE (Exhibit A, remember) was dripping down his face.
Now, it was at this moment that my client got all dizzy and shit, and in an effort to keep himself from falling,  he put his arm, which was covered in melted bronzer and mousse, on the bar. His arm was all slippery and greasy, and it INSTANTLY AND WITHOUT WARNING slipped up, up, and over 2 people, and collided with the tiny schnauzer-lady’s face, while he was ALSO saying things like cunt and bitch, because of his Tourette’s disease that happens to him when he drinks Jager. So, like, that’s what the fuck happened. So, my guy is innocent! OH SHIT! I just proved my client to be innocent! OH FUCK DUDE I’M SUCH A SICK LAWYWER!
In summation, my client is innocent and also I am a part time DJ slash muscle car restorer and I practice out of my dad’s driveway.
(he leaves, punching a woman in the face on his way out)

theidiotking:

Tony G: Guido Lawyer Of The Dude Who Punched Snooki On Jersey Shore

Excuse me, please, but please let the record show that I am representing my client, who has been accused of physically striking Nicole Polizzi, aka Snooki, aka Snickers, one of the housemates from MTV’s Jersey Shore. To give you a visual, she looks like an extremely tiny person who would look very comfortable standing on top of a trophy that someone would win from scoring honorable mention in a tanning competition for troll dolls.

I am almost qualified to be a criminal defense attorney because for a number of reasons. Reason Number One: my father bullied the admissions officer at Fordham Law School to let me in, and he DID. While I didn’t attend a single class, I did go to various sick parties and pump my fist to house music for half a semester. Reason Number Two: I have watched 212 hours of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, because I am very interested in rape and rape culture.

Okay, let’s begin. My deposition will be sponsored in part by Axe Deodorant Facial Cologne: when you want your face to smell exactly like your pits. Unless you’ve been living under the wrestler The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson, you’ve probably seen footage of what MIGHT APPEAR to be my client, sucker punching Snooki in her tiny little face. I am here to explicate to you for once and forever, that looks have maybe been totally deceptive in this scenario, and that these allegations are faker than JWOWW’s tits.

I now present to you Exhibit A: a bottle Of Vitalis for Men Maximum Hold Mousse. Now, if you’ve ever been to Seaside Heights New Jersey, you will surely of course know that looking good is a number one priority, and that extends to, of course, hair. Whether it be the poof, the blowout, the Rockstar Energy Mohawk, the juicehead buzz cut, or even the Rachel from TV’s Friends, hair is important to a Guido. My client was no exception.

The night in question was a sweaty, messy one. People freakin’ each other, getting creepy on the dance floor, having a few adult beverages (that means Zima), showing each other their dolphin tattoos and penis piercings, you know, just getting’ wild. Anyway, my client was getting particularly hot and sweaty due to a glandular disorder, and when he found himself at the bar to get a ice cold glass of Jagermeister to refresh himself, his self tanner had begun to melt, and his VITALIS FOR MEN MAXIMUM HOLD MOUSSE (Exhibit A, remember) was dripping down his face.

Now, it was at this moment that my client got all dizzy and shit, and in an effort to keep himself from falling,  he put his arm, which was covered in melted bronzer and mousse, on the bar. His arm was all slippery and greasy, and it INSTANTLY AND WITHOUT WARNING slipped up, up, and over 2 people, and collided with the tiny schnauzer-lady’s face, while he was ALSO saying things like cunt and bitch, because of his Tourette’s disease that happens to him when he drinks Jager. So, like, that’s what the fuck happened. So, my guy is innocent! OH SHIT! I just proved my client to be innocent! OH FUCK DUDE I’M SUCH A SICK LAWYWER!

In summation, my client is innocent and also I am a part time DJ slash muscle car restorer and I practice out of my dad’s driveway.

(he leaves, punching a woman in the face on his way out)


GUESTBREAKER: Your Vanity Muscles
Yes, it’s true that when I first laid eyes on you, it was your broad shoulders and rather large arms that drove me to drunkenly wave at you.   It didn’t take long before I found out that your protein shakes give you intolerable gas and your post workout supplements cause impotence!   You’d think for all of the suffering your bulging muscles have caused me you could have picked me up in the shower to fuck, or maybe even thrown me over your shoulders. Christ, carrying my luggage every once in awhile would have been nice! After all, you can bench press twice my weight.   Alas no, you’re muscles are good for one thing and one thing only: luring unsuspecting woman into sexless, gassy relationships.   While you were at the gym I should have been out looking for a man capable of having an intelligent conversation.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Heather.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Vanity Muscles

Yes, it’s true that when I first laid eyes on you, it was your broad shoulders and rather large arms that drove me to drunkenly wave at you. It didn’t take long before I found out that your protein shakes give you intolerable gas and your post workout supplements cause impotence! You’d think for all of the suffering your bulging muscles have caused me you could have picked me up in the shower to fuck, or maybe even thrown me over your shoulders. Christ, carrying my luggage every once in awhile would have been nice! After all, you can bench press twice my weight. Alas no, you’re muscles are good for one thing and one thing only: luring unsuspecting woman into sexless, gassy relationships. While you were at the gym I should have been out looking for a man capable of having an intelligent conversation.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Heather.


Your Backwards Sunglasses
Your Bowling Shirts
Your Fat Stupid Face
YOU ARE GUY FIERI
Somewhere, some poor girl has let this man put his pulled-pork-filled mouth on her innocent boobs.  He probably said they were “So Money” and left her with a fist full of coupons for TGIFridays.  To that girl, I’m sorry, and I hope you found a less horrible way to piss off your dad.

Your Backwards Sunglasses

Your Bowling Shirts

Your Fat Stupid Face

YOU ARE GUY FIERI

Somewhere, some poor girl has let this man put his pulled-pork-filled mouth on her innocent boobs.  He probably said they were “So Money” and left her with a fist full of coupons for TGIFridays.  To that girl, I’m sorry, and I hope you found a less horrible way to piss off your dad.


You Chew Tobacco
Oh wow, I see you’ve thought of everything. Champagne, strawberries, a clear plastic bottle filled with murky brown liquid? What is- Oh, fucking hell. Your spit bottle? Because you chew tobacco? Jesus. I thought it smelled like dead cowboys in here..

You Chew Tobacco

Oh wow, I see you’ve thought of everything. Champagne, strawberries, a clear plastic bottle filled with murky brown liquid? What is- Oh, fucking hell. Your spit bottle? Because you chew tobacco? Jesus. I thought it smelled like dead cowboys in here..