GUESTBREAKER: You Leave Dirty Dishes In The Sink

So up until now, you’ve seemed like a pretty cool guy. When you invited me into your apartment, I was thinking we’d have a good time, eat dinner, watch a movie, maybe get up to a bit of “something something”. But then, when I saw your kitchen, it felt like everything I knew about you was a lie. There, in your sink, were PILES of filthy dishes and cookware that had to have been accumulating for DAYS. A pasta dish half-full of greasy orange water, cereal bowls with stray Cheerios still floating in them, silverware smudged with sauce stains and who knows what else, and god help me, a frying pan encrusted with burnt egg! I did the sane thing and asked why you had such heaps of filth sitting around in your kitchen.

You responded that you’re “too busy” to do your dishes.

What the FUCK? You’re TOO BUSY to make sure your sink isn’t full of festering flatware and stinking up your apartment? You’re TOO BUSY to give your goddamn bowls and plates a rinse and a brief soaping after eating off of them?! That’s it. I can’t handle this. If you’re too busy to make sure you don’t have rotten food spilling out of your sink and onto your counters, god only knows how you attend to your balls.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Kate.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Denim Couch

I was really excited to go back to your place. I mean, a guy with a full time job and his own apartment? It was like winning the lottery. I was already planning what our spawn would look like when I saw it: a denim couch. I hadn’t seen that much denim since the Britney and Justin disaster of ‘99. Wait, are really you trying to fool around with me on this couch? I’m pretty sure hooking up on a denim couch negates the effectiveness of birth control and will somehow lead to me getting pregnant and buying a trailer. So, you like to match your pantwear to your furniture. Does this go both ways? I guess I can expect to see you in leather chaps to match your desk chair. Gross.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Ashley

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Have Sheets On Your Bed

No, I am not going to have sex with you on a bare mattress because I am not a crack whore and this is not a shack with busted-out windows. You are an adult and this is actually a semi-decent apartment.

Where were you raised? I’m sure you had sheets on your bed as a child. Yet, somehow you lost the need for them along the way. Perhaps you started doing your own laundry in college, and decided it was too much work to wash your sheets and then return them to your mattress. Perhaps they were stolen from the laundry mat, or you made them into togas for parties and they never made it back home. In any case, where are they now?

I’ll tell you where they aren’t: covering your extra-long twin mattress, which is stained with bong water, and what I’m praying is barbeque sauce. It would appear that your mother didn’t raise you right, and I’m sure she would not appreciate knowing that that is the message you’re sending out to your lady visitors.

What’s that? You have something for the bed? Oh… oh no. That is a nylon sleeping bag from your boy scout days, and that is a damp bath towel. Those are not sheets, and they are really not a suitable substitute. Go to Target and buy some sheets. They’re like $20.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Lucy.

Your Posters

When the sun rose this morning and the light began to stream through the blinds into your bedroom, I regained a sense of clarity I was missing last night.  If only I had turned on a lamp.

GUESTBREAKER: You Aren’t a Real Person, Just a Coat on a Coat-rack in the Dark

I was really interested in you when I woke up half asleep and you were in the corner of my room being mysterious and brooding, but I turned on a light to reveal you were just a coat on a coat rack. The excitement faded. DEALBREAKER!

A Guest Dealbreaker written by David Seger.

Your Creepy Roommate

Maybe it’s my imagination, but it seems like your roommate knocks on the door and asks to borrow a DVD every time we have sex. It’s always season 3 of the Office and he only wants the first disc. Also, when he says, “you two sure look like you’re having fun,” I always feel like those are the last words I’m going to hear before I’m murdered.  

Your Dirty Bathroom.

“There is a direct correlation between the cleanliness of a gentleman’s sink and the cleanliness of his balls.”  - Dr. Pizza Scienceburger