!!!ADVICE LIGHTNING ROUND!!!

1. Hmm. What are the kids talking about these days? Young adult wizard fiction, New Dorito flavors, whether or not vampire bites hurt or feel kinda good, left side side-bangs or right side side-bangs, North Korea, and cool new phones. That should be a start!

2. Set a bear trap behind the guy you like, and then when you tell him you like him, SNAP! He’s yours forever. That bro’s not going anywhere!  Also, take your time and assess how he feels too. That could help more than the bear trap.

3. Keep your eye out for completely extraneous reasons to see you/talk to you. Questions that don’t need answering, texts out of nowhere, prolonged hangouts that could have ended hours ago. That and a big ol’ sloppy smooch on your mouth place.

4. Sounds like you’re a girl on the side. You ain’t no pile of cole slaw, you’s an entree! Tell that man to prioritize if he wants fries with that. SNAP SNAP! (sorry, got carried away there).

!!!ADVICE LIGHTNING ROUND!!!

1. Shy Guy Syndrome, or SGS, is an affliction that effects millions of dudes, bros, guys, and men the world over. The only known cures are beer, dark enclosed spaces, and women who are willing to take a chance on what seems like a sure thing. These cures can be combined in a super-cure, which is also known as a slam dunk. Shatter that backboard, ma.

2. Feel it out! Be as honest as you want, but be careful, because the difference between 20 (college, usually) and 25 (the real world) is a vast one. People are more guarded, but that doesn’t mean you have to be. Just keep yourself open to the possibility that sometimes people play games, and just because you know what you want, doesn’t mean you can’t play along too.

3. If you invited her to a surprise picnic, it’s not a surprise. It’s best to ambush her in the middle of the night with brie, crackers, and wine. And chloroform.*

*Dear God, don’t really do that. But have an edible arrangement sent to her work. That’s a surprise you can EAT!

!!!DEALBREAKER ADVICE CORNER: LIGHTNING ROUND!!!

1. Polyamory is scary to people who don’t understand it, and amazing to people who participate in it. I might not “get” it, but those who are active in the community of polyamory definitely seem like they’re having fun.

2. Live it up bro! There’s nothing like some regretful tears after the most intimate act you have with someone. However, if for some reason you don’t like seeing the person you shared your life with break down in constant, uncontrollable sobbing, you might want to cut that shit out.

3. He’s a baby. Call him on the phone! LITERALLY call his bluff. Nothing scrambles a noncommittal person’s brain in the age of texting quite like a PHONE CALL!

4. Lots of eye contact, an arm touch or lingering hug, and of course, boners.

5. You don’t want to hurt his feelings? Well… stop fucking him and buy him a sandwich.

ASK DEALBREAKER

!!Advice Lightning Round!! (part 2 of 2)

1. People need time. 6 months seems like a ridiculous amount of time, but she’ll get over it when she’s good and ready. Unfortunately you can’t rush these things. That, or hire a male prostitute to clean out them pipes, wink wink.

2. Really? You peaked? If a full head of hair and a girlfriend is the top of the mountain for you, then maybe you DID. LISTEN TO YOURSELF! Life gets so much better! Make things, meet people, take chances, get a job, get a dog, travel! Do things! That’s what’s next, man. Life! It’s 2011! Do some weird stuff. There will be rewards.

3. Send him Polaroids of your vagina/Order him a real doll that looks and feels exactly like you/Tell him you love him and visit him as much as you can. The real and fake answers will both work. Also, Skype Sex. Learn to love it.

4. “Hey, I could go for a filibuster, and I heard you’ve got a body that could use some governing.”

ASK DEALBREAKER

!!Advice Lightning Round!!

1. Please don’t think we’re discounting your feelings because of your age, but college is a time to figure your shit out, find out what you like, and make out with a bunch of people. Trust me. As great as your relationship probably is to you right now, it’s not half as good as going to a party in your pajamas and hooking up with someone under a beer pong table. If that sounds crass, try it when you get there. If you disagree, email us for a written apology. You’re young. You’ll love again. Also he’s got a girlfriend! Don’t pine away for him while he’s banging someone else at school, no matter what he says.

2. Your locker’s too far away from mine/We never have lunch together/Your dad never lets you have the car/Your braces are full of beef jerky/Your curfew sucks/You got a boner in gym class.

3. Let us tell her right now: HEY DEBBIE! YOU’RE A WORLD CLASS, BONAFIDE, MOTHER HUMPIN’,GRADE-A, NON STOP MONSTER BITCH, AND YOU NEED TO CHECK THAT SHIT AT THE DOOR! YOU’RE RUINING MY FACEBOOK PHOTOS WITH YOUR FROWNY SNARL, YOU GODDAMN SHE BEAST!

4. Own that shit. Look around. Nerds are fucking hot. You know how many hipster chicks wear non prescription black rimmed glasses now? A LOT. Now go put some more buttons on your messenger bag and get some.

ASK DEALBREAKER