Posts tagged Brains

 You Use Dating As Therapy
So, when you asked me out, I was pretty excited because you’re super cute, really nice and I don’t have to explain the meaning of every word I use that’s over three syllables. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until we were mid-dinner that I apparently opened Pandora’s box upon asking about your childhood. I’m sure it was difficult being the youngest of several children, and yes, I too grew up oppressed by the religious beliefs of my uber Catholic parents, but most people have the sense not to bring dark shit like that up on the first date. What’s that? You think your first sexual encounter might actually qualify as rape? Jesus H. Cheeseburgers, who let you out of the sanitarium? I feel like I should be charging you $175 an hour and writing affirmations for you to say. Did you seriously just ask me why I’m being weird? I’m being “weird” because even though I’m also a card-carrying member of generation TMI, you’ve managed to make me feel uncomfortable by sharing every single issue you’re currently working through. Are you crying? Ugh, wow, okay, this is awkward. I just thought I was opening the lines of communication, not a can of worms. I’m done with dinner, and I’m definitely done with you. 
-Written by Marcos 

 You Use Dating As Therapy

So, when you asked me out, I was pretty excited because you’re super cute, really nice and I don’t have to explain the meaning of every word I use that’s over three syllables. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until we were mid-dinner that I apparently opened Pandora’s box upon asking about your childhood. I’m sure it was difficult being the youngest of several children, and yes, I too grew up oppressed by the religious beliefs of my uber Catholic parents, but most people have the sense not to bring dark shit like that up on the first date. What’s that? You think your first sexual encounter might actually qualify as rape? Jesus H. Cheeseburgers, who let you out of the sanitarium? I feel like I should be charging you $175 an hour and writing affirmations for you to say. Did you seriously just ask me why I’m being weird? I’m being “weird” because even though I’m also a card-carrying member of generation TMI, you’ve managed to make me feel uncomfortable by sharing every single issue you’re currently working through. Are you crying? Ugh, wow, okay, this is awkward. I just thought I was opening the lines of communication, not a can of worms. I’m done with dinner, and I’m definitely done with you. 

-Written by Marcos 


GUESTREBUTTAL: I’M a Grammar Nazi
Listen, I get that you’ve got other things going on besides our AIM conversation, but that’s no excuse for using “they’re”, “their”, or “there” incorrectly. If you’re an English major you should have them ingrained in your mind to the point where fucking them up is impossible. Otherwise, you need to find yourself a new major. Maybe one where you don’t have to write. Besides, it makes you sound like a 14 year old kid who hasn’t passed their elementary grammar test. Next thing I know you’ll be spelling “you’re” using only a U and an R.I’ll stop being picky about your grammar when you stop knowingly typing like an idiot.A Guest Rebuttal to THIS Dealbreaker, written by Jackie.

GUESTREBUTTAL: I’M a Grammar Nazi

Listen, I get that you’ve got other things going on besides our AIM conversation, but that’s no excuse for using “they’re”, “their”, or “there” incorrectly. If you’re an English major you should have them ingrained in your mind to the point where fucking them up is impossible. Otherwise, you need to find yourself a new major. Maybe one where you don’t have to write. Besides, it makes you sound like a 14 year old kid who hasn’t passed their elementary grammar test. Next thing I know you’ll be spelling “you’re” using only a U and an R.

I’ll stop being picky about your grammar when you stop knowingly typing like an idiot.

A Guest Rebuttal to THIS Dealbreaker, written by Jackie.


GUESTBREAKER: You Are A Grammar NaziListen, I get it. You like to be a stickler. You’re a little high strung. That’s okay, really, I don’t mind high strung as much as I should. But just because you are a little high strung does not mean you get to correct my grammar for me every time I type “there” instead of “they’re” or “their” during an AIM conversation. Okay, I know how to read and write. For Chrissakes I’m an English major. I understand the difference. But this isn’t fucking Tolstoy, it’s an AIM conversation, and not a particularly bright one at that; there’s a pretty good chance its about how much weed we need to buy for the weekend. I’m not necessarily paying that close of attention while on AIM, usually I’m doing homework or looking for porn, and I don’t really have the brainpower to fix every wrongly conjugated pronoun typo i make while typing quickly. So their you go.A Guest Dealbreaker by Jon.

GUESTBREAKER: You Are A Grammar Nazi

Listen, I get it. You like to be a stickler. You’re a little high strung. That’s okay, really, I don’t mind high strung as much as I should. But just because you are a little high strung does not mean you get to correct my grammar for me every time I type “there” instead of “they’re” or “their” during an AIM conversation. Okay, I know how to read and write. For Chrissakes I’m an English major. I understand the difference. But this isn’t fucking Tolstoy, it’s an AIM conversation, and not a particularly bright one at that; there’s a pretty good chance its about how much weed we need to buy for the weekend. I’m not necessarily paying that close of attention while on AIM, usually I’m doing homework or looking for porn, and I don’t really have the brainpower to fix every wrongly conjugated pronoun typo i make while typing quickly. So their you go.

A Guest Dealbreaker by Jon.



GUESTBREAKER: You Made Me Feel Stupid I’d always thought I was a reasonably intelligent human being until I met you. No, I haven’t read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and no, I don’t understand the diagram you made to “dumb it down” for us all. Yeah, it would be nice having a boyfriend I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation  with, but not when you completely put down my opinions and back it up with the intensity of a debate team champion. What? You’re just playing devil’s advocate? I’ve got to learn to thoroughly research my opinions?  Fuck you, I don’t care if your philosophy teacher thinks you’re a genius, and playing devil’s advocate every time I open my mouth doesn’t make you clever, it makes you an asshole. But I stayed, thinking I’d probably beat him in the bedroom department, because there’s no way he can argue with my skill there. Then you preceded to DIRECT me through a blowjob, not even giving me a chance to possibly surprise you. If I wanted an education I would have gone to school, not on a date. You can take your Master’s degree and shove it up your pretentious ass.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Niki.

GUESTBREAKER: You Made Me Feel Stupid

I’d always thought I was a reasonably intelligent human being until I met you. No, I haven’t read Plato’s Allegory of the Cave and no, I don’t understand the diagram you made to “dumb it down” for us all. Yeah, it would be nice having a boyfriend I can actually carry on an intelligent conversation  with, but not when you completely put down my opinions and back it up with the intensity of a debate team champion. What? You’re just playing devil’s advocate? I’ve got to learn to thoroughly research my opinions?  Fuck you, I don’t care if your philosophy teacher thinks you’re a genius, and playing devil’s advocate every time I open my mouth doesn’t make you clever, it makes you an asshole. But I stayed, thinking I’d probably beat him in the bedroom department, because there’s no way he can argue with my skill there. Then you preceded to DIRECT me through a blowjob, not even giving me a chance to possibly surprise you. If I wanted an education I would have gone to school, not on a date. You can take your Master’s degree and shove it up your pretentious ass.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Niki.


GUESTBREAKER: Your Misuse of Quotation MarksYou sent me an email that said you had “good news”. Just like that, “good news”. What does that even mean? Doesn’t that imply you’re being sarcastic? Is it not actually good or not actually news? Are you quoting someone? You’re “stupid”.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Karen.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Misuse of Quotation Marks

You sent me an email that said you had “good news”. Just like that, “good news”. What does that even mean? Doesn’t that imply you’re being sarcastic? Is it not actually good or not actually news? Are you quoting someone? You’re “stupid”.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Karen.


We met a week ago and had a great conversation. You could not get that joke I made about your hair out of your head. OK, you can buy me a drink or five. Gulp, gulp, gulp. You’re going to be honest and lay all your cards out. You think I’m gorgeous and funny and you really want to kiss me. Sure, just one question: What’s my name? Long pause. That’s what I thought. You can’t remember my name but I’m suppose to let you tongue me down and feel me up. Deal = broken.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Aimee Jennings.


they’re / their / there

your / you’re

its / it’s

for example:

You’re not getting a BJ.  It’s over.  There is the door.  




Learning this information about you guarantees we will not procreate.  How’s that for evidence of natural selection?


Wow, you’re beautiful. I could look at you all day, just please stop talking. Everything you say is a tiny dagger into the heart of my attraction for you. Don’t ask me what state New York City is in unless you’re kidding. Don’t tell the lady at the Burrito stand that you don’t speak “Mexican,” it’s innaccurate AND racist. Don’t walk out of Borat because the mean man was being rude to all those people. Do you even..oh my god. How do you not know what BLT stands for? Are you an alien? Stop it. No, I’m not going to explain how John Mayer got inside of your Ipod Shuffle. That was it. That was the last straw. Enjoy your successful modeling career.



We had a good first date; you seemed cute, you picked the bar to meet for the drink, you were on time, you had the right amount of stubble… all the things that get me going.

But it was the next day when the emails and the texts started.  “How are you? I’m great! Let’s hang out again soon! ” and  “So nice to you see you!!!”.  Really, dude?

Nice to meet you, but you’re this excited now before we even got naked? Well, I’m sorry, but my tolerance for your enthusiasm is already at it’s max. Goodbye!

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Christina Haberkern!!!!!!!!!!!!!