Posts tagged Appearance

Your Silly Bandz
I suppose I could overlook one “Silly Bandz”, but your arm is filled with them. What are you six? Did you buy those? I mean, you had to have purchased those because there cannot be that many adults spending $2.99 for plastic misshaped bracelets. If a child had given them to you, that might be cute, but… Wait, wait, you’re buying these and filling your arms with them to pass out to other adults? Would I like one, two? It’s shaped like Sponge Bob? Cool? I don’t know what that means? No, I don’t want to date a child. Sorry, you can keep being all silly with those sweet bandz, I hope you find a pedophile who is into that shit.
Written by Trainwreck.

Your Silly Bandz

I suppose I could overlook one “Silly Bandz”, but your arm is filled with them. What are you six? Did you buy those? I mean, you had to have purchased those because there cannot be that many adults spending $2.99 for plastic misshaped bracelets. If a child had given them to you, that might be cute, but… Wait, wait, you’re buying these and filling your arms with them to pass out to other adults? Would I like one, two? It’s shaped like Sponge Bob? Cool? I don’t know what that means? No, I don’t want to date a child. Sorry, you can keep being all silly with those sweet bandz, I hope you find a pedophile who is into that shit.

Written by Trainwreck.


GUESTBREAKER: You’ve (Recently) Been Photographed Wearing JortsAlright, so this picture was taken a while ago. Wait, what? That says 2008. We may have come a long way since 2008, especially in terms of Apple products, but not far enough to excuse you wearing jean shorts. I was excited that you liked the same music that I do and that you were ballsy enough to contact me through a mutual friend. So I admit it: IFacebook stalked you. A bit. Not excessively, of course, because I stopped when I hit jean shorts. So unless you have an excuse of some sort or you turn out to be virtually perfect in many other ways, I’m gonna have to say “no, I don’t want to listen to your cover band, I have to wash my hair that night.”
An Anonymous Guest Dealbreaker.

GUESTBREAKER: You’ve (Recently) Been Photographed Wearing Jorts

Alright, so this picture was taken a while ago. Wait, what? That says 2008. We may have come a long way since 2008, especially in terms of Apple products, but not far enough to excuse you wearing jean shorts. I was excited that you liked the same music that I do and that you were ballsy enough to contact me through a mutual friend. So I admit it: I
Facebook stalked you. A bit. Not excessively, of course, because I stopped when I hit jean shorts. So unless you have an excuse of some sort or you turn out to be virtually perfect in many other ways, I’m gonna have to say “no, I don’t want to listen to your cover band, I have to wash my hair that night.”

An Anonymous Guest Dealbreaker.


GUESTBREAKER: You Tan
You tan? Really? Outside right? No? In a tanning bed… Well I guess there’s not much sun in Seattle. EMBRACE THE PALENESS. Wait, you just said you tan to look “God like”? Um ok… somebody has a complex. Oh its normal to go tanning? No, I don’t think so. Thats just wrong. Weird women with image issues who aren’t okay with their natural skin tone go tanning. Guidos tan. Gay men tan. Nobody should tan. Ever. Its bad. Cancer. Pre-mature aging. It makes you look like a carrot. And well when you tan… you get tan. Pale > Tan. Seriously. Pale is good. Pale is beautiful. You have blonde hair and blue eyes, you aren’t supposed to be tan. You’re supposed to have that beautiful pale white boy complexion. Don’t go ruin it in a tanning bed. No. Just no.So now when you want me to take your shirt off and stroke your abs, your skin won’t be milky and smooth looking anymore. Its gonna be orange and dirty looking. And no, thats not gold. Its fucking orange. Forget it. I am not taking your shirt off. Stay out of the tanning bed or I am not getting in your bed.A Guest Dealbreaker written by Kerri.

GUESTBREAKER: You Tan

You tan? Really? Outside right? No? In a tanning bed… Well I guess there’s not much sun in Seattle. EMBRACE THE PALENESS. Wait, you just said you tan to look “God like”? Um ok… somebody has a complex. Oh its normal to go tanning? No, I don’t think so. Thats just wrong. Weird women with image issues who aren’t okay with their natural skin tone go tanning. Guidos tan. Gay men tan. Nobody should tan. Ever. Its bad. Cancer. Pre-mature aging. It makes you look like a carrot. And well when you tan… you get tan. Pale > Tan. Seriously. Pale is good. Pale is beautiful. You have blonde hair and blue eyes, you aren’t supposed to be tan. You’re supposed to have that beautiful pale white boy complexion. Don’t go ruin it in a tanning bed.

No. Just no.

So now when you want me to take your shirt off and stroke your abs, your skin won’t be milky and smooth looking anymore. Its gonna be orange and dirty looking. And no, thats not gold. Its fucking orange. Forget it. I am not taking your shirt off. Stay out of the tanning bed or I am not getting in your bed.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Kerri.


GUESTBREAKER: You Got Vajazzled
We’ve been dating a few weeks now and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. One evening, after a terrible movie on the couch turns into a make out session we begin exploring each others nether regions.  At first it’s through a few layers of clothes and any oddities I detect are ignored in pursuit of the goods, however, as we get closer and closer to being fully naked together, more and more clues are pointing to something being very wrong in our awkward encounter.  I’m unable to focus on what you’re doing as my gaze keeps drifting between your legs in a search for a logical explanation for what I’m feeling. There’s no way this could be natural, right? Even at it’s stubble-iest it would never be this rough… And I’ve seen some pretty terrible underwear choices on girls I’ve been with before, but it really feels as if your bejeweled Hello Kitty thong is on inside out.We reach the moment of truth and as we slide your pants all the way down I witness a travesty so shocking I let out an audible gasp and recoil in horror; you’ve been vajazzled. What now sits glimmering in your pubic region is tacky ornamentation that shouldn’t be be worn by anyone over the age of twelve, and especially not your holiest of places. As I’m drawn completely out of the moment I realize the other warning signs that I ignored but come to the conclusion that even those couldn’t have prepared me for this.  I collect my clothes and make my quick exit and attempt to get a good look at your face in a futile attempt for that to be what I picture when I hear your name and not your bedazzled vajayjay.
 A Guest Dealbreaker written by Johnny and Katia.

GUESTBREAKER: You Got Vajazzled

We’ve been dating a few weeks now and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. One evening, after a terrible movie on the couch turns into a make out session we begin exploring each others nether regions.  At first it’s through a few layers of clothes and any oddities I detect are ignored in pursuit of the goods, however, as we get closer and closer to being fully naked together, more and more clues are pointing to something being very wrong in our awkward encounter.  I’m unable to focus on what you’re doing as my gaze keeps drifting between your legs in a search for a logical explanation for what I’m feeling. There’s no way this could be natural, right? Even at it’s stubble-iest it would never be this rough… And I’ve seen some pretty terrible underwear choices on girls I’ve been with before, but it really feels as if your bejeweled Hello Kitty thong is on inside out.

We reach the moment of truth and as we slide your pants all the way down I witness a travesty so shocking I let out an audible gasp and recoil in horror; you’ve been vajazzled. What now sits glimmering in your pubic region is tacky ornamentation that shouldn’t be be worn by anyone over the age of twelve, and especially not your holiest of places. As I’m drawn completely out of the moment I realize the other warning signs that I ignored but come to the conclusion that even those couldn’t have prepared me for this.  I collect my clothes and make my quick exit and attempt to get a good look at your face in a futile attempt for that to be what I picture when I hear your name and not your bedazzled vajayjay.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Johnny and Katia.


Your Obviously Fake Tits
There’s a catastrophe in cashmere city. Trouble’s a-brewin’ in tank top town. Havoc has been unleashed in Halter Top harbor. An atrocity- ugh, whatever. Your tits look retarded.

Your Obviously Fake Tits

There’s a catastrophe in cashmere city. Trouble’s a-brewin’ in tank top town. Havoc has been unleashed in Halter Top harbor. An atrocity- ugh, whatever. Your tits look retarded.


GUESTBREAKER: You Used to Have DreadlocksOk, I mean, don’t get me wrong, your hair looks great now. And I TOTALLY thought you were hot… until I saw those old pictures of you when you had dreadlocks. And now I just can’t bear it. I’ll be honest- I REALLY want to sleep with you. But I canNOT do it in good faith, knowing that you once had those dreadlocks. This new information does not just mean you were ONCE a douchebag for a brief MOMENT. It means that you devoted your entire LIFESTYLE to being a douchebag over a period of several YEARS! You didn’t buy the wrong t-shirt, you dedicated your whole head to an intentional and lengthy process which, in addition to ruining every photo from that time, forever destroyed your chances of being cool. And don’t even talk about the one where you’re playing hacky sack. Sure- you look great now! “No one ever has to know!”But lets be real- I could never marry you because in doing so, I would risk the potential of people somehow coming across old pictures of you with your dreadlocks. And finding out that deep down, the man I married is a douche bag. So… sorry. You’re really nice… ahh… Don’t touch me! You’re “Try-too-hard-to-be-sexy Un-sexy” now.
 A Guest Dealbreaker written by Elizabeth.

GUESTBREAKER: You Used to Have Dreadlocks

Ok, I mean, don’t get me wrong, your hair looks great now. And I TOTALLY thought you were hot… until I saw those old pictures of you when you had dreadlocks.

And now I just can’t bear it.

I’ll be honest- I REALLY want to sleep with you. But I canNOT do it in good faith, knowing that you once had those dreadlocks.

This new information does not just mean you were ONCE a douchebag for a brief MOMENT. It means that you devoted your entire LIFESTYLE to being a douchebag over a period of several YEARS! You didn’t buy the wrong t-shirt, you dedicated your whole head to an intentional and lengthy process which, in addition to ruining every photo from that time, forever destroyed your chances of being cool. And don’t even talk about the one where you’re playing hacky sack.

Sure- you look great now! “No one ever has to know!”

But lets be real- I could never marry you because in doing so, I would risk the potential of people somehow coming across old pictures of you with your dreadlocks. And finding out that deep down, the man I married is a douche bag.

So… sorry. You’re really nice… ahh… Don’t touch me! You’re “Try-too-hard-to-be-sexy Un-sexy” now.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Elizabeth.


GUESTBREAKER: Your Vanity Muscles
Yes, it’s true that when I first laid eyes on you, it was your broad shoulders and rather large arms that drove me to drunkenly wave at you.   It didn’t take long before I found out that your protein shakes give you intolerable gas and your post workout supplements cause impotence!   You’d think for all of the suffering your bulging muscles have caused me you could have picked me up in the shower to fuck, or maybe even thrown me over your shoulders. Christ, carrying my luggage every once in awhile would have been nice! After all, you can bench press twice my weight.   Alas no, you’re muscles are good for one thing and one thing only: luring unsuspecting woman into sexless, gassy relationships.   While you were at the gym I should have been out looking for a man capable of having an intelligent conversation.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Heather.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Vanity Muscles

Yes, it’s true that when I first laid eyes on you, it was your broad shoulders and rather large arms that drove me to drunkenly wave at you. It didn’t take long before I found out that your protein shakes give you intolerable gas and your post workout supplements cause impotence! You’d think for all of the suffering your bulging muscles have caused me you could have picked me up in the shower to fuck, or maybe even thrown me over your shoulders. Christ, carrying my luggage every once in awhile would have been nice! After all, you can bench press twice my weight. Alas no, you’re muscles are good for one thing and one thing only: luring unsuspecting woman into sexless, gassy relationships. While you were at the gym I should have been out looking for a man capable of having an intelligent conversation.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Heather.


GUESTBREAKER: Your Ironic Fashion Mullet
I’m sorry, but the irony is lost on me. Your clothes are okay, and you have a cute face. But what’s that? Why is your hair longer in the back. Oh. Ew. I don’t really want to sweetly caress your locks when we make out. It reminds me of Billy Ray Cyrus, if he liked Animal Collective.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Hannah.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Ironic Fashion Mullet

I’m sorry, but the irony is lost on me. Your clothes are okay, and you have a cute face. But what’s that? Why is your hair longer in the back. Oh. Ew. I don’t really want to sweetly caress your locks when we make out. It reminds me of Billy Ray Cyrus, if he liked Animal Collective.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Hannah.


GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Have A Condom
Alright, so you’ve got me back to your place and this is nice. I didn’t really expect to sleep with you but I feel it coming. We’re getting into it and you stop to get a condom. That’s cool- you’re safe. You turn around and tell me you don’t have any, not cool. You tear your room apart as I’m losing my desire to even have sex and you come back with no results, just a request. No, I’m not going to chance it and let you pull out because you’re “really good at it.” Either produce a condom or we don’t fuck, got it? What’s that? You want me to go get some? Well I don’t have any money… oh, $20 eh? You want the change back you say… Yeah, I’ll go get them. You sit right here… I’m going home, thanks for buying my late night pizza.
A Guest Dealbreaker written by Chelly.

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Have A Condom

Alright, so you’ve got me back to your place and this is nice. I didn’t really expect to sleep with you but I feel it coming. We’re getting into it and you stop to get a condom. That’s cool- you’re safe. You turn around and tell me you don’t have any, not cool. You tear your room apart as I’m losing my desire to even have sex and you come back with no results, just a request. No, I’m not going to chance it and let you pull out because you’re “really good at it.” Either produce a condom or we don’t fuck, got it? What’s that? You want me to go get some? Well I don’t have any money… oh, $20 eh? You want the change back you say… Yeah, I’ll go get them. You sit right here… I’m going home, thanks for buying my late night pizza.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Chelly.