DEALBREAKER.

GPOYW - Dave and Marisa pre-getting drunk, pre-briefly dating,...

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 17:17:47 -0500

GPOYW - Dave and Marisa pre-getting drunk, pre-briefly dating, and pre-DEALBREAKER.

GUESTBREAKER: You Didn’t Make Me A Sandwich I know I...

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 13:20:16 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Didn’t Make Me A Sandwich

I know I totally rocked your world babe, so when you asked me if you could return the favor, I thought I made myself pretty clear: “Yo, make me a sandwich.” And you laughed. You thought I was kidding. Baby, all I want are some delicious deli meats smothered in mustard between two slices of bread, and I want it served to me in bed, king style. Yeah, that’s right, king style. What? You think I’m being “weird” and “sexist”? That I should walk the ten-or-so feet to the kitchen and make my own damn sandwich? You asked me what I wanted. And babe, I told you. I want a sandwich—a delicious, life-sustaining, post-coital sandwich.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Taylor.

GUESTBREAKER: You Came On My Face Mmm. This is nice. I like you....

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 18:53:00 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Came On My Face

Mmm. This is nice. I like you. Yes…
WHAT THE FUCK!!
OH EW.
IT’S EVERYWHERE!
Seriously? Yeah, I don’t care how sorry you are. If I wanted my hair to get a protein wrap, I would have bought some Garnier Fructis- and some dignity for you while I was at the store.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Hannah.

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Have Sheets On Your BedNo, I am not...

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:30:00 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Have Sheets On Your Bed

No, I am not going to have sex with you on a bare mattress because I am not a crack whore and this is not a shack with busted-out windows. You are an adult and this is actually a semi-decent apartment.

Where were you raised? I’m sure you had sheets on your bed as a child. Yet, somehow you lost the need for them along the way. Perhaps you started doing your own laundry in college, and decided it was too much work to wash your sheets and then return them to your mattress. Perhaps they were stolen from the laundry mat, or you made them into togas for parties and they never made it back home. In any case, where are they now?

I’ll tell you where they aren’t: covering your extra-long twin mattress, which is stained with bong water, and what I’m praying is barbeque sauce. It would appear that your mother didn’t raise you right, and I’m sure she would not appreciate knowing that that is the message you’re sending out to your lady visitors.

What’s that? You have something for the bed? Oh… oh no. That is a nylon sleeping bag from your boy scout days, and that is a damp bath towel. Those are not sheets, and they are really not a suitable substitute. Go to Target and buy some sheets. They’re like $20.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Lucy.

GUESTBREAKER: Everything About You Look, I need you to sit down...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 14:36:05 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: Everything About You

Look, I need you to sit down for like 5 minutes. Probably less if your attention span allows me this small amount of time. Now, as you’ve probably been wondering, yes, I am tired of dealing with this…all of this. You are…well…You. I need you to be someone else for a change. Those clothes you wear are just too much of you. And, your taste in music is just so you that I just can’t take it anymore. I mean, maybe if you could pretend to be some indie kid or maybe even a hippie for a day, that’d be great. I could bash on you then but have some seriously hot make up sex afterwards. However, you won’t stop being you. It’s always been you. It’s time to be me…I’m sorry…no…You can’t say sorry. Did you not just listen to anything I said? Seriously, just shut up…I’m leaving. Fuck You.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Karson.

GUESTBREAKER: You Think You’re A (White) Rapper Sure,...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 14:02:48 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Think You’re A (White) Rapper

Sure, okay, you’re kind of cute. & you make a lot of money, & you bought me a beer that one time. I even almost forgave you when you asked if I wanted to come over to your “crib.” But you really took it a step too far when you said it would be “dope” & that we could watch a “joint.” I was expecting a fat blunt & a good time. Instead, I’m stuck here watching a movie & it’s not even by Spike Lee. What do you think this is, a hip hop album circa 1994? consider shaving off your soul patch & I’ll consider checking out your dope joint.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Jess.

GUESTBREAKER: You’re a Picky EaterSo what do you feel like...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:31:11 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You’re a Picky Eater

So what do you feel like having for dinner? Want to try that new Indian place? You don’t like Indian food? Not even Tandoori chicken or naan? What about pho? A bento box? Chicken chow mein? You’re not really into “ethnic” food?!

Listen buddy, if I have to hear you order a plain cheeseburger and tell the waitress to be sure and hold the ketchup one more time I’m going to scream. For the last time, they don’t have noodles with butter at the Osteria and I’m sick to hell of making you cheese quesadillas on the stove top. You have the diet of 12-year-old latch-key kid. Your arteries are probably so coated with kraft singles and oreo cookies that you wouldn’t be able to walk up to that taco stand even if you were willing to try the al pastor. There’s more to life than goddamned Easy Mac and canned Chicken and Stars soup. Why not at least have some carrots and celery with that ranch dressing? No? You don’t like vegetables either? Well, I hope you and your chicken fingers will be very happy together.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Jen.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Ex Is “Totally Jealous of...

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:13:00 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: Your Ex Is “Totally Jealous of Me”

Yeah! I’m really happy we could do this, too! I love this place. Wait, what’s that? Your ex is totally pissed that you’re taking me here? Oh that’s awesome, because I was definitely in the market for someone who is still regularly contacting his ex.

NO, really! I hadn’t told you this, but if you didn’t bring her up right now on the second date I was just gonna dump you. That’s totally cool. Did you like, call her to tell her about it, or did she snoop around and find out via word of mouth?

Ohh she snooped. That’s so cool. Wow. I can definitely see us going places.
Yeah, no, I’m not deleting your number. Just texting my friend to let her know what a catch you are.

A Not-At-All Sarcastic Guest Dealbreaker written by Christine Friar.

DEALMAKER: You’re a Nice Jewish Guy DEALBREAKER’s...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 15:14:37 -0500

DEALMAKER: You’re a Nice Jewish Guy

DEALBREAKER’s own DAVE HORWITZ is featured as Mr. November in the 2010 Nice Jewish Guys Calendar! What a lovely holiday gift for Jews and Gentiles alike.

GUESTBREAKER: Your O-Face JESUS CHRIST!?! Are you OK? Either you...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 14:53:32 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: Your O-Face

JESUS CHRIST!?! Are you OK? Either you slip this brown bag over your head so I can finish without you grimacing at me like I’m a kidney stone you’re trying to pass or—you know what? Never mind—There is no way I’m going to enjoy this while you’re glaring at me like a serial rapist with brain freeze.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by T. Elise

GUESTBREAKER: You’re a JuggaloI gave you a chance even...

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 14:00:00 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You’re a Juggalo

I gave you a chance even though I knew I deserved better. You weren’t that attractive, lied about having a job, and yelled at me when I couldn’t find the time in my busy schedule to listen to the mix CD you made me. But you hugged me that night and, wait, what’s this? A huge Hatchetman necklace? Ohhh. You’re a Juggalo. Huh. I guess I didn’t realize because, you know, you’ve never worn the makeup that screams “I’m an asshole” to anyone within a mile radius.

Uh, I’m sorry but… this isn’t working out for me. It’s not you, it’s— well, fuck it. Okay, it IS you. Next time a guy makes me a mix CD, I’ll make sure to listen to it, just to weed out the Juggalos.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Angie.

You Are Bella From Twilight So, we can’t date because...

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:59:00 -0500

You Are Bella From Twilight

So, we can’t date because you’re sort of seeing someone? Okay, well maybe we could sort of see each other too? Oh, you’re really into him. That’s cool. If it doesn’t work out, I’d love to- no, I wasn’t implying that you’d break up, I just mean sometimes relationships end. What? Promised to him for eternity? You think you’re going to be together for eternity? Dude, you’re what, like 18? Chances are, you’re going to break up when you go to college. College is basically a reset button for your whole life, and a guarantee that you’re going to be boning a bunch of dudes on some very creaky twin mattresses surrounded by Fight Club posters and weed leaf tapestries. Good luck explaining that to the love of your life via confessional late night Skype session.

Just forget it. Have fun with your sparkly boyfriend. I respect your weird obsession. The way you’re talking about him, the sex must be unbelievable, so I can’t argue with- WHAT. NO SEX? And you barely even kiss each other? And if you have sex, you think it’s going to kill you? What do you do then? STARE AT EACH OTHER IN THE WOODS? You stare longingly at each other while he rattles off lines that sound like they were paraphrased from the Romeo and Juliet Cliff Notes? Yeah, this has staying power written all over it. All I’m saying is, you’re cute, but you don’t know anything about love right now. If you think you’re going to feel this weird stammering, bottom lip biting puppy love thing in 5 years, then you’re living in a fantasy. An elaborately plotted, insufferably boring fantasy sprawling across books and movies, constructed by a very wealthy mormon cat lady. Have a nice life, just don’t call me when you get sick of close range, smoldering eye contact and a lifetime of lady blue-balls.

GUESTBREAKER: You Have A Small PenisI like you. We’ve had...

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:21:50 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Have A Small Penis

I like you. We’ve had fun every time we’ve hung out. You’re a great kisser. But that just isn’t gonna get the job done for me. You should put your pants back on now. Let’s just be friends.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by HTW

GUESTBREAKER: Your Misuse of Quotation MarksYou sent me an email...

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:16:35 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: Your Misuse of Quotation Marks

You sent me an email that said you had “good news”. Just like that, “good news”. What does that even mean? Doesn’t that imply you’re being sarcastic? Is it not actually good or not actually news? Are you quoting someone? You’re “stupid”.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Karen.

frenchelon: DEALBREAKER: You’ve Been In A Sarah Palin Video On...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:06:02 -0500

frenchelon:

DEALBREAKER: You’ve Been In A Sarah Palin Video On YouTube, Saying Stupid Shit

Okay, we probably don’t agree on anything politically, because I’m a progressive French Canadian, and you downloaded “Press One For English” off of iTunes. Look, I get wanting to have a positive female role model, but you’re waiting outside in the freezing cold for the anti-Susan B. Anthony. You’ll probably catch H1N1 and pass it on to the 45 million Americans without health insurance and they’ll all die because you think a basic human right is socialism, even though you can’t even define “socialism” when an unemployed journalist asks you to for his YouTube video.

Note judicious use of mute button.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Gross Feet Look, I get it, I take care of my...

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:54:13 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: Your Gross Feet

Look, I get it, I take care of my feet a little bit more than the average person. But I happen to think that a woman should have nicely manicured feet. If I was a dude, I probably wouldn’t obsess over my feet as much, but your feet look like you walked to Mordor and back on your lunch break. You have hang nails on top of hang nails and your heels have more cracks than a sidewalk. It’s called moisturizer! Just put some lotion on your feet, it’ll soften them and take that funky smell away. And don’t get me started on the length of those talons. You could seriously hurt someone with those. I’m not going to share a bed with someone whose toenails might stab me in the femoral artery in the middle of the night. That is not the way I want to die.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Gaby.

DEALBREAKER: You don't eat.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:24:06 -0500

callmebez:

You keep telling me how you used to be fat, and that you lost weight by only consuming coffee and cigarettes. I’m pretty used to eating as much food as a guy, but this is just depressing. You order a burger and take ONE BITE while I go to town on a pasta dish and two appetizers. This might have to end now. Also you smell like an ashtray-latté.

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Like Watching Degrassi Hey you!...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:15:02 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Like Watching Degrassi

Hey you! Come sit down, I was just about to see what’s on TV. Oh look! Degrassi’s on! Oh my god, it’s a marathon. Awesome. Wait, why are you getting up? Where are you going? What do you mean you don’t like Degrassi?! Do you also dislike free samples and Mexican beer?! Yeah, I get that we were both in high school a long time ago. So what? Well, of course the writing and acting are awful! I don’t think you get it. It would be really hard to laugh at how ridiculous the plots and characters are if I actually identified with them. Look, instead of arguing with me, why don’t you just leave? The episode where Spinner gets shot is on and I want to watch it in peace.

A stone cold serious Guest Dealbreaker written by Erika.

GUESTBREAKER: You Refer To Yourself In The Third Person When I...

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:04:06 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Refer To Yourself In The Third Person

When I first met you I thought your cocky attitude was just an outward portrayal of your inner confidence, which in my foolish youth I took to be a turn on. However, your cockiness was in fact a portrayal of your grotesque sense of self worth that became apparent when you referred to yourself in the third person. This wasn’t just a typical Bob Dole-esque third person reference, but you prefaced your name with “the.” What do you mean “The Dave” is hungry? Who is “The Dave?” You became angry when I didn’t know the answer, because apparently everybody refers to you as “The Dave” and it is only natural that you would call yourself such.

You attempted to defend your vain childlike behavior by saying that you only call yourself that because that’s what others call you. I’m 99% sure that’s a lie, because I hung out with your friends and they never called you that. It’s clearly something that you want others to call you, which brings up a lot of issues far greater than the humiliation of dating someone who refers to himself in the third person.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Lisa

GUESTBREAKER: You Share Custody of your Dog with your...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:37:00 -0500

GUESTBREAKER: You Share Custody of your Dog with your Ex-Girlfriend

We had gone on a few dates and things were going quite well. When I agreed to come over for dinner, knowing full well that we’d probably be naked by the time you were done cooking as nothing turns me on more than a guy who knows his way around the kitchen, I was super excited about finally meeting that dog you keep talking about. But he didn’t greet me at the door. Nor did he come running out of the bedroom when I whistled for him. When I asked where he was, you nonchalantly explained that your ex girlfriend, with whom you bought the dog with all those years back, had “custody” of him that week.

Hold up. You guys split up six months ago. I’m all for dudes remaining friendly with their exes, but you know this is a dog right? not a kid? You know that nothing says “I can’t let go and I’m totally not over her and I’ll probably call you by her name on accident during sex and you’ll never live up to her memory” than you sharing custody of a dog with her, right? There are a ton of needy dogs at the local animal shelter that don’t come with the baggage of the memory of a girl who dumped you, just waiting to have your full attention. Until then, your penis will have no visitation rights with my vagina.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by the lovely Georgia Hardstark.