DEALBREAKER.

theidiotking: I hope the tackiness of me posting this is offset...

Thu, 02 May 2013 21:19:09 -0400

I hope the tackiness of me posting this is offset by the goofiness of how awful this squatting, blurry Sarah Chalke screen grab is. And if it’s not, hey whatever! It’s my first onscreen written by credit! I’m taking a free pass on this one. Thank you in advance!

If you missed it, you can watch our episode of How To Live With Your Parents for the Rest of Your Life Here!!! xo

On January 15, 2009, I started a blog with my friend Dave about all the reasons not to date someone....

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 15:11:00 -0400

On January 15, 2009, I started a blog with my friend Dave about all the reasons not to date someone. On September 28, 2010, Dealbreaker: The Definitive List of Dating Offenses was released. On March 30, 2013, I got married.

Now, for our readers, with whom I have so carefully curated an anti-love arsenal, I owe you a story. A happy ending. And perhaps some perspective on the whole dating thing. It’s bleak, I know. I was single for like four years (and cheated on for two years prior) before meeting my husband. I had every reason to be cynical, as I’m sure you do. It’s rough out there, it’s really fucking rough. Dealbreakers feel empowering. Instead of worrying about why you might not choose to date me, I’m going to not choose you first. And I had a list long enough to fill a blog and a book about why I wouldn’t want to be with you.

I met my husband in March of 2009. He wore (and still wears) athletic sneakers with jeans. His headboard was (and still is) a mirrored panther that he found on the street. He was (and still is) a very skilled rollerblader. On paper, or more ironically, the paper that filled the book I wrote about people I don’t want to date, he was all wrong. He had a beach towel of three thong’d butts hanging over his couch for christ’s sake! It’s like something out of a bad sitcom (or a very good sitcom that Dave and I wrote). But for some reason, and nobody was surprised more than me, I didn’t care. And then I started to realize some dealbreakers about myself.

I ate chocolate chips for dinner and didn’t do my taxes. My power would get shut off because I hated to check my mail and never paid the bills. I love the Real Housewives franchise and I’ve thrown dishes away instead of washing them. More than once. These aren’t great qualities in a potential wife, and I’m not petite enough to play the manic pixie dream girl card. It dawned one me: I was undateable and I didn’t even know it. And I didn’t know it because neither of us cared. We enjoyed each others flaws, and we liked that we made each other better.

So I scrubbed his dirty bathtub and he took my car in for it’s first oil change in years. I got him a new couch and he made me eat vegetables. He listed the headboard on craigslist (“PRICE 250 FIRM”), and it’s still in our bedroom. I still watch Real Housewives; he watches them with me.

I didn’t do anything special to find my happy ending, and a lot of it probably has to do with luck. But if you’re single and don’t want to be, I know it’s easy to get caught up on the superficial stuff. Don’t let those little things (like how he cuts his own hair and puts the hair in the toilet but then doesn’t want to flush it because he doesn’t want to waste water so it looks like a pube monster) distract you from someone’s character, or authenticity, or good heart, or sense of humor. We could probably have boiled down the whole blog to “Dealmaker: You’re Awesome.” That’s all that matters. Someone who is awesome, even with their flaws, who doesn’t pay too much attention to yours.

And if anyone is looking to buy a mirrored panther headboard, the price is $250 firm.

We finished the third and final draft of our new pilot, so...

Wed, 27 Mar 2013 21:17:00 -0400

We finished the third and final draft of our new pilot, so here’s a sample featuring a shout out to inspirational Tumblr gifs.
Love,
Dave and Marisa

theidiotking: Los Angeles! The Best Dog Ever Needs A...

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 14:51:50 -0500

theidiotking:

Los Angeles! The Best Dog Ever Needs A Home!

Recently, a friend of mine found this guy. He was dirty and had no tags and half a torn leash. He was wandering around a part of Highland Park where dogs are frequently dropped. She cleaned him up, took him to a vet, and found that he wasn’t chipped. He also wasn’t fixed. She put up found signs but no one called/wrote. After a few days he began to eat again and get his energy back and we all realized that he was the best dog ever. He’s by no means a puppy but he’s very small and has surprising/hilarious bursts of energy. He doesn’t have a name but he’s been going by Gregory, Michael Jordan (because his tongue is always hanging out a little), Donnie, Mr. Wiggles, Cheeseburger Jr, and most recently Grandpa. If you or anyone you know is looking for a dog, this guy needs a home and he’s the greatest.

Contact Chelseaotter@gmail.com if you’re interested, and even if you’re not, please share this so we can get him a home soon! Thank you!

LA! Spread the word! Get this goober a permanent residence!

theidiotking: Lady Sybil (named after Downtown Abby) is in need...

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 16:17:00 -0400

theidiotking:

Lady Sybil (named after Downtown Abby) is in need of a good home in Los Angeles!

It is very last minute as her foster mom can’t keep any longer. They are going to take her to a shelter this weekend. Whoever meets this lady-pup will fall immediately in love!!! She is so sweet and so lovable..She was found downtown stuck in a fence wagging her tail at people who walked by!

Here is some info on her:

Australian Shepard mix of some sort

She is between 8-9 months old. 33 pounds. She won’t get much bigger but will fill out a bit.

She has had her first round of shots and just got micro-chiped. She needs to be spayed but if someone wants to adopt her- this will be taken care of by me (Linnea).

She loves car rides, hikes, dog toys, loves other dogs. (She has never met a stranger!)She loves the beach and water.

When on walks, she walks right beside you and sits on command.

She is simply going to be a great dog/companion.

And even if you can’t take her, spread the word! Thanks!

Best contact: Linnea at linneattoney@gmail.com or
323-395-6815

We’re writing an episode of television!!!!!!

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 14:15:35 -0400

We’re writing an episode of television!!!!!!

theidiotking: Summer of What? - A Mix For Butts/Etc. I made...

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 02:39:51 -0400

theidiotking:

Summer of What? - A Mix For Butts/Etc.

I made this for a friend and decided I wanted to share it with other people, because I think it’s fun. Have some fun, huh?

1. Kimbra - Limbo / 2. Zeus - Kindergarden / 3. Heems - Mike Finito Raps Too / 4. Fleetwood Mac - I know I’m Not Wrong / 5. The Teeth - You’re My Lover Now / 6. The National - So Far Around The Bend / 7. Twin Sister - Kimi In a Rice Field / 8. Flash Bang Grenada - Bernie / 9. Tennis - Traveling / 10. French Kicks - Carried Away / 11. Grimes - Crystal Ball / 12. Prefuse 73 - The End Of Biters International / 13. Lakutis (ft. Kool AD) - I’m Better Than Everybody / 14. The Rapture - Roller Coaster / 15. The Strokes (ft. Regina Spektor) - Modern Girls and Old Fashioned Men / 16. The Luyas - Too Beautiful To Work / 17. 1,2,3 - Scared But Not That Scared / 18. John Cale - Ship of Fools / 19. Spectral Display - It Takes a Muscle To Fall In Love

Download!

Dave made you this mix! He must really like you guys.

We did some math to explain why it can be hard to remember...

Fri, 20 Jul 2012 15:17:54 -0400

We did some math to explain why it can be hard to remember specific details about the weird and/or terrible people you sleep with. Presenting: the equation for Boner Amnesia.

theidiotking: I’ll forgive the typo because !!!! We...

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 01:17:00 -0400

theidiotking:

I’ll forgive the typo because !!!!

We always thought Dave could use an extra O in his last name.

The Three Post-Breakup Phases

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:36:23 -0400

theidiotking:

I used to answer a lot of relationship questions over at my other blog, the in-hibernation DEALBREAKER. Looking back, I find it really funny that anyone ever trusted me with love advice, because it’s not really a topic I’m that well versed in. I’ve dated successfully, messily, carelessly, carefully, and casually, and up to this point, they all end the same way: by ending.

Someone just started following me, and I clicked on their name and saw they only had two pages of posts. It starts a few days ago, with an entry about being broken up with and not knowing what to do or how to feel, so I thought I’d offer up some unsolicited little nuggets. They might not even see this, but on the off chance they do, maybe it’ll let them know that they’re not alone in the war against the Sads.

Much like eating a peanut butter cup (*let’s be honest, this applies to all PB cups, not just Reeces. Can’t discount store brand, or the weird ones from the 99 Cent Store), there’s no wrong way to get over someone. BUT, there’s also no right way. I think the getting over someone process can be split into a few phases.

Phase One is what I like to call “No One’s Ever Felt This Pain Before,” where you walk around in a haze, unable to comprehend what had happened. You ponder the BIG questions: Is this real? WIll I ever feel better? And most importantly, why don’t my friends seem excited to talk to me about this again and again for hours at a time? You’ll mope, you’ll drink more, and if you’re anything like me, you’ll snap at one of your writing partners in the middle of a meeting, go into your room, and eat some of the mushrooms you’d bought weeks earlier with the intention of doing them with your ex. (NOTE: THIS IS NOT PART OF THE PROCESS!! SKIP THIS PART AT ALL COSTS! IT’S NOT FUN! THE COLORS WILL ALL LOOK SAD!). This phase, while excruciating to all parties involved, is important. You will look back at this phase and laugh at yourself. The night where you got high and sat under your desk, leaving an ill advised, sad voicemail. The days spent debating whether to burn all those photos or leave them in a box. The afternoons spent driving around with a box and some matches, looking for an empty lot that isn’t close to any trees. This will all be fodder for Phase Two.

Phase Two is “The Void.” You will look back at your hilariously self destructive and downright annoying behavior in Phase One and long for those days, because all there is now is nothingness. Questions here include “did I really lay under my desk for an hour?” “Do I really like the first Death Cab album that much?” “When did I lose/gain 15 pounds?” Phase Two is like a stunned silence. It’s an eerily calm period where you contemplate actually getting something done that doesn’t involve wallowing. You will Facebook your ex and think, “wait, why was I scouring this page? They’re not a calculating, cold, emotional torture machine! They’re not controlling my happiness telepathically! They’re just posting pictures of Tapas, like everyone else!” This realization won’t make you feel better or worse, but it will wash over you slowly. Pretty soon you’ll regret burning those photos, or if you’re like me, wiping them from your hard drive(s). All of this is bolstering you for Phase Three.

EDITORS NOTE: This is usually where my favorite sub-phase comes in. It’s too tricky to count on its own, but Phase 2.5, “The Hail Mary,” deserves mentioning. This comes into play when you’re sure you’re over the person, but you’re not 100%, and the more you think of it, the less sure you are. The percentage drops rapidly to the point where you’re ready to load your D cell batteries into your boombox and “In Your Eyes” this bitch, Lloyd Dobler style (If you’re too young to know what this means, just pretend I referenced a One Direction lyric or something). Here you are, filled with purpose, hope, and reckless manic energy. You’re gonna win them back! You’ve got a gameplan, now put it into action! Did it work? GOOD JOB!!!! Oh wait, it didn’t? Well, nice try. I hope those tickets to Italy are refundable. Carry on, then. Onto Phase Three.

Phase Three is called “Oh Shit, I’m Supposed To Try And Talk To Other People?” This is the end of the road. There are a million sub-phases like the one mentioned above, but this is the one that matters. You’ve come out of self imposed hibernation, you shaved your breakup beard/armpits (I don’t know, maybe that’s a thing? Sorry ladies), and you’re considering rejoining the world. That’s GREAT. Your coworker is attractive and wants to discuss “work” (*boning you) over drinks. Your neighbor is attractive and wants to discuss “your community garden” (*boning you) over drinks. The confident Trader Joe’s clerk is attractive and wants to discuss “boning you” (*their new juicer) over drinks. GO FOR IT. Try your hardest not to let the debris of your last relationship wash ashore on the sandy beaches of this budding new situation. And try not to let that sloppy sentence conjure up images of sand in your bathing suit areas.

Clearly, this is a simplification. Just remember that your pain, while real, is not special and unique. You’re sharing this, however privately, with almost every one in the entire world. Don’t be afraid. If I could leave you with my own personal motto: Everyone is an idiot and no one knows anything. And if that doesn’t level the playing field post-breakup, I don’t know what will.

Holy Shit! Where Did Dealbreaker Go? Hello friends! It’s...

Wed, 25 Apr 2012 14:30:00 -0400

Holy Shit! Where Did Dealbreaker Go?

Hello friends! It’s me, Dave. I’m the curly-haired one in that picture, although I just cut it all off a few weeks ago. How are you? Let me explain myself. I’m not just trying to waltz back into your life after months and months of radio silence. No, I’m here to let you know where we’ve been, what we’ve been doing, and where we’re going.

Still there? Have you run screaming from this post because it’s not about how gross it is when someone says “you’re weird” when you tell a joke on a date (seriously, that shit is unacceptable)? Listen, Dealbreaker has been in hibernation for a long time. Myself and Marisa, the blonde one in the photo (although her hair is brown again! That is an old picture!), decided that we should check in and let you all know what’s been going on. I logged into this account about a month ago and was amazed that people are still following this blog. Our numbers have actually doubled(!) since we wrote a book and stopped regularly updating this thing. That makes my cold heart grow three times it’s normal size, like the Grinch. But unlike the Grinch, I’m not a cartoon, so I should probably go to the hospital.

ANYWAY, hi! Here’s the deal: We love this blog. We love writing for it and we love all the submissions you guys have shared with us over the years. We even love(d) doling out advice on here, even though we were grossly under qualified for the job. I hope we didn’t ruin any relationships with our half-baked ideas and stern commands to “break up, you dumb idiot,” which is something I think I said about 12 times in videos and posts. But, as much as we love all of that, we’ve been incredibly busy with other projects. For one, we wrote a TV pilot! Seriously! Look, here’s a scene from it:

We’ve also been writing for the ABC comedy Don’t Trust The B- In Apartment 23, which airs Wednesdays at 9:30. Tonight’s episode has Kiernan Shipka, otherwise known as Sally Draper from Mad Men! It was an amazing experience working on the show, and we’re incredibly proud of it.

Right now we are working on a new TV script, and getting a few other projects ready as well. Marisa is still improvising with the UCB Harold team The Great War most Monday nights here in LA, and I’m still doing shows with my sketch group A Kiss From Daddy. You can check all of that good stuff out on UCB’s website.

We’ll be checking in over here from time to time, whether to share a new video we’ve been working on, a guest submission that’s too good not to post, or maybe even a new piece of writing for the site. For example, I just wrote a piece on my own blog called The Three Post-Breakup Phases that I’ll be re-posting here, because I think our readers might be interested in it.

So, my little cheeseburgers, thank you for coming back over and over for repeated glimpses into relationship hell. If you hate dating, you’re not alone, but if Marisa and I could offer up anything to from our 3+ years of Dealbreaking (holy crap!), it would be that hating is easy (and let’s be honest, funny), but at the end of the day, there’s nothing better than finding someone who doesn’t piss you off enough to want to throw them off a building constantly. Good luck in your search. Maybe some of these links will help:

The Dealbreaker Index: Our first several hundred entries.

DEALBREAKER Vimeo: All those videos of us staring into a webcam. And a few others!

Self Absorption At Discount Prices: Dave’s Blog. Like Dealbreaker, but more specific and with more pizza.

Commedesfuckdown: The official site of Stephen Meiers, the amazing photographer who took that picture of us!

Don’t Trust The B-: The Official Site of the ABC show we’ve been writing for.

@Dave_Horwitz: Dave’s Twitter. Yeah, he’s one of those jerks.

Love,

Dave (and Marisa)

theidiotking: I Made You A New/Old Mix - Sweet Teeth Last night...

Wed, 28 Sep 2011 17:09:36 -0400

theidiotking:

I Made You A New/Old Mix - Sweet Teeth

Last night I found a playlist on iTunes that I didn’t recognize, and saw that it had 17 songs I really loved. I didn’t REALLY remember making it, but as I was playing it I realized that all the songs had one unifying factor: female vocalists. Please enjoy it, along with this triumphant picture of me yelling at airplanes on the beach with my wonderful friend Eleanore, who was wearing a very important wig (Photo by Dan Kwan).

1. Land of Talk - Sixteen Asterisk // 2. Sharon Van Etten - Love More // 3. Headlights - We’re all Animals // 4. Georgie James - More Lights // 5. The Mynabirds - Let the Record Go // 6. Amy Miles - King of Girls // 7. Liz Phair - Fuck and Run // 8. That Dog - Never Say Never // 9. Thao w/The Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster // 10. Lake - Sing 99 90 // 11. Lykke Li - Little Bit // 12. The Blow - Fists Up // 13. Mates Of State - True Love Will Find You in the End (Daniel Johnston cover) // 14. The Happy Hollows - Tell Me // 15. Giant Drag - Everything’s Worse // 16. your friend, kimi - Heart of Glass (Blondie cover) // 17. Charlotte Gainsbourg - Voyage

Download

Dave made this for you!

theidiotking: WORLD PREMIERE! Two years in the making, a show...

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 14:57:30 -0400

theidiotking:

WORLD PREMIERE! Two years in the making, a show about two co-workers who hate each other, hate the coffee shop they work at, and hate the superpowers they’ve mysteriously developed.

Swift and French

Written by/Starring Erin Gibson & Dave Horwitz

with Marisa Pinson and Billy Merritt

Directed by Tyler Gilette / Special Effects by Chris VanArtsdalen

Pass it around if you like it, will ya?

Watch Dave make goo goo eyes at Marisa! Also he can fly in this!

SLACKLUST: 27 Is Not The Final Destination - DAVE HORWITZ

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 13:38:52 -0400

SLACKLUST: 27 Is Not The Final Destination - DAVE HORWITZ :

theidiotking:

I’m turning 28 on Friday, and I wrote a piece for Slacklust about how all I want for my birthday is not to die.

Happy Birthday, Dave! Hope you cheat death for another year!

You can’t get hard Things were great…we like all the same...

Mon, 27 Jun 2011 14:59:53 -0400

You can’t get hard

Things were great…we like all the same things…you speak Spanish…you’re a socialist… I’m half in love with you because of your political ideology, and you’re tall, which is a huge plus. So I work my charm, and finally get you to invite me over. We have a couple drinks, I begin to get a little drunk, and next thing you know, we’re making out. I’m sort of pulling all my best moves and when I ask you if I should get the condom, you say yes. Okay well thanks for wasting my condom, you chode. As you’re trying to squeeze your playdoh (LOL JK playdoh is stiffer) in, I realize that isn’t going to work because my vagina isn’t build to take in globs of skin. I ask if everything is okay, and you say it’s because you’ve been drinking, uh….okay… so you insist on keeping the foreplay going and I play along because I haven’t had sex in over 5 months. All of the sudden, your little soft self decides to slap my butt…several times…umm, okay…. Maybe I would forgive this if you could have actually gotten me off. All this messing around, and your little downstairs friend still doesn’t want to give me the time of day. I’m pissed and want to go to sleep, but for some reason, you still have hope in your broken penis. I wake up the next morning, and as I’m all dressed, you finally are ready. So I decide to give you another chance and waste my last condom. Things work out, and I get my mediocre fuck. As I lay down, I notice a guitar, and ask you what you like to play. You say, Guns ‘n Roses and Nirvana… yeah… I’m going to catch the next bus…

I’m offended that you still haven’t talked to me since, but then I remember that in my sexual frustration towards your malfunctioning dick that I called you a child molester for fucking a girl that is 10 years younger than you. Oops.

-Written by twogirlsonecup

theidiotking: Help find...

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 13:54:00 -0400

theidiotking:

Help find Clancy!

Friends/acquiantances/followers/strangers in LA (specifically the Los Feliz/Silverlake area), my friend’s dog got out late last night and went missing. He answers to Clancy and he’s a beagle mix. He’s not wearing his collar. If you see or hear anything, please contact me at DEHorwitz@gmail.com, and also reblog and spread the word so we can find Clancy. Thanks so much!

You Wet The Bed Ok, you’re seemingly a lot drunker than I...

Mon, 20 Jun 2011 13:29:23 -0400

You Wet The Bed

Ok, you’re seemingly a lot drunker than I am and you stink of cigarettes but yeah sure, I’ll make out with you for a while. Cool, you’re kissing my neck and nibbling my ear, oh wait YOU TONGUE IS IN MY EAR CANAL. MAKE IT STOP. Oh that’s handy, you passed out on the bed, crisis averted.

A few hours later I wake up next to you and my sheets are wet, that’s weird. My glass of water is empty so maybe one of us spilt it, I’ll allow it…wait a minute…the water is from around your crotch. That’s not water, that’s your urine. When I shake you awake to politely let you know that you wet my bed, no, soaked my bed. You shrug and say ‘it happens’. ‘It happens’ was acceptable 20 years ago but I am disgusted and have to sleep on this mattress every night. Wetting the bed is one thing but being so nonchalant about it is is quite another. I’m sorry but get out of bed and out of my life. No, I don’t even want to be friends with a bed wetter.

-Written by electracomplex

You’re Not Michelle Obama These last three weeks have been...

Wed, 08 Jun 2011 13:05:11 -0400

You’re Not Michelle Obama

These last three weeks have been fun. Really, they have! That little sushi place tucked away downtown nobody knows about? Great. Terrific soup menu. And even the Ikea date (wonder where you got that idea) was cute, in a twee-lookit-my-fixed-gear-and-nose-ring kind of way. But I think we should see other people. It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s Michelle.

I mean, have you seen the first lady? Those legs! Those arms! That very reasonable childhood obesity policy! What’s not to love? I mean, sure she’s taken now, but just because there’s a goalie who’s the leader of the free world doesn’t mean you can’t score, right? Right?

Ah, fuck it. Want to get sushi again?

-Written by BombsForBreakfast

theidiotking: GPOYW: The Inevitable Has Happened...

Wed, 27 Apr 2011 17:02:20 -0400

theidiotking:

GPOYW: The Inevitable Has Happened Edition.

Follow me?

Throw Dave a follow if you’re feeling generous. He’d do the same for/to you!

FRIENDBREAKER: Your Bird Nest Hair Oh, wow. New friend! Yes, I...

Mon, 18 Apr 2011 16:23:43 -0400

FRIENDBREAKER: Your Bird Nest Hair

Oh, wow. New friend! Yes, I thought you would make quite the amazing addition to my slew of friends. You’re funny and sarcastic, almost to a breaking point. I can never really seem to catch a breath around you because of your unfailing humor. You’re also the greatest shopping buddy anyone can have (major points for telling me that shirt DID look good on me to make me feel better, even though it was a particularly nasty shade of green). What’s that? Oh, ew. Somehow a feather got into your hair, let me just take that out for you. Say what? It’s clipped in? Why would a bird’s feather be clipped into -

Oh, it’s a trend? A really fashionable trend? All those cool celebrities are having it done in their hair? All the salons are stocking “feather extensions” in their stores? It looks like you got your secret roll-in-bird-feathers fetish on and forgot to take out the feathers so you wouldn’t get caught. Come again? I don’t understand fashion? I’m no longer cool? Excuse me for not understanding sticking feathers in your hair. I’ll try to pray that you don’t get some weird bird disease. In the meantime, I’ll take my uncool hair and look like a bird didn’t just attack it.

-Written By Taylor