Really? Not at all? How about a Margarita…no you’re right that does have alcohol in it. You just want to get to know each other by talking? Sure we can talk…uh huh…totally…you don’t say…nope fuck this shit. I was hoping to make out with you later and maybe even take off each other pants and that’s just not going to happen without alcohol. Dating is super awkward (I can’t even look you in the eye!) and you’re taking away the one thing guaranteed to help it go a little smoother. Drinking has been a social lubricant for thousands of years of human history. Jesus Christ fucking drank wine. But you are a “mature person” so I guess you know better. Whatever. No hard feelings. Maybe you should move to Utah, that might be more your speed.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Joel Church Cooper.