U SPEL LIEK YOUR RTARDED

The Internet was supposed to be the great equalizer, melting away region, class and all manner of social differences with the simple magic of the written word. How could anyone tell the difference as long as you were literate, right? Wrong. Why? Because you spell like you’re retarded.

Interesting profile you’ve come up with here. You graduated from a university, really? Because they teach the difference between “your” and “you’re” in — oh I don’t know —fourth grade? And you’re still clearly struggling, just as you incomprehensibly believe the words “are” and “our” are interchangeable. Have you ever read a book? Scratch that - have you ever read text written in the English language? Those words have nothing to do with each other, and provided you’re not in the back woods of Kentucky, neither are they pronounced the same way.

I can tell you’ve had a troubled relationship with the shift key. Why use it for proper names or at the beginnings of sentences when you can save it for Things You Arbitrarily Consider Important. Oh pardon me, I meant to say “Thing’s” since you’ve taught me that apostrophes are a critical element in pluralizing nouns. Its’ obvious.

Since I’ve already put in this much time, is it worth overlooking such grave offences to our innocent language so I might have sex with you, just once? Because there’s no way in Hell I could keep putting up with it after that. What you call my “pickiness,” and I instead refer to as “literacy” wouldn’t allow it. Is your retardation communicable; will I lie there in bed afterward, robbed of the knowledge that “effect” and “affect” are different words, or that the occasional use of commas helps make writing comprehensible to others?

It’s not worth the risk. So I hope there are no hard feelings, and let me say, in words you may find familiar: thenkz 4 al teh fun chatts your ah relly Spatial indevidule an gud luek in ur serch1!