You Are Almost Definitely a Zombie

Listen, sweetie, we need to talk. Or, um, moan eerily, in your case. It’s just that I feel like things have changed between us recently.

I feel like you don’t give me any space. I can’t go anywhere in the house without hearing your breathing right behind me (by the way, do you have a sinus infection or something? You sound pretty congested.) And every time I turn around you’re right there with your arms outstretched. It’s great that you’re so into physical affection, and don’t get me wrong, I love hugs. But honey, it just gets a little excessive that you expect one every time I see you. It comes across as needy, and I feel like you’re constantly asking me to reaffirm my love for you, which is very emotionally draining for me.

And even though we do spend all that time together, we just don’t communicate. When was the last time we had a real conversation? I feel like you don’t even listen to me anymore. Whenever I talk to you, your eyes are glazed over, glassy, and dull-looking, and you only respond in monosyllabic groans.

I’m not the only one who’s been a little put off. We can’t even go out with my friends anymore, because they think you’re “creepy”. And your dancing doesn’t help…I’m not saying I expect you to be some amazing dancer, but you just stagger around the floor, completely disregarding the beat, looking so stiff and uncomfortable. It’s embarrassing, hon.

I wasn’t sure how to tell you this, but I hate your new cologne. I’ve been trying to subtly hint that I preferred your old one, but whatever you’re wearing now…honey, I’m sorry, but it smells really weird, like a compost pile full of rotten meat. Did you get it at the same place you got your new face wash? No offense, sweetie, but it’s not really helping your complexion. In fact, you look a little green. Are you getting sick? That would explain the congestion. And you’ve been pretty clammy lately. And I found another one of your toes in the shower. How many are you down to now, six?

At first it was really refreshing that you were attracted to my intellect, but I have to say that I wish you paid more attention to my appearance, too. Sometimes a girl likes to hear that you like her for something other than her brains.

Also, I have noticed you trying to nibble on my limbs in my sleep.

I’m sorry, but I think we’ve both seen this coming for a while now. I hope we can still be friends. Why is your mouth open? A goodbye kiss? Well, I guess…

-Written by HeyShutUpMeg