GUESTBREAKER: You Want Me to Take You Seriously After Starring on Degrassi

Every child star has a bit of a realization that they don’t want to be typecast. They want to dirty up their image and become more accessible to the rest of the world. But not every child star is a black actor named Aubrey Graham who just happened to play a wheelchair-bound basketball player on Canada’s most laughable drama.

You love rap. We get it. But your name is Aubrey. YOUR NAME IS AUBREY. You cannot change your name to Drake and expect me to take you seriously. You cannot talk about sex without taking me back to the time you and Ashley were trying to have sex and ended up not being ready, so you made condom balloon animals instead. CONDOM BALLOON ANIMALS. There is almost nothing less street than that.

So the next time you want to really intimidate us, maybe by guesting on a Kanye West or Kid Cudi song telling us how much “swagger” you have, please remember this: your name is Aubrey. Your name is not Drake. And nothing you do, no amount of women you make say “oh oh oh” when you “poke her face” (which NEVER fucking happens, by the way) will ever make us forget where you came from. And you came from the basketball courts of Degrassi Junior High. Which is pretty much the basketball court of Hang Time.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Alice.