Your Puka Shell Necklace

So you happen to be tall, dark, and handsome, but this leaves a huge opportunity for you to be a total douche bag. You aren’t? You’re actually really sweet and are equally as intelligent? I really like your plaid button up too… wait… what is that around your neck? Is that a puka shell necklace? Are you joking? Look, I get that you’re really into surfing and have the golden tan and rock hard abs to prove it, but I thought this stopped being okay when Johnny Tsunami hit puberty (that was the late 90’s, by the way). Look, I don’t care if you have the face of a greek god, I really can’t stand being around someone who evokes my tweenhood memories revolving around the headache-inducing stench of Hollister and that one pseudo-reggae mix CD I made. I mean, I think it’s really nice that you got the necklace on your 2001 family cruise to the Bahamas, but your sister stopped wearing her hair in those weird vacation braids done by that sketchy Bahamian woman, and you should just let it go too. Please leave and don’t forget to take your Bob Marley tapestry. Why did you even bring this with you? We’re at a bar.

-Written by landpirate