We decided to specifically not post any Dealbreakers today. Instead, we wrote you (the royal, all inclusive you) a little love letter. Hope you like it.

Happy every-day-of-the-fucking-year. Someone loves you. Seriously. There is absolutely no need to walk through the cliche minefield of blankets and ice cream and liquor and bad movies. Today is just a day in your life. Half your taken friends will be single in six months and half your single friends will be married in 5 years. Or not. It’s the fucking universe, it’s not supposed to make sense.

You don’t need to go to that “I Hate Valentine’s Day” party. You’re just going to shove your tongue into a sad weirdo’s face after slamming a bunch of awkwardly named homemade drinks like The Heart Burn, The (Make Up) Sex On The Beach, or the Multiple Orgasm (yes, that one is really elaborate and complicated and involves a lot of dropping things into other things and sort of moving your head around to make it work).

You don’t need to fuck the first person that talks to you at the bar/party/Blockbuster (line at Redbox). It is Monday. Would you do that next Monday? Probably not, but if you would, then enjoy it, because there’s nothing worse that sad sex, or FTF (fucking to forget). You’re literally just going through the motions of an activity that would be fun if you weren’t in the bathroom of a Ruby Tuesday with your face pressed against graffiti about a girl who gives the best blowjobs, or worse, your back pressed against that little nub thing on the door where you’re supposed to hang your coat but it’s too small to hold anything more than a windbreaker. You know what I mean.

If you do have someone special to enjoy the day with, please do. Remain undeterred by the anti-love sentiments that permeate the air on a day like today. You found someone, they found you, and that’s a beautiful thing. Cynics (including us) be damned, it’s great to have a partner in crime, and that’s why today, you should do something dangerous together. Prove your love for each other is real by doing it in public. Rob a bank together. Rip the tags off of mattresses at Ikea, and then kidnap a store employee! No, don’t. But have a good time. You earned it by defying convention and actually being happy together. And for that, we commend you.

So, single, taken, married, dating, gay, straight, transgendered, asexual, bisexual, furry, furby, poly-amorous, polymorphous, polygon, paraplegic, or paprika, someone loves you. Happy Valentine’s Day.