• DAVE: Knock Knock?
  • MARISA: Who's there?
  • DAVE: Just your friend and blogmate, Dave. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?
  • MARISA: Of course. Are you making a cake?
  • DAVE: Nah. Can't a guy just eat a cup of sugar for dessert?
  • MARISA: Um, no. A “guy” can't.
  • DAVE: Okay, well, forget I said anything... So, hi! How's it going?
  • MARISA: Do you want some flour, or butter, or eggs? You could make a real good cake.
  • DAVE: NO. If I wanted cake I'd go and buy 4 hostess cupcakes and mash them together.
  • MARISA: That'd look like a garbage pile.
  • DAVE: You know what? Forget it. I just wanted to come over and introduce ourselves to some of our new readers.
  • MARISA: Introduce yourself as some freaky pervert who just eats a cup of sugar?
  • DAVE: Look, some people like cake. There's a lot of sugar in cake. I'm a busy guy. I'd rather cut out the middleman.
  • MARISA: Honestly? I don't even think I know you anymore.
  • DAVE: You know me! I’m your tight bro FOR LYFE! And I sure do like writing this blog with you!
  • MARISA: I like writing this blog too. And I like cake.
  • DAVE: How long's it been?
  • MARISA: Since January!
  • DAVE: 10 months of breaking up relationships and talking about cake and pizza.
  • MARISA: We've come a long way, baby. A lot of late nights in the office knockin’ back a few pizzas and cakes.
  • DAVE: A couple of cold ones (cold slices of pizza).
  • MARISA: Exactly.
  • DAVE: Have you learned anything from this long hard road of dealbreaking?
  • MARISA: No, nothing.
  • DAVE: Me neither! Wait, that's not true. I learned that it's okay to be a snarky little blogmonster, because we are not alone!
  • MARISA: I guess that is comforting. As snarky as you think you are, there is always somebody more snarky than you.
  • DAVE: yeah it's like ET.
  • MARISA: How so?
  • DAVE: One minute you think you're totally alone, and you're calling your shitty brother Penis Breath, and the next you're dressing an alien up like a girl and hiding him in a closet.
  • MARISA: Also, he calls his brother "penis breath."
  • DAVE: What a crazy thing for an 8 year old boy to say!
  • MARISA: Yeah, that kid should have been sent to boarding school instead of goofin’ around with aliens.
  • DAVE: This is what you get, new readers! ET metaphors! Welcome to the fun!
  • MARISA: Yes, welcome. Thank you for listening to us act like jerks.
  • DAVE: Prepare yourselves for enough arguments against dating to turn you into cat ladies (and men) for all of eternity.
  • MARISA: So kick back, grab a cold one (*slice of pizza), feed your cats, and read some goddamn dealbreakers!
  • DAVE: Oh and watch 30 Rock, Thursdays at 9:30. We get paid to say that! *
  • MARISA: Yes, I am Tina Fey and Dave is Judah Friedlander.
  • DAVE: WHAT? No! I want to be Tracy Morgan.
  • MARISA: No, you can't be.
  • DAVE: Fuck it, then. I want to be Tina Fey. You can be the table in the writers’ room.
  • MARISA: You can be the dumpster.
  • DAVE: okay, I'll be the dumpster. You can be the rats that eat all the garbage and bathe in dirt.
  • MARISA: Sounds like a plan. I think we’re done here.
  • DAVE: Okay everyone, keep reading our blog. And remember to eat your sugar!
  • MARISA: Bye!
  • *No, we don't.