GUESTMAKER: You Are Barack Obama

I love you, Barack Obama. Even though we can never be, because you are married and President of the United States, I will always think of you fondly when I’m utlilizing my reformed health care.

When I am at the doctor, I will think of you. When I am receiving my newly affordable prescription, I will think of you. When I am in the emergency room and it isn’t costing me $800 and it didn’t take 15 hours to be seen, I will think of you. When I am diagnosed with cancer and insurance companies can’t reject me because of my pre-existing condition, I will think of you. When I am receiving chemotherapy and it’s saving my life and it’s not bankrupting me, I will think of you. When my children come out healthy and strong because I had regular checkups with an OBGYN, I will think of you. When, in my golden years, I am able to get long-term care insurance so that I am not a burden on my children and grandchildren, I will think of you.

So if you and Michelle ever want to have a respectful and patriotic threesome with a 27-year-old with limited sexual experience, do not hesitate to call me. Consider that deal MADE.

A Guest Dealmaker written by Lindsay Katai.