You Can’t Hang
No, we can’t leave yet. Why? Because we just got here! How are you tired? It’s 9:30! This is my best friend from college! I’ve known him for 10 years! Ugh, why does that deserve an eye roll? Of course you don’t know anyone at this party, they’re all old friends of mine who’ve been dying to meet you! You always bail on me when I meet up with them. WHAT? “You have enough friends?” Wow. No, I won’t give you cab fare, you’re staying! Of course you’ll have things to say to them. Don’t assume you have nothing in common with them just because- oh no, put down that bottle. I swear, if you drink red wine tonight you’re gonna pass out on the couch. I will leave you here. I swear I will leave you wherever you collapse. Goddamnit. If I knew you were going to act like a baby, I would have left you with a sitter.