Dealbreaker Presents: Halloween Safety Tips!
Hello loyal readers! Halloween weekend is upon us, and that means a lot of things. Fun? Sure. Candy? Absolutely! But it also means certain danger for those who aren’t careful. You could find a razor in your pumpkin, or you could go trick or treating at an unfriendly house whose owners give you not candy, but mud! And who likes mud? Mud monsters, of course. However, if you’re not a mud monster and instead a person, here are some safety tips guaranteed to make your Halloween fun and free of the kinds of danger your grampy warned you about!
-While Trick or Treating, never talk to strangers UNLESS they are offering candy, a ride back to your house, or a FREE* haunted hayride in their backyard. (*only suckers pay for hayrides!)
- Don’t carve pumpkins! They have as many nerve endings as a newborn baby. You wouldn’t carve a baby would you? Please say you wouldn’t!
-All apples are poisonous! Don’t eat an apple from a stranger on Halloween, or a grocery store, or a farmers market, or a tree.
-When using a lead based spray paint to paint your costume, cover your mouth with your hand! And NOT the hand you’re spraying with. Common sense, bonehead! Eating paint is for GROWNUPS.
-Girls who wear “sexy” costumes will get a venereal disease in their baskets, which is neither a Trick nor a Treat, FYI.
-When egging and toilet papering houses, make sure to ask the home owners if it’s okay first. Often times they will provide you with the eggs themselves, especially if you live in a farming town.
And last, but certainly, absolutely, totally NOT least, DON’T TOUCH DAD’S HEATH BAR. THAT’S FOR DAD. HE BOUGHT IT SEPARATE FROM THE HALLOWEEN CANDY. THAT IS NOT FOR YOU! IT’S FOR DAD.
Happy Halloween everybody!
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