OATMEALBREAKER: You Live to Work

I understand that like so many other people, most of your waking hours are spent working at an office job, but for God’s sakes, can you please shut up about it?  We’re supposed to be having fun now.  I don’t care that you’re allowed to talk at big, important meetings or that your coworkers would be screwed if you ever left.  You work at Avis Rent-a-Car.  If you died there at 10am, they would have someone who looks exactly like you hawking overpriced insurance policies by noon.

Also, the fact that you say you’ve been promoted again every single time I see you suggests that either you’re lying to hide your deep-rooted personal insecurities or you work for a place with a system of hierarchy designed by children.  Seriously, that’s like thirty-seven promotions in the past four months.  I can only imagine that by now your business card is simply a picture of you sawing off God’s head.

And please, please stop using the words “rock star” to describe coworkers possessing an above and beyond work ethic.  No rock star has ever set an alarm for 8am, showered, and then drove somewhere to alphabetize folders.  It’s cheap and entirely inaccurate.  How would you feel if a rock star described himself as a “customer service representative” simply because it’s 9am and he’s tried everything but a snake charmer to get his cocaine-ravaged penis erect?  It wouldn’t feel very good, would it?

So now that we’re not dating, can you please pass my resume along?  Thanks!

A Guest Dealbreaker written by the hardest working man in showbusiness, Tom Oatmeal.