Holy Shit! Where Did Dealbreaker Go?
Hello friends! It’s me, Dave. I’m the curly-haired one in that picture, although I just cut it all off a few weeks ago. How are you? Let me explain myself. I’m not just trying to waltz back into your life after months and months of radio silence. No, I’m here to let you know where we’ve been, what we’ve been doing, and where we’re going.
Still there? Have you run screaming from this post because it’s not about how gross it is when someone says “you’re weird” when you tell a joke on a date (seriously, that shit is unacceptable)? Listen, Dealbreaker has been in hibernation for a long time. Myself and Marisa, the blonde one in the photo (although her hair is brown again! That is an old picture!), decided that we should check in and let you all know what’s been going on. I logged into this account about a month ago and was amazed that people are still following this blog. Our numbers have actually doubled(!) since we wrote a book and stopped regularly updating this thing. That makes my cold heart grow three times it’s normal size, like the Grinch. But unlike the Grinch, I’m not a cartoon, so I should probably go to the hospital.
ANYWAY, hi! Here’s the deal: We love this blog. We love writing for it and we love all the submissions you guys have shared with us over the years. We even love(d) doling out advice on here, even though we were grossly under qualified for the job. I hope we didn’t ruin any relationships with our half-baked ideas and stern commands to “break up, you dumb idiot,” which is something I think I said about 12 times in videos and posts. But, as much as we love all of that, we’ve been incredibly busy with other projects. For one, we wrote a TV pilot! Seriously! Look, here’s a scene from it:

We’ve also been writing for the ABC comedy Don’t Trust The B- In Apartment 23, which airs Wednesdays at 9:30. Tonight’s episode has Kiernan Shipka, otherwise known as Sally Draper from Mad Men! It was an amazing experience working on the show, and we’re incredibly proud of it. 
Right now we are working on a new TV script, and getting a few other projects ready as well. Marisa is still improvising with the UCB Harold team The Great War most Monday nights here in LA, and I’m still doing shows with my sketch group A Kiss From Daddy. You can check all of that good stuff out on UCB’s website.
We’ll be checking in over here from time to time, whether to share a new video we’ve been working on, a guest submission that’s too good not to post, or maybe even a new piece of writing for the site. For example, I just wrote a piece on my own blog called The Three Post-Breakup Phases that I’ll be re-posting here, because I think our readers might be interested in it. 
So, my little cheeseburgers, thank you for coming back over and over for repeated glimpses into relationship hell. If you hate dating, you’re not alone, but if Marisa and I could offer up anything to from our 3+ years of Dealbreaking (holy crap!), it would be that hating is easy (and let’s be honest, funny), but at the end of the day, there’s nothing better than finding someone who doesn’t piss you off enough to want to throw them off a building constantly. Good luck in your search. Maybe some of these links will help:
The Dealbreaker Index: Our first several hundred entries.
DEALBREAKER Vimeo: All those videos of us staring into a webcam. And a few others!
Self Absorption At Discount Prices: Dave’s Blog. Like Dealbreaker, but more specific and with more pizza.
Commedesfuckdown: The official site of Stephen Meiers, the amazing photographer who took that picture of us!
Don’t Trust The B-: The Official Site of the ABC show we’ve been writing for.
@Dave_Horwitz: Dave’s Twitter. Yeah, he’s one of those jerks.
Love, 
Dave (and Marisa)

Holy Shit! Where Did Dealbreaker Go?


Hello friends! It’s me, Dave. I’m the curly-haired one in that picture, although I just cut it all off a few weeks ago. How are you? Let me explain myself. I’m not just trying to waltz back into your life after months and months of radio silence. No, I’m here to let you know where we’ve been, what we’ve been doing, and where we’re going.

Still there? Have you run screaming from this post because it’s not about how gross it is when someone says “you’re weird” when you tell a joke on a date (seriously, that shit is unacceptable)? Listen, Dealbreaker has been in hibernation for a long time. Myself and Marisa, the blonde one in the photo (although her hair is brown again! That is an old picture!), decided that we should check in and let you all know what’s been going on. I logged into this account about a month ago and was amazed that people are still following this blog. Our numbers have actually doubled(!) since we wrote a book and stopped regularly updating this thing. That makes my cold heart grow three times it’s normal size, like the Grinch. But unlike the Grinch, I’m not a cartoon, so I should probably go to the hospital.

ANYWAY, hi! Here’s the deal: We love this blog. We love writing for it and we love all the submissions you guys have shared with us over the years. We even love(d) doling out advice on here, even though we were grossly under qualified for the job. I hope we didn’t ruin any relationships with our half-baked ideas and stern commands to “break up, you dumb idiot,” which is something I think I said about 12 times in videos and posts. But, as much as we love all of that, we’ve been incredibly busy with other projects. For one, we wrote a TV pilot! Seriously! Look, here’s a scene from it:

We’ve also been writing for the ABC comedy Don’t Trust The B- In Apartment 23, which airs Wednesdays at 9:30. Tonight’s episode has Kiernan Shipka, otherwise known as Sally Draper from Mad Men! It was an amazing experience working on the show, and we’re incredibly proud of it. 

Right now we are working on a new TV script, and getting a few other projects ready as well. Marisa is still improvising with the UCB Harold team The Great War most Monday nights here in LA, and I’m still doing shows with my sketch group A Kiss From Daddy. You can check all of that good stuff out on UCB’s website.

We’ll be checking in over here from time to time, whether to share a new video we’ve been working on, a guest submission that’s too good not to post, or maybe even a new piece of writing for the site. For example, I just wrote a piece on my own blog called The Three Post-Breakup Phases that I’ll be re-posting here, because I think our readers might be interested in it. 

So, my little cheeseburgers, thank you for coming back over and over for repeated glimpses into relationship hell. If you hate dating, you’re not alone, but if Marisa and I could offer up anything to from our 3+ years of Dealbreaking (holy crap!), it would be that hating is easy (and let’s be honest, funny), but at the end of the day, there’s nothing better than finding someone who doesn’t piss you off enough to want to throw them off a building constantly. Good luck in your search. Maybe some of these links will help:

The Dealbreaker Index: Our first several hundred entries.

DEALBREAKER Vimeo: All those videos of us staring into a webcam. And a few others!

Self Absorption At Discount Prices: Dave’s Blog. Like Dealbreaker, but more specific and with more pizza.

Commedesfuckdown: The official site of Stephen Meiers, the amazing photographer who took that picture of us!

Don’t Trust The B-: The Official Site of the ABC show we’ve been writing for.

@Dave_Horwitz: Dave’s Twitter. Yeah, he’s one of those jerks.

Love, 

Dave (and Marisa)


theidiotking:

I Made You A New/Old Mix - Sweet Teeth
Last night I found a playlist on iTunes that I didn’t recognize, and saw that it had 17 songs I really loved. I didn’t REALLY remember making it, but as I was playing it I realized that all the songs had one unifying factor: female vocalists. Please enjoy it, along with this triumphant picture of me yelling at airplanes on the beach with my wonderful friend Eleanore, who was wearing a very important wig (Photo by Dan Kwan).
1. Land of Talk - Sixteen Asterisk // 2. Sharon Van Etten - Love More // 3. Headlights - We’re all Animals // 4. Georgie James - More Lights // 5. The Mynabirds - Let the Record Go // 6. Amy Miles - King of Girls // 7. Liz Phair - Fuck and Run // 8. That Dog - Never Say Never // 9. Thao w/The Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster // 10. Lake - Sing 99 90 // 11. Lykke Li - Little Bit // 12. The Blow - Fists Up //  13. Mates Of State - True Love Will Find You in the End (Daniel Johnston cover) // 14. The Happy Hollows - Tell Me // 15. Giant Drag - Everything’s Worse // 16. your friend, kimi - Heart of Glass (Blondie cover) // 17. Charlotte Gainsbourg - Voyage
Download

Dave made this for you!

theidiotking:

I Made You A New/Old Mix - Sweet Teeth

Last night I found a playlist on iTunes that I didn’t recognize, and saw that it had 17 songs I really loved. I didn’t REALLY remember making it, but as I was playing it I realized that all the songs had one unifying factor: female vocalists. Please enjoy it, along with this triumphant picture of me yelling at airplanes on the beach with my wonderful friend Eleanore, who was wearing a very important wig (Photo by Dan Kwan).

1. Land of Talk - Sixteen Asterisk // 2. Sharon Van Etten - Love More // 3. Headlights - We’re all Animals // 4. Georgie James - More Lights // 5. The Mynabirds - Let the Record Go // 6. Amy Miles - King of Girls // 7. Liz Phair - Fuck and Run // 8. That Dog - Never Say Never // 9. Thao w/The Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster // 10. Lake - Sing 99 90 // 11. Lykke Li - Little Bit // 12. The Blow - Fists Up //  13. Mates Of State - True Love Will Find You in the End (Daniel Johnston cover) // 14. The Happy Hollows - Tell Me // 15. Giant Drag - Everything’s Worse // 16. your friend, kimi - Heart of Glass (Blondie cover) // 17. Charlotte Gainsbourg - Voyage

Download

Dave made this for you!


Swift And French: Episode One - Be Normal from Erin Gibson on Vimeo.

theidiotking:

WORLD PREMIERE! Two years in the making, a show about two co-workers who hate each other, hate the coffee shop they work at, and hate the superpowers they’ve mysteriously developed. 

Swift and French

Written by/Starring Erin Gibson & Dave Horwitz

with Marisa Pinson and Billy Merritt

Directed by Tyler Gilette / Special Effects by Chris VanArtsdalen

Pass it around if you like it, will ya?

Watch Dave make goo goo eyes at Marisa! Also he can fly in this!


SLACKLUST: 27 Is Not The Final Destination - DAVE HORWITZ

theidiotking:

I’m turning 28 on Friday, and I wrote a piece for Slacklust about how all I want for my birthday is not to die. 

Happy Birthday, Dave! Hope you cheat death for another year!

Source slacklust


You can’t get hard
Things were great…we like all the same things…you speak Spanish…you’re a socialist… I’m half in love with you because of your political ideology, and you’re tall, which is a huge plus. So I work my charm, and finally get you to invite me over. We have a couple drinks, I begin to get a little drunk, and next thing you know, we’re making out. I’m sort of pulling all my best moves and when I ask you if I should get the condom, you say yes. Okay well thanks for wasting my condom, you chode. As you’re trying to squeeze your playdoh (LOL JK playdoh is stiffer) in, I realize that isn’t going to work because my vagina isn’t build to take in globs of skin. I ask if everything is okay, and you say it’s because you’ve been drinking, uh….okay… so you insist on keeping the foreplay going and I play along because I haven’t had sex in over 5 months. All of the sudden, your little soft self decides to slap my butt…several times…umm, okay…. Maybe I would forgive this if you could have actually gotten me off. All this messing around, and your little downstairs friend still doesn’t want to give me the time of day. I’m pissed and want to go to sleep, but for some reason, you still have hope in your broken penis. I wake up the next morning, and as I’m all dressed, you finally are ready. So I decide to give you another chance and waste my last condom. Things work out, and I get my mediocre fuck. As I lay down, I notice a guitar, and ask you what you like to play. You say, Guns ‘n Roses and Nirvana… yeah… I’m going to catch the next bus…
I’m offended that you still haven’t talked to me since, but then I remember that in my sexual frustration towards your malfunctioning dick that I called you a child molester for fucking a girl that is 10 years younger than you. Oops.
-Written by twogirlsonecup

You can’t get hard

Things were great…we like all the same things…you speak Spanish…you’re a socialist… I’m half in love with you because of your political ideology, and you’re tall, which is a huge plus. So I work my charm, and finally get you to invite me over. We have a couple drinks, I begin to get a little drunk, and next thing you know, we’re making out. I’m sort of pulling all my best moves and when I ask you if I should get the condom, you say yes. Okay well thanks for wasting my condom, you chode. As you’re trying to squeeze your playdoh (LOL JK playdoh is stiffer) in, I realize that isn’t going to work because my vagina isn’t build to take in globs of skin. I ask if everything is okay, and you say it’s because you’ve been drinking, uh….okay… so you insist on keeping the foreplay going and I play along because I haven’t had sex in over 5 months. All of the sudden, your little soft self decides to slap my butt…several times…umm, okay…. Maybe I would forgive this if you could have actually gotten me off. All this messing around, and your little downstairs friend still doesn’t want to give me the time of day. I’m pissed and want to go to sleep, but for some reason, you still have hope in your broken penis. I wake up the next morning, and as I’m all dressed, you finally are ready. So I decide to give you another chance and waste my last condom. Things work out, and I get my mediocre fuck. As I lay down, I notice a guitar, and ask you what you like to play. You say, Guns ‘n Roses and Nirvana… yeah… I’m going to catch the next bus…

I’m offended that you still haven’t talked to me since, but then I remember that in my sexual frustration towards your malfunctioning dick that I called you a child molester for fucking a girl that is 10 years younger than you. Oops.

-Written by twogirlsonecup


theidiotking:

Help find Clancy!
Friends/acquiantances/followers/strangers in LA (specifically the Los Feliz/Silverlake area), my friend’s dog got out late last night and went missing. He answers to Clancy and he’s a beagle mix. He’s not wearing his collar. If you see or hear anything, please contact me at DEHorwitz@gmail.com, and also reblog and spread the word so we can find Clancy. Thanks so much!

theidiotking:

Help find Clancy!

Friends/acquiantances/followers/strangers in LA (specifically the Los Feliz/Silverlake area), my friend’s dog got out late last night and went missing. He answers to Clancy and he’s a beagle mix. He’s not wearing his collar. If you see or hear anything, please contact me at DEHorwitz@gmail.com, and also reblog and spread the word so we can find Clancy. Thanks so much!


You Wet The Bed
Ok, you’re seemingly a lot drunker than I am and you stink of cigarettes but yeah sure, I’ll make out with you for a while. Cool, you’re kissing my neck and nibbling my ear, oh wait YOU TONGUE IS IN MY EAR CANAL. MAKE IT STOP. Oh that’s handy, you passed out on the bed, crisis averted.
A few hours later I wake up next to you and my sheets are wet, that’s weird. My glass of water is empty so maybe one of us spilt it, I’ll allow it…wait a minute…the water is from around your crotch. That’s not water, that’s your urine. When I shake you awake to politely let you know that you wet my bed, no, soaked my bed. You shrug and say ‘it happens’. ‘It happens’ was acceptable 20 years ago but I am disgusted and have to sleep on this mattress every night. Wetting the bed is one thing but being so nonchalant about it is is quite another. I’m sorry but get out of bed and out of my life. No, I don’t even want to be friends with a bed wetter.
-Written by electracomplex

You Wet The Bed

Ok, you’re seemingly a lot drunker than I am and you stink of cigarettes but yeah sure, I’ll make out with you for a while. Cool, you’re kissing my neck and nibbling my ear, oh wait YOU TONGUE IS IN MY EAR CANAL. MAKE IT STOP. Oh that’s handy, you passed out on the bed, crisis averted.

A few hours later I wake up next to you and my sheets are wet, that’s weird. My glass of water is empty so maybe one of us spilt it, I’ll allow it…wait a minute…the water is from around your crotch. That’s not water, that’s your urine. When I shake you awake to politely let you know that you wet my bed, no, soaked my bed. You shrug and say ‘it happens’. ‘It happens’ was acceptable 20 years ago but I am disgusted and have to sleep on this mattress every night. Wetting the bed is one thing but being so nonchalant about it is is quite another. I’m sorry but get out of bed and out of my life. No, I don’t even want to be friends with a bed wetter.

-Written by electracomplex


You’re Not Michelle Obama
These last three weeks have been fun. Really, they have! That little sushi place tucked away downtown nobody knows about? Great. Terrific soup menu. And even the Ikea date (wonder where you got that idea) was cute, in a twee-lookit-my-fixed-gear-and-nose-ring kind of way. But I think we should see other people. It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s Michelle.
I mean, have you seen the first lady? Those legs! Those arms! That very reasonable childhood obesity policy! What’s not to love? I mean, sure she’s taken now, but just because there’s a goalie who’s the leader of the free world doesn’t mean you can’t score, right? Right?
Ah, fuck it. Want to get sushi again?
-Written by BombsForBreakfast

You’re Not Michelle Obama

These last three weeks have been fun. Really, they have! That little sushi place tucked away downtown nobody knows about? Great. Terrific soup menu. And even the Ikea date (wonder where you got that idea) was cute, in a twee-lookit-my-fixed-gear-and-nose-ring kind of way. But I think we should see other people. It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s Michelle.

I mean, have you seen the first lady? Those legs! Those arms! That very reasonable childhood obesity policy! What’s not to love? I mean, sure she’s taken now, but just because there’s a goalie who’s the leader of the free world doesn’t mean you can’t score, right? Right?

Ah, fuck it. Want to get sushi again?

-Written by BombsForBreakfast


theidiotking:

GPOYW: The Inevitable Has Happened Edition.
Follow me?

Throw Dave a follow if you’re feeling generous. He’d do the same for/to you!

theidiotking:

GPOYW: The Inevitable Has Happened Edition.

Follow me?

Throw Dave a follow if you’re feeling generous. He’d do the same for/to you!


FRIENDBREAKER: Your Bird Nest Hair
Oh, wow. New friend! Yes, I thought you would make quite the amazing addition to my slew of friends. You’re funny and sarcastic, almost to a breaking point. I can never really seem to catch a breath around you because of your unfailing humor. You’re also the greatest shopping buddy anyone can have (major points for telling me that shirt DID look good on me to make me feel better, even though it was a particularly nasty shade of green). What’s that? Oh, ew. Somehow a feather got into your hair, let me just take that out for you. Say what? It’s clipped in? Why would a bird’s feather be clipped into -
Oh, it’s a trend? A really fashionable trend? All those cool celebrities are having it done in their hair? All the salons are stocking “feather extensions” in their stores? It looks like you got your secret roll-in-bird-feathers fetish on and forgot to take out the feathers so you wouldn’t get caught. Come again? I don’t understand fashion? I’m no longer cool? Excuse me for not understanding sticking feathers in your hair. I’ll try to pray that you don’t get some weird bird disease. In the meantime, I’ll take my uncool hair and look like a bird didn’t just attack it.
-Written By Taylor

FRIENDBREAKER: Your Bird Nest Hair

Oh, wow. New friend! Yes, I thought you would make quite the amazing addition to my slew of friends. You’re funny and sarcastic, almost to a breaking point. I can never really seem to catch a breath around you because of your unfailing humor. You’re also the greatest shopping buddy anyone can have (major points for telling me that shirt DID look good on me to make me feel better, even though it was a particularly nasty shade of green). What’s that? Oh, ew. Somehow a feather got into your hair, let me just take that out for you. Say what? It’s clipped in? Why would a bird’s feather be clipped into -

Oh, it’s a trend? A really fashionable trend? All those cool celebrities are having it done in their hair? All the salons are stocking “feather extensions” in their stores? It looks like you got your secret roll-in-bird-feathers fetish on and forgot to take out the feathers so you wouldn’t get caught. Come again? I don’t understand fashion? I’m no longer cool? Excuse me for not understanding sticking feathers in your hair. I’ll try to pray that you don’t get some weird bird disease. In the meantime, I’ll take my uncool hair and look like a bird didn’t just attack it.

-Written By Taylor