January 2009
12 posts
1 tag
You're "Totes Random."
I CAN HAS BREAKUP? LOLZ!
1 tag
You're a Bad Drunk.
“Hey Caitlin, this is Sherriff Mike Brown, again. We have Tyler here at the station in custody for public intoxication. He was arrested after instigating an argument at the Del Taco on Santa Monica Blvd. Tyler reportedly attempted to climb over the counter into the kitchen, insisting he make his own burrito. When the employees tried to restrain him, he responded by...
2 tags
Your Marilyn Monroe Piercing.
Oh sure…that metal in your face makes you look exactly like that famous dead lady. Don’t tell anyone we fucked.
Your Makeup.
I woke up this morning and threw my arm around her, but she was already gone. I must have been comatose, because I didn’t wake up to the sound of her kick starting the industrial paint gun she uses to “put on her face.” Let the record show that she uses a hammer and chisel to remove said face every night before bed. She is the kindest, most beautiful creature I know, not to...
2 tags
Your Clever Facial Hair.
Hi Trey- I don’t think I can make it to Vegas with you this weekend. I’ve got a lot of work to catch up on and my sister is coming to town. Also, thanks for the ride home last night, sorry I was feeling so sick. I guess it was a combination of the hooka smoke, the deep house music, and doing ecstacy for the first time since I was 18. On second thought, it was probably just my...
1 tag
Your Velcro Sandals.
Readers: you can play along at home! Visualize a red circle with a line through it, and an air raid siren. And a giant explosion. And the very fabric of time and space opening up and swallowing this foot whole. Get a pair of sneakers, pervert.
Your Baby Talk.
I AM NOT YOUR SHMOO.
Your AOL Account.
In this fast-paced digital age, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the seemingly never ending influx of modern technology. We are constantly barraged with advertisments touting their products as the fastest, sexiest, and most modern on the market. The internet itself is a stimulus powerhouse, feeding our addiction to consumerism at every point and click. It’s so refreshing how you...
1 tag
You Don't Like Sushi.
To: UptwnGirl41@Gmail.com Subject: dinner last night.. …Hey. Uhh…so I know you were cool with us going to that Japanese place, but I was a little surprised when you ordered the teriyaki. I kind of had this whole thing planned out where I was going to order for both of us and just get a million rolls and all this sashimi. You kind of weirded me out when I was eating my food. It looked like you...
1 tag
You're Sad.
“Hey… sorry I have been weird lately. I’m just going through a lot of shit right now. I just feel like… I don’t know… like I’m in a black hole. Are black holes vaccuums? Thats what I feel like I’m in. Like, what is the point of everything? We live these fucked up, meaningless lives where all we do is disappoint everyone. UGH IT’S JUST...
2 tags
Your Ed Hardy Clothes.
Women of the world, this is for you. You might be in danger of blowing it. You could be a great person. Maybe you’ve seen Being There and you really liked it a lot. You might even like Elvis Costello and own the Muppet Show on DVD. You could have real potential to be Mrs. My Last Name. So don’t blow it. Don’t you dare buy anything made by Ed Hardy. Don’t accept it as a gift. Don’t try it on just...
2 tags
Your Band.
“Hey, babe. I think we’re gonna play that new song I showed you. You know, ‘Falling Into You.’ That song is pretty personal, but I think the crowd will like it… oh and also I think I left some of my stage jewelry at your place last night, so if you could bring it by with my wristbands, that’d be awesome. It’s so rad that you embrace my art. I can’t...