You Are Bella From Twilight So, we can’t date because you’re sort of seeing someone? Okay, well maybe we could sort of see each other too? Oh, you’re really into him. That’s cool. If it doesn’t work out, I’d love to- no, I wasn’t implying that you’d break up, I just mean sometimes relationships end. What? Promised to him for eternity? You think you’re going to be together for eternity? Dude, you’re what, like 18? Chances are, you’re going to break up when you go to college. College is basically a reset button for your whole life, and a guarantee that you’re going to be boning a bunch of dudes on some very creaky twin mattresses surrounded by Fight Club posters and weed leaf tapestries. Good luck explaining that to the love of your life via confessional late night Skype session. Just forget it. Have fun with your sparkly boyfriend. I respect your weird obsession. The way you’re talking about him, the sex must be unbelievable, so I can’t argue with- WHAT. NO SEX? And you barely even kiss each other? And if you have sex, you think it’s going to kill you? What do you do then? STARE AT EACH OTHER IN THE WOODS? You stare longingly at each other while he rattles off lines that sound like they were paraphrased from the Romeo and Juliet Cliff Notes? Yeah, this has staying power written all over it. All I’m saying is, you’re cute, but you don’t know anything about love right now. If you think you’re going to feel this weird stammering, bottom lip biting puppy love thing in 5 years, then you’re living in a fantasy. An elaborately plotted, insufferably boring fantasy sprawling across books and movies, constructed by a very wealthy mormon cat lady. Have a nice life, just don’t call me when you get sick of close range, smoldering eye contact and a lifetime of lady blue-balls.

You Are Bella From Twilight

So, we can’t date because you’re sort of seeing someone? Okay, well maybe we could sort of see each other too? Oh, you’re really into him. That’s cool. If it doesn’t work out, I’d love to- no, I wasn’t implying that you’d break up, I just mean sometimes relationships end. What? Promised to him for eternity? You think you’re going to be together for eternity? Dude, you’re what, like 18? Chances are, you’re going to break up when you go to college. College is basically a reset button for your whole life, and a guarantee that you’re going to be boning a bunch of dudes on some very creaky twin mattresses surrounded by Fight Club posters and weed leaf tapestries. Good luck explaining that to the love of your life via confessional late night Skype session.

Just forget it. Have fun with your sparkly boyfriend. I respect your weird obsession. The way you’re talking about him, the sex must be unbelievable, so I can’t argue with- WHAT. NO SEX? And you barely even kiss each other? And if you have sex, you think it’s going to kill you? What do you do then? STARE AT EACH OTHER IN THE WOODS? You stare longingly at each other while he rattles off lines that sound like they were paraphrased from the Romeo and Juliet Cliff Notes? Yeah, this has staying power written all over it. All I’m saying is, you’re cute, but you don’t know anything about love right now. If you think you’re going to feel this weird stammering, bottom lip biting puppy love thing in 5 years, then you’re living in a fantasy. An elaborately plotted, insufferably boring fantasy sprawling across books and movies, constructed by a very wealthy mormon cat lady. Have a nice life, just don’t call me when you get sick of close range, smoldering eye contact and a lifetime of lady blue-balls.

GUESTBREAKER: You Have A Small PenisI like you. We’ve had fun every time we’ve hung out. You’re a great kisser. But that just isn’t gonna get the job done for me. You should put your pants back on now. Let’s just be friends.A Guest Dealbreaker written by HTW

GUESTBREAKER: You Have A Small Penis

I like you. We’ve had fun every time we’ve hung out. You’re a great kisser. But that just isn’t gonna get the job done for me. You should put your pants back on now. Let’s just be friends.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by HTW

GUESTBREAKER: Your Misuse of Quotation MarksYou sent me an email that said you had “good news”. Just like that, “good news”. What does that even mean? Doesn’t that imply you’re being sarcastic? Is it not actually good or not actually news? Are you quoting someone? You’re “stupid”. A Guest Dealbreaker written by Karen.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Misuse of Quotation Marks

You sent me an email that said you had “good news”. Just like that, “good news”. What does that even mean? Doesn’t that imply you’re being sarcastic? Is it not actually good or not actually news? Are you quoting someone? You’re “stupid”.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Karen.

frenchelon: DEALBREAKER: You’ve Been In A Sarah Palin Video On YouTube, Saying Stupid Shit Okay, we probably don’t agree on anything politically, because I’m a progressive French Canadian, and you downloaded “Press One For English” off of iTunes.  Look, I get wanting to have a positive female role model, but you’re waiting outside in the freezing cold for the anti-Susan B. Anthony.  You’ll probably catch H1N1 and pass it on to the 45 million Americans without health insurance and they’ll all die because you think a basic human right is socialism, even though you can’t even define “socialism” when an unemployed journalist asks you to for his YouTube video. Note judicious use of mute button.

frenchelon:

DEALBREAKER: You’ve Been In A Sarah Palin Video On YouTube, Saying Stupid Shit

Okay, we probably don’t agree on anything politically, because I’m a progressive French Canadian, and you downloaded “Press One For English” off of iTunes.  Look, I get wanting to have a positive female role model, but you’re waiting outside in the freezing cold for the anti-Susan B. Anthony.  You’ll probably catch H1N1 and pass it on to the 45 million Americans without health insurance and they’ll all die because you think a basic human right is socialism, even though you can’t even define “socialism” when an unemployed journalist asks you to for his YouTube video.

Note judicious use of mute button.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Gross Feet Look, I get it, I take care of my feet a little bit more than the average person. But I happen to think that a woman should have nicely manicured feet. If I was a dude, I probably wouldn’t obsess over my feet as much, but your feet look like you walked to Mordor and back on your lunch break. You have hang nails on top of hang nails and your heels have more cracks than a sidewalk. It’s called moisturizer! Just put some lotion on your feet, it’ll soften them and take that funky smell away. And don’t get me started on the length of those talons. You could seriously hurt someone with those. I’m not going to share a bed with someone whose toenails might stab me in the femoral artery in the middle of the night. That is not the way I want to die. A Guest Dealbreaker written by Gaby.

GUESTBREAKER: Your Gross Feet

Look, I get it, I take care of my feet a little bit more than the average person. But I happen to think that a woman should have nicely manicured feet. If I was a dude, I probably wouldn’t obsess over my feet as much, but your feet look like you walked to Mordor and back on your lunch break. You have hang nails on top of hang nails and your heels have more cracks than a sidewalk. It’s called moisturizer! Just put some lotion on your feet, it’ll soften them and take that funky smell away. And don’t get me started on the length of those talons. You could seriously hurt someone with those. I’m not going to share a bed with someone whose toenails might stab me in the femoral artery in the middle of the night. That is not the way I want to die.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Gaby.

DEALBREAKER: You don't eat.

callmebez:

You keep telling me how you used to be fat, and that you lost weight by only consuming coffee and cigarettes. I’m pretty used to eating as much food as a guy, but this is just depressing. You order a burger and take ONE BITE while I go to town on a pasta dish and two appetizers. This might have to end now. Also you smell like an ashtray-latté.

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Like Watching Degrassi Hey you! Come sit down, I was just about to see what’s on TV. Oh look! Degrassi’s on! Oh my god, it’s a marathon. Awesome. Wait, why are you getting up? Where are you going? What do you mean you don’t like Degrassi?! Do you also dislike free samples and Mexican beer?! Yeah, I get that we were both in high school a long time ago. So what? Well, of course the writing and acting are awful! I don’t think you get it. It would be really hard to laugh at how ridiculous the plots and characters are if I actually identified with them. Look, instead of arguing with me, why don’t you just leave? The episode where Spinner gets shot is on and I want to watch it in peace. A stone cold serious Guest Dealbreaker written by Erika.

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Like Watching Degrassi

Hey you! Come sit down, I was just about to see what’s on TV. Oh look! Degrassi’s on! Oh my god, it’s a marathon. Awesome. Wait, why are you getting up? Where are you going? What do you mean you don’t like Degrassi?! Do you also dislike free samples and Mexican beer?! Yeah, I get that we were both in high school a long time ago. So what? Well, of course the writing and acting are awful! I don’t think you get it. It would be really hard to laugh at how ridiculous the plots and characters are if I actually identified with them. Look, instead of arguing with me, why don’t you just leave? The episode where Spinner gets shot is on and I want to watch it in peace.

A stone cold serious Guest Dealbreaker written by Erika.

GUESTBREAKER: You Refer To Yourself In The Third Person When I first met you I thought your cocky attitude was just an outward portrayal of your inner confidence, which in my foolish youth I took to be a turn on. However, your cockiness was in fact a portrayal of your grotesque sense of self worth that became apparent when you referred to yourself in the third person. This wasn’t just a typical Bob Dole-esque third person reference, but you prefaced your name with “the.” What do you mean “The Dave” is hungry?  Who is “The Dave?” You became angry when I didn’t know the answer, because apparently everybody refers to you as “The Dave” and it is only natural that you would call yourself such.You attempted to defend your vain childlike behavior by saying that you only call yourself that because that’s what others call you. I’m 99% sure that’s a lie, because I hung out with your friends and they never called you that. It’s clearly something that you want others to call you, which brings up a lot of issues far greater than the humiliation of dating someone who refers to himself in the third person. A Guest Dealbreaker written by Lisa

GUESTBREAKER: You Refer To Yourself In The Third Person

When I first met you I thought your cocky attitude was just an outward portrayal of your inner confidence, which in my foolish youth I took to be a turn on. However, your cockiness was in fact a portrayal of your grotesque sense of self worth that became apparent when you referred to yourself in the third person. This wasn’t just a typical Bob Dole-esque third person reference, but you prefaced your name with “the.” What do you mean “The Dave” is hungry?  Who is “The Dave?” You became angry when I didn’t know the answer, because apparently everybody refers to you as “The Dave” and it is only natural that you would call yourself such.

You attempted to defend your vain childlike behavior by saying that you only call yourself that because that’s what others call you. I’m 99% sure that’s a lie, because I hung out with your friends and they never called you that. It’s clearly something that you want others to call you, which brings up a lot of issues far greater than the humiliation of dating someone who refers to himself in the third person.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Lisa

GUESTBREAKER: You Share Custody of your Dog with your Ex-Girlfriend We had gone on a few dates and things were going quite well.  When I agreed to come over for dinner, knowing full well that we’d probably be naked by the time you were done cooking as nothing turns me on more than a guy who knows his way around the kitchen, I was super excited about finally meeting that dog you keep talking about.  But he didn’t greet me at the door.  Nor did he come running out of the bedroom when I whistled for him.  When I asked where he was, you nonchalantly explained that your ex girlfriend, with whom you bought the dog with all those years back, had “custody” of him that week. Hold up.  You guys split up six months ago.  I’m all for dudes remaining friendly with their exes, but you know this is a dog right? not a kid?  You know that nothing says “I can’t let go and I’m totally not over her and I’ll probably call you by her name on accident during sex and you’ll never live up to her memory” than you sharing custody of a dog with her, right?  There are a ton of needy dogs at the local animal shelter that don’t come with the baggage of the memory of a girl who dumped you, just waiting to have your full attention.  Until then, your penis will have no visitation rights with my vagina. A Guest Dealbreaker written by the lovely Georgia Hardstark.

GUESTBREAKER: You Share Custody of your Dog with your Ex-Girlfriend

We had gone on a few dates and things were going quite well.  When I agreed to come over for dinner, knowing full well that we’d probably be naked by the time you were done cooking as nothing turns me on more than a guy who knows his way around the kitchen, I was super excited about finally meeting that dog you keep talking about.  But he didn’t greet me at the door.  Nor did he come running out of the bedroom when I whistled for him.  When I asked where he was, you nonchalantly explained that your ex girlfriend, with whom you bought the dog with all those years back, had “custody” of him that week.

Hold up.  You guys split up six months ago.  I’m all for dudes remaining friendly with their exes, but you know this is a dog right? not a kid?  You know that nothing says “I can’t let go and I’m totally not over her and I’ll probably call you by her name on accident during sex and you’ll never live up to her memory” than you sharing custody of a dog with her, right?  There are a ton of needy dogs at the local animal shelter that don’t come with the baggage of the memory of a girl who dumped you, just waiting to have your full attention.  Until then, your penis will have no visitation rights with my vagina.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by the lovely Georgia Hardstark.

Your Daddy Issues No, I’m not going to leave you. I’m just going to the kitchen… to get a glass of water. See? You can see the kitchen from the couch. Just keep looking at me. Still here! I’m not going anywhere, I promise! Except maybe back to my apartment, eventually! What. What did I say? Well, of course I’m going home at some point, I live there and that’s where my clean clothes are. “Typical?” How is that typical? Oh, right, your dad worked late and was always away on business. I don’t see how that’s my problem, but it does explain why you made me wear this gray wig and cardigan. I probably should have questioned that earlier, but I’ve done weirder things to get laid before. Please feel free to take your need for older male attention elsewhere, like the YMCA or the duck pond. Or Craigslist.

Your Daddy Issues

No, I’m not going to leave you. I’m just going to the kitchen… to get a glass of water. See? You can see the kitchen from the couch. Just keep looking at me. Still here! I’m not going anywhere, I promise! Except maybe back to my apartment, eventually! What. What did I say? Well, of course I’m going home at some point, I live there and that’s where my clean clothes are. “Typical?” How is that typical? Oh, right, your dad worked late and was always away on business. I don’t see how that’s my problem, but it does explain why you made me wear this gray wig and cardigan. I probably should have questioned that earlier, but I’ve done weirder things to get laid before. Please feel free to take your need for older male attention elsewhere, like the YMCA or the duck pond. Or Craigslist.

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