GUESTBREAKER: You’re A Tyrannical Music Snob

When you told me you like “all kinds of music” I was excited. Then we actually started listening to music together. The only sort of rap you listen to is performed by white guys with overalls and huge beards. You responded to my collection of Black Flag albums with the phrase “Oh, they’re cool. I listened to them in like, seventh grade.” You brag about your hojillion-squillion gigabytes of music, and go on to mention that you enjoy your 8 gig iPod because it lets you reduce your library to only the music you like. You won’t admit to enjoying Late Of The Pier because you had never heard of them before you met me. You actually care what type of MP3 player I use. You hate Sublime, and you like Death From Above 1979 WAY too much. I would make you a break up mix, but you’d be so busy not appreciating the music that you’d miss the message. I’m just going to throw every Pearl Jam album ever made on repeat until you get frustrated with trying to explain how much they suck, and remove yourself, your Beatles-themed tattoo, and your Bob Dylan purse from my apartment forever.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by NIcholas.

DEALBREAKER:  You Have the Same Name as My Dad

Baby. Sweetheart. Honey. Darling.  Anything but the name my I grew up hearing hollered and followed by, “You let the cat outside!” or “Your cigar smoke is getting in through the screen door!” or “She learned this from watching you!”  Which, for the record, I did.

You Dumped Me

No, I don’t want to help you move, assemble an end table, or even go to a romantic bed and breakfast with you. We are not together, that’s why! You dumped me because you didn’t want to see or talk to me anymore, remember? Because it wasn’t “working for you anymore?” Well, this little see-saw you call an arrangement isn’t exactly working for me either, darling. I appreciate you throwing some emotional and poorly timed sex my way, though. While it’s happening, I am not even thinking about “us,” and it’s great. Although, I know that as soon as it ends, you’ll tell me that if I stay it’ll become “too real.” The phrase “confusing gray area” always sounds better when you’re naked. Look, this isn’t a revolving door. I’m the bouncer at this club from now on, and I say no re-entry. You’re either in or out, and “out” means I’m not feeding your fish anymore.

GUESTMAKER: You’re British

When you first walked into my ceramics class I thought it was nice to see a boy in my female majority school. I mean you weren’t unattractive, but I didn’t see anything until you opened your mouth and that charming little English accent came out. You say “Cheers!” and everything about you is so proper. Do you talk alot about yourself? yes. Would I find you attractive had you been American? Probably not. But as long as you keep saying I look “fit” l’ll let you see down my trousers.

A guest dealmaker written by Eleanor Barba.

GUESTBREAKER: You’re Married… With Kids

So we’ve gone on a couple of dates, had a lot of fun, really seem to get along. This is good. I know that you’re a bit older than me, that’s fine, I seem to related better with older men, they’re more mature and all that. Hey, you know what would be a fun next date?  We should stay in a cook a homemade dinner. See how considerate I am seeing as you mentioned that you had a small child and now that you’re divorced money’s a little tight. What’s that? Oh, you actually have two kids… hmmm… Well that’s interesting. At least they keep you occupied and take your mind off of the divorce, right? Ohhh, you aren’t actually divorced? You’re only separated? Uhh, that’s a little bit more complicated, so we should discuss this over that dinner. Oh, it can’t be at your house. Why? Your wife hasn’t exactly left yet. You know what I said about the maturity levels of older men? Yeah, fuck it.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Iris.

GUESTBREAKER: You (Unironically) Call Things Gay

Ok, its one thing that you find it unacceptable for me, as a male, to attend spinning classes, so what? I like pretending to ride bikes in a hot, sweaty room with techno blasting, but how did you describe it? Did you really just say “that’s sooo gay”? Really? Are you aware that that stopped being OK after you graduated from high school? Wow, its also “gay” that I’m really upset about it? You make me sick. You will never get to touch my svelte gay thighs nor feel my P in your V.

A guest dealbreaker written by DPS.

GUESTBREAKER: You Don’t Have A Condom

Alright, so you’ve got me back to your place and this is nice. I didn’t really expect to sleep with you but I feel it coming. We’re getting into it and you stop to get a condom. That’s cool- you’re safe. You turn around and tell me you don’t have any, not cool. You tear your room apart as I’m losing my desire to even have sex and you come back with no results, just a request. No, I’m not going to chance it and let you pull out because you’re “really good at it.” Either produce a condom or we don’t fuck, got it? What’s that? You want me to go get some? Well I don’t have any money… oh, $20 eh? You want the change back you say… Yeah, I’ll go get them. You sit right here… I’m going home, thanks for buying my late night pizza.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Chelly.

GUESTBREAKER: You’re A Philosophy Major

Oh God. Here we go. You’re discussing how we “know what we know and if we truly know it.” Again. You know what? I’ll play your game. Next time you want sex, I’ll tell you your penis doesn’t exist. When you rebut, I’ll go off on a tirade that causes you to have an existential crisis, and then you won’t care about boning anymore. Pick a real major, dude.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Amanda.

GUESTREBUTTAL: Your Slutty Halloween Costume Is Fine With Me…

Hey, don’t worry about that guy, he’s just pissed because you thought he was Carol from “Where the Wild Things Are” when he was actually dressed as Ira. I really dig the inherent irony in wearing a sexy cop uniform, like you’re trying to say that we live in an authoritarian police state when it comes to expressing your sexuality? Listen, I have some Hypnotiq in my trunk. Wanna get out of here?

A Guest Rebuttal to THIS dealbreaker, submitted for your approval by Mike Price.

Your Slutty Halloween Costume

Um, a white tube top and a white miniskirt? That’s your costume? That doesn’t make you a “sexy angel,” that just makes you sexy. Sunglasses and a bra doesn’t make you a “hot cop,” it just makes you a skank with weakened nighttime vision. And putting a sash over your underwear doesn’t make you a beauty queen, it makes you a target for a sex crime. Please drape my jacket over your shoulders so you can be “Sexy Decreased Chance of Being Assaulted.”