theidiotking:

I Made You A New/Old Mix - Sweet Teeth

Last night I found a playlist on iTunes that I didn’t recognize, and saw that it had 17 songs I really loved. I didn’t REALLY remember making it, but as I was playing it I realized that all the songs had one unifying factor: female vocalists. Please enjoy it, along with this triumphant picture of me yelling at airplanes on the beach with my wonderful friend Eleanore, who was wearing a very important wig (Photo by Dan Kwan).

1. Land of Talk - Sixteen Asterisk // 2. Sharon Van Etten - Love More // 3. Headlights - We’re all Animals // 4. Georgie James - More Lights // 5. The Mynabirds - Let the Record Go // 6. Amy Miles - King of Girls // 7. Liz Phair - Fuck and Run // 8. That Dog - Never Say Never // 9. Thao w/The Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster // 10. Lake - Sing 99 90 // 11. Lykke Li - Little Bit // 12. The Blow - Fists Up //  13. Mates Of State - True Love Will Find You in the End (Daniel Johnston cover) // 14. The Happy Hollows - Tell Me // 15. Giant Drag - Everything’s Worse // 16. your friend, kimi - Heart of Glass (Blondie cover) // 17. Charlotte Gainsbourg - Voyage

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Dave made this for you!

You can’t get hard

Things were great…we like all the same things…you speak Spanish…you’re a socialist… I’m half in love with you because of your political ideology, and you’re tall, which is a huge plus. So I work my charm, and finally get you to invite me over. We have a couple drinks, I begin to get a little drunk, and next thing you know, we’re making out. I’m sort of pulling all my best moves and when I ask you if I should get the condom, you say yes. Okay well thanks for wasting my condom, you chode. As you’re trying to squeeze your playdoh (LOL JK playdoh is stiffer) in, I realize that isn’t going to work because my vagina isn’t build to take in globs of skin. I ask if everything is okay, and you say it’s because you’ve been drinking, uh….okay… so you insist on keeping the foreplay going and I play along because I haven’t had sex in over 5 months. All of the sudden, your little soft self decides to slap my butt…several times…umm, okay…. Maybe I would forgive this if you could have actually gotten me off. All this messing around, and your little downstairs friend still doesn’t want to give me the time of day. I’m pissed and want to go to sleep, but for some reason, you still have hope in your broken penis. I wake up the next morning, and as I’m all dressed, you finally are ready. So I decide to give you another chance and waste my last condom. Things work out, and I get my mediocre fuck. As I lay down, I notice a guitar, and ask you what you like to play. You say, Guns ‘n Roses and Nirvana… yeah… I’m going to catch the next bus…

I’m offended that you still haven’t talked to me since, but then I remember that in my sexual frustration towards your malfunctioning dick that I called you a child molester for fucking a girl that is 10 years younger than you. Oops.

-Written by twogirlsonecup

theidiotking:

Help find Clancy!

Friends/acquiantances/followers/strangers in LA (specifically the Los Feliz/Silverlake area), my friend’s dog got out late last night and went missing. He answers to Clancy and he’s a beagle mix. He’s not wearing his collar. If you see or hear anything, please contact me at DEHorwitz@gmail.com, and also reblog and spread the word so we can find Clancy. Thanks so much!

You Wet The Bed

Ok, you’re seemingly a lot drunker than I am and you stink of cigarettes but yeah sure, I’ll make out with you for a while. Cool, you’re kissing my neck and nibbling my ear, oh wait YOU TONGUE IS IN MY EAR CANAL. MAKE IT STOP. Oh that’s handy, you passed out on the bed, crisis averted.

A few hours later I wake up next to you and my sheets are wet, that’s weird. My glass of water is empty so maybe one of us spilt it, I’ll allow it…wait a minute…the water is from around your crotch. That’s not water, that’s your urine. When I shake you awake to politely let you know that you wet my bed, no, soaked my bed. You shrug and say ‘it happens’. ‘It happens’ was acceptable 20 years ago but I am disgusted and have to sleep on this mattress every night. Wetting the bed is one thing but being so nonchalant about it is is quite another. I’m sorry but get out of bed and out of my life. No, I don’t even want to be friends with a bed wetter.

-Written by electracomplex

You’re Not Michelle Obama

These last three weeks have been fun. Really, they have! That little sushi place tucked away downtown nobody knows about? Great. Terrific soup menu. And even the Ikea date (wonder where you got that idea) was cute, in a twee-lookit-my-fixed-gear-and-nose-ring kind of way. But I think we should see other people. It’s not you. It’s not me, either. It’s Michelle.

I mean, have you seen the first lady? Those legs! Those arms! That very reasonable childhood obesity policy! What’s not to love? I mean, sure she’s taken now, but just because there’s a goalie who’s the leader of the free world doesn’t mean you can’t score, right? Right?

Ah, fuck it. Want to get sushi again?

-Written by BombsForBreakfast

theidiotking:

GPOYW: The Inevitable Has Happened Edition.

Follow me?

Throw Dave a follow if you’re feeling generous. He’d do the same for/to you!

FRIENDBREAKER: Your Bird Nest Hair

Oh, wow. New friend! Yes, I thought you would make quite the amazing addition to my slew of friends. You’re funny and sarcastic, almost to a breaking point. I can never really seem to catch a breath around you because of your unfailing humor. You’re also the greatest shopping buddy anyone can have (major points for telling me that shirt DID look good on me to make me feel better, even though it was a particularly nasty shade of green). What’s that? Oh, ew. Somehow a feather got into your hair, let me just take that out for you. Say what? It’s clipped in? Why would a bird’s feather be clipped into -

Oh, it’s a trend? A really fashionable trend? All those cool celebrities are having it done in their hair? All the salons are stocking “feather extensions” in their stores? It looks like you got your secret roll-in-bird-feathers fetish on and forgot to take out the feathers so you wouldn’t get caught. Come again? I don’t understand fashion? I’m no longer cool? Excuse me for not understanding sticking feathers in your hair. I’ll try to pray that you don’t get some weird bird disease. In the meantime, I’ll take my uncool hair and look like a bird didn’t just attack it.

-Written By Taylor

You Wear Shoes Without Socks

You’re cute, in a disheveled way, an a bit weird.  That’s what I like, so I’ve pined for you from several rows away since the semester started.  

Today, you decided to take off your shoes — you weren’t wearing socks, even though it’s cold, but maybe your feet get hot?  I don’t know, but bare feet in class seems a bit unsanitary.  Then you put your feet on the back of the chair in front of you.  Your fungus-infested feet.  You put them where people put their heads.

I’ll have to find someone else to crush on.

-Written by lastraniera